This story is from the comments by /u/GodWillShowYouTheWay that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user's story is highly specific, emotionally raw, and internally consistent over time. It details a complex, painful, and long-term experience with transition and detransition, including specific medical procedures (vaginoplasty), personal trauma (SA), and ongoing struggles with identity, family, and relationships. The narrative is nuanced and expresses deep regret and conflict, which aligns with the known experiences of many detransitioners. The language is natural and lacks the repetitive or scripted patterns of a bot.
About me
I started my transition as a young child and had surgery to become female by the time I was twenty. Now, I deeply regret it and feel like I mutilated my own body. I want to detransition back to male, but my family refuses to see me that way and I'm terrified of more surgeries. I feel completely lost and stuck in a body that doesn't feel like my own. My entire journey has left me wondering who I really am.
My detransition story
My whole journey with this has been a mess, and I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore. It all started when I was just a kid. I came out as trans when I was eight years old, and looking back, it’s scary that anyone took me seriously at that age. By the time I was ten, after a two-year wait, I was approved for puberty blockers. I started estrogen around sixteen, and then, when I was twenty, I had the surgery to get a vagina.
For a long time, I thought this was what I wanted. But now, I deeply regret the surgery. I feel like I willingly mutilated my own body. The worst part is that I did this to myself. I think about how I’ll never have a penis again, and it’s a constant source of pain. I’ll never know what it’s like to have sex as a man, to feel the sensation of penetrating a partner. The only sexual experience I’ve had was being sexually assaulted, and I can’t help but think that never would have happened if I hadn’t transitioned. I blame myself for it.
Now I’m stuck in this impossible situation. Part of me thinks I should just accept what I’ve done and try to live as a woman, since that’s what my body is now. My current therapist even suggested I try living as a woman for a while, since I’ve gone so far physically and socially, and then see how I feel about detransitioning later. But the thought of living as a woman feels completely wrong; it’s not me.
Another part of me wants to detransition back to male, but I know it will never be the same. My own family refuses to see me as male anymore. They only refer to me as ‘she’ and by my chosen female name. They tell me, “You chose this, live with the consequences,” and, “Nothing about you resembles a male anymore.” It feels like they’re punishing me, and the male me no longer exists to them. It makes me wonder if it’s even worth the pain of socially transitioning again, especially when I wouldn’t be taken seriously.
I’ve even considered a compromise: keeping my female body but trying to live socially as a man, or maybe as non-binary, just to find some middle ground. But it all feels like a lie.
I’m in a relationship with a man now, and it’s complicated. He wants to have penetrative vaginal sex, but I hate it. It makes me feel like a woman, which fucks with my head. I haven’t outright refused because I’d feel selfish taking that pleasure away from him, since he can’t cum from anal. It makes me wonder if we’re just not sexually compatible, which is hard because we’re good together in every other way.
I think about surgery to try and get some semblance of a penis back, but I’m terrified of the risks and complications. Right now, everything functions fine with no problems, and I’m scared of making things worse for something that might not even look right in the end. I also want to have my breasts removed, that’s 100% going to happen, but getting testosterone in the UK is a nightmare with years-long waiting lists. So much of this feels out of my control. At this stage, sometimes it just feels easier to go along with what I’ve done than to fight an uphill battle to detransition.
Here is a timeline of the main events:
My Age | Event |
---|---|
8 | Came out as trans. |
10 | Started puberty blockers after a 2-year wait. |
16 | Started taking estrogen. |
20 | Had vaginoplasty surgery. |
Now | Considering top surgery (breast removal) and trying to access testosterone to detransition. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/GodWillShowYouTheWay:
I understand that socially i can get to a good place eventually and i really appreciate what youre trying to say, but i will never be physically happy with my body ever again, will i? I want surgeries to revert what i can do the breasts are 100% going but im also considering getting the surgery ftms get for a penis, but would that even be worth the risk and complications? Is it even possible to go backwards like that or should i just leave whats down there now alone so i dont mess it up further? I know it sounds stupid but ever since i was SA'd ive been non stop thinking stuff like "this never would have happened if i didnt transition, i did this to myself its all my fault and deserved it". What the hell was i thinking? Who voluntarily gets their genitals mutilated. Im so dumb.
I think im going to agree with you that im mentally not capable of making a big choice (in this case detransition) however It is becoming increasingly difficult to actually be myself at all as im surrounded by people in my life refusing to see me as male. My immediate family, parents siblings ect are even refusing to go back to using he him pronouns or my birthname with me, only refering to me as she her and the name i chose to transition with, in their eyes i AM a woman now and they refuse to see reason. and said stuff along the lines of "you chose this, live with the consequences of your actions" "look what youve done to yourself, you are not a man" "nothing about you resembles a male anymore not your face or voice not even your body, you are a woman, literally nobody sees you as a man in the family, you did this." They are punishing me for my own choices and male me no longer even exists to them, this is part of when i said i was considering just continuing to pretend to be a woman, just so i wouldnt have to go through all the ppain of transition a second time and not have to deal with more family bs.
I know genitals isnt the be all end all, but my only experience with sex is getting SA'd in a hole i shouldnt even have, i wont ever get to know what sex is like having a penis or the sensation of being the one penetrating, so for a future partner how would that play into this? Because i feel like that would just be like lesbian sex not straight sex no matter how masculine i act if i have to use toys on my hypothetical partner
There are 2 parts of me currently fighting, the first is telling me to simply just accept what ive done and live with it yet it will never be me, the second is telling me to transition back to being a man yet it will never be me either so is it even worth it? Which opens up a third part as a compromise, physically stay as female and socially transition back to male or even just an inbetween and be non binary
I will second this as a post op MtFtM, i have a vagina which i absolutely regret getting, but at the same time im extremely concerned about any complications arising from getting another surgery down there and as it stands right now, i have zero complications and everything functions as it should, i will not risk complications for aesthetics that may or may not actually end up making it look like shit
I would like to start testosterone, however due to being in the uk, it is a waiting list system that can take years. when i was a kid i came out at 8, yes 8 i was taken seriously about this that young, which is pretty scary thinking about it. it was about a 2 year wait to get an appointment to determine if i could start puberty blockers at about 10 and then started e at around 16, so it is ultimately out of my control at the moment in regards to reversing what i can, and i will never have a penis again due to having my vaginoplasty at 20. It will never be the same as if i just let myself grow up, so I just feel like at this stage I'd prefer to just... go along with it. It seems easier to do that than to go through the entire process of coming out all over again as detrans this time. I probably wouldn't even be taken seriously if i did.
Its definitely something id look into, but thats the worst part isnt it? It will never be like the real thing, ill never feel that sensation ever again, ill also never experience PIV sex as the person with the penis, ive completely screwed myself over, i dont even know why im trying to look for ways to do this when i absolutely hate even peeing with it, a constant reminder that i cant even stand up to do my business anymore.
The difference between those men and i, is that i did this to myself willingly and even thought i wanted it until i didnt and it was already too late. I did this, thats what hurts the most, as for therapy, my current therapist is trying to tell me that because of how far ive gone already, i should simply consider just trying to live my life as a woman for a while as i now have the physical and social life of a woman and then if i still feel like a man after that to then pursue detransition rather than just rushing into said detransition.
I did not outright refuse, just told him my preferences, i guess this post was more about me asking how i can get him to actually respect said preferences, but at the same time i haven't refused because id feel selfish for taking his pleasure away, he can cum from piv but not anal so honestly we might just not be sexually compatible which sucks because were definitely compatible in other ways
I dont see what he did as rape because i didnt outright say no just told him i preferred if he wouldnt do that, the reason i dont like it is because it makes me feel like a woman when im not and it kinda fucks with my mental, theres definitely other things we do together, just a normal gay couple in day to day life but then suddenly in the bedroom he wants me to be a girl for him because i dont have a dick anymore basically. As for you being detrans female commenting i dont mind, anybody is free to put their thoughts here