Yes!! Feminine gay men are lovely, wonderful people. You are needed in the world, just the way you are. Never let anyone make you feel bad or wrong just for existing, you are perfect and worthy.

It's hard to explain to people that homophobia is still so rampant, particularly for feminine gay men and masculine lesbians. Even among "progressive" people, you'll hear stuff like "I understand if she's a lesbian but why does she have to be so manly?"
I'm sure it's the same for gay men and boys. We still have some very important lessons to learn as a society, when it comes to self-expression.

You sound a lot like me.

Personally I feel a lot better since I left the labels behind and just started living as a female. It makes no sense to label yourself non-binary for not feeling like a female, when the vast majority of females don't "feel" like females. It's just their physical reality, they don't put any deeper meaning on it.

Sometimes people are surprised at how gender non-conforming I am, but not enough to cause me problems. And it feels good to expand people's perception of womanhood.

The less I talk aboit my identity irl, the better I feel. I don't tell, I show.

I'm still technically non-binary (although most people technically are) but I really only need to mention that in rare contexts where I'm speaking to a trans person online who is demanding to know about my identity in a certain context. But that happens less and less, the more space I put between myself and the trans community.

I feel like the trans community has devolved into a jibbering blob of slogans and neologisms at this point. When I was a little younger, there was still room to discuss oppression against AFAB people, question pediatric transition etc, without you being burned as a witch. But now everyone's so hypervigilant about transphobia, you essentially have to kiss the ring or be declared a public enemy. It's hard to even talk to my trans friends because I'll mention some band or movie and I'll get "well actually that band is tRaNsPhObIc" and then I have to spend the rest of the day stressing out about having committed wrongthink. It's just not worth it anymore.

It's pretty common for autogynephiles to claim to be asexual just fyi

Like if your primary attraction is to your own feminized body, naturally that might not give you much interest in other people. Especially if estradiol and/or genital surgery are inhibiting your sexual functions.

You're not an ugly beast. You're a vibrant beautiful young person who's had a very rough path through life.

But that being said, the most toxic part of the trans community is their emphasis on the outside. Healthy people say "it's what inside that really matters." Trans rhetoric says "not only does the outside matter, if it doesn't perfectly match the inside you'll never be happy."

The outside really doesn't matter. I personally have felt much better since I learned to value myself for who I am, instead of how I look. Only fools care how other people look.

I would focus on getting your hormones stabilized first, if you want to go back to living as a man. Get off estrogen, get on testosterone, get your hormone levels back in the normal male range.

As for surgeries, you can try a binder if you want to start living as man before top surgery.
It might actually be a good idea to wait on the surgery decisions, particularly bottom surgery. You want to consider your options carefully, and waiting untill your hormone levels are stable might be a good move. That will also give you some time to live as a guy and figure out if you're comfortable living as a guy with a neovagina, or if you really need the phalloplasty.
You've already been through a lot of surgery, so you don't want to rush into more surgery, for sure.

In any case that's just my 2 cents. Best of luck with your choices, I feel like we're seeing more and more male detransitioners here. I hope this sub can give you the same support and comradery I've received.

I just wanted to add that just because you don't remember being treated badly for being female, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Children don't remember everything that happens to them, especially if something happens before age 2.

Or like another poster said, maybe you just identified with males more in TV, movies etc.

Ultimately it doesn't matter so much where the feelings came from, because there's no test you can take that says "you are a Real Trans and you should transition." There's no real way of knowing if you would regret transition. Even severe childhood dysphoria can fade, or be coped with in other ways, in some cases. And sometimes even people with light dysphoria transition and are happy that way. It's up to you to decide what's best.

I kind of understand why they've been historically lumped together. I mean in the past, if you had gender dysphoria, your only option was basically to be a butch lesbian or a fem gay guy. Or if you were straight, just try to conform as much as possible.

But now it's the opposite, where butch lesbians and fem gay guys are constantly being hounded with "you're trans right? What are your pronouns? Are you sure you're not trans? Just transition already."

And it's become so political and all-encompassing. The trans community clearly doesn't even need the LGB community anymore, they have enough power on their own. We really just need a space where we can focus on our own lives and issues without everything circling back to trans issues every single time.

But yeah, the intersex thing is especially confusing. There are plenty of intersex people who identify as straight and non-trans and have nothing in common with the LGBT community particularly at all, so it's especially baffling why the alphabet soup thing is so strictly enforced.

I actually really agree. The less time we spend trying to look like something and the more time we spend actually being something, the better.

Nature is ancient and awesome and full of untold mysteries. Our petty squabbles with gender roles seem smaller and less urgent in comparison. Even insignificant and imaginary. At least that's how I feel, anyway. "I've worked myself into a tizzy over something barely relevant that hardly even exists in the grand scale of things."

Personally as a desister, I hate the pronouns question and will do almost anything to avoid it. It legitimately makes me extremely dysphoric to suggest I even have the option of choosing pronouns.

Everyone calls me "she" because I put (some) effort into passing as female, for the sake of saving people awkwardness and confusion. But I'd rather be called "he" or "they" or anything else than be asked to interrogate my deepest subtlest innermost feelings to find out if I have any preference of what gender role I'd ideally like to live in.

I guess it's a bit like asking "what color do you identify as" sorry I don't really understand color identities? I'm just female.

I'm excited for you. I, too, never "felt like a woman." But you don't need to feel like a woman in order to be one.

I think it's a great idea to take small steps. You absolutely don't have to do makeup or dresses, I never wear those either. You don't even have to shop in the women's department at all if you don't want to.

Masculine women are real and they are so awesome and important.