The irony I always realized is that no one who is the sex they are really completely wants to be that gender. The irony of me being born female instead of male is that I wouldn't probably appreciate the things that I would if I could switch right now. Ditto for transmen. As a guy who is/was a victim of sexual abuse (from my sis when I was 3 and lasting 4 years), I don't think women may appreciate how damaging it is to live your entire life being told you are a sexual creep waiting to happen. That your desires are female rape. Especially while your abuser gets treated like the princess of the house and you take care of her. I could never do what was done to me to someone else, but that doesn't matter because I've a penis. In fact being nice was both the fix, and why a lot of women when I was young told me I was undatable. "Too nice" was a statement I heard or "like dating a girl". When I was given any feedback at all instead of ghosted because you just "can't change" men. Too aggressive is easy to do too. Basically in my darker moments i think I'm trying to become the ideal of what I'm told the other life lives, but no one does. I'm still that terrified little boy of the word rape being falsely applied. The doubt it would bring about the person I wanted to be. Life is too messy for pretty pictures. It's easy to enjoy the art, when you aren't the artist.

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(I edited to add falsely accused, which has happened though I've only ever been sexual with men)

First of all thank you for your kind response and reading this essay of a post. I've typed stuff out and paused before so if nothing else sharing felt like a load off. I'd be lying if I said I was certain of the response I would get, so again doubly appreciated.

I do spend a fair amount of time in GC as well. It is a valuable perspective, though it helps me to realize it is coming through the lens of people that have had VERY bad experiences with men, easily worse then mine. Sometimes that makes my fears worse actually.

While I do understand that not everyone sees me as dangerous, it is difficult to be treated with that suspicion still. I think that mix is part of what I was subconsciously trying to avoid about being a man. Gently touching a shoulder of a lady at work to tell her I was at her side and being yelled that I was assaulting her and had no right. I was shook, though luckily a coworker stepped in. Though I shouldn't need a coworker to tell people that I'm not assaulting them I also can't imagine what was in that poor lady's history that she reacted like that.

Which I feel ties into my last point. I don't think I'm changing my sex. Just my appearance and the way I'm received/treated. I'm still me and always will be. Wherein I agree with you about futility. Long term surgery was always my goal, but I think just letting go of mental boundaries has been quite helpful. No need to put myself into a new box. Not sure if my feelings will agree with me if I detrans or what will be. I don't know what my hangup is honestly...

Again, thank you for your words.

I've been in talk therapy for awhile, I'm either autogynephilic when I was young, or the next best thing to womanhood. It seems to me not enough is really understood about this issue. Therefore they either listen to what I'm saying and try to back me up/pander (using pronouns, trying to direct others to do so inc. parents). Or they disagree and my own brain is my problem (ignore me, sexual pervert). I wish my reality fit so cutely into either of those boxes. That said I understand more about myself because of my journey and am still hopeful I will find a good fit, so thank you. Found someone who specializes in lgbt who I'll be seeing next week. Hoping there will be a bit more of a balanced approach. There is always hope to be had. Another thing to do thankfully.

Writing this made me realize I don't have great taste in relationships, so touche. It is helpful to see and read it as my experience outside of myself. That I don't deserve that. I only just left the him a few months ago, so things are still a little bit raw for me personally if I'm honest. Sorry for that.

I suppose I was hoping others might have more of a nuanced understanding that might help me over that hump that has prevented me from really feeling comfortable committing either way, since talk therapy hasn't really done it. Maybe I'd be able to bring that to session to help me. Nevertheless thank you again for your input. Having this dialogue is important to me and therefore I appreciate you taking the time.

" to escape the feelings of being devalued after sleeping with men. "

So true, cause bottoms or twinks don't ever feel like a piece of meat and always understand their true intrinsic value as a "cock sleeve". Not least because society typically doesn't understand and/or rejects gay men, especially the receiving one. A hole is a hole is a hole, but what excuse does the bottom have? Which is also assuming that both partners don't reciprocate and that all gay partnerships have a top/bottom which =/=.

I might be a detransing TiM, using the lingo of this post, but that at least still makes me a gay man. Never have I ever had a man I slept with care one ounce about the pleasure I was experiencing. Spit and passion anyone? Ya, those words aren't fun. I took pleasure from making them happy and they took pleasure from using my body. It's really not that different from any old relationship. Then I would clean up behind when he was gone. Sometimes I would cry. I'm not sure where in that equation the valuing of my person happened...?

I've also seen relationships where both reciprocated and their did seem to be a value for both partners, but this seems no less like any relationship. There are those who only take, those who give, and those that have learned to give and take. Which is more about people and less about their sexuality.

So many stereotypes you have here, so little time.

Genes can actually actively react to their environment. Factors such as stress, levels of oxygen, hormones, etc changes which receptors are on or off. Processing the human genome is great, but humankind is a long way from being able to understand how complex we are as the body, brain and genetics all play together at the same time. The system of genetics is so complex that an allele is comprised of several genes. Behavioral genetics estimates that many allele, depending on the trait, can be involved. This is one of the reasons brain IQ is hard to pin down as an individual cause, something on the order of several hundred or more alleles interacting together, interacting with the body, and the mind. Then throw in the environment too... Humans are such an interesting system. That is to say we are a long way from being able to understand subjective things in the mind like fear and abuse of authority through the lens of genetics.

TL;DR I liked genetics books when I was a kid. Only reiterating what they said, not my career.