This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no clear red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic detransitioner/desister.
The user's posts display a consistent, highly personal, and emotionally raw narrative focused on their specific experiences with MTF transition and detransition considerations. The writing is complex, nuanced, and contains self-contradictory thoughts that are characteristic of genuine human struggle, not scripted bot behavior. The account expresses deep regret and critiques gender ideology from an internal perspective, which aligns with the passionate and often angry tone common in the community.
About me
I'm a heterosexual male who started taking estrogen in my early twenties because I was terrified of aging as a man and found the straight dating world to be toxic. I thought becoming a woman would let me escape those pressures and find the soft, loving relationship I craved with another trans woman. Now, after three years, my body has changed in painful ways and I've lost my reproductive function, which I deeply regret. I feel completely stuck because even though I miss my health, the social benefits of living as a woman are immense and going back to being a feminine man seems impossible. I'm even considering irreversible surgery, not because I believe in it, but because I feel it's my only chance to find love and community.
My detransition story
Looking back, my whole journey feels like a series of escapes that led me to a place I never intended to be. I’m a heterosexual male, but I’ve been living as a woman for years now. I don’t believe I was born in the wrong body, and I don’t really believe in gender ideology anymore, but here I am, still taking hormones.
It all started with a deep discomfort with the expectations placed on men. I hated the idea of aging like a typical man, what some people call "twinkdeath." I was terrified of losing my youthful looks and becoming someone I didn't want to be. Anime probably played a part in this; the male characters never seem to age and have a beauty that's impossible in real life. Estrogen felt like a deal with the devil to stop male aging, and I took it.
A huge part of this was also the dating scene. I’ve always been attracted to women, but the heterosexual dating world felt broken, toxic, and completely unwelcoming. It seemed impossible to find a woman who shared my interests and who I could have a warm, soft, loving relationship with. I felt like society had killed off positive heterosexuality. So, I escaped into a fantasy. I thought that if I became a woman myself, I could date other trans women—"transbians"—and we could have the kind of relationship I craved. It was a way to be in a gay relationship, with all the perceived perks, while still being attracted to femininity. I even had a girlfriend who was another trans woman. She was beautiful and talented, but the relationship was deeply flawed and she was even more mentally ill than I was.
Now, after three years on hormones, my body has changed in ways I have mixed feelings about. Physically, some things are "better" in a superficial way. I can have multiple orgasms now, which I couldn't do before without pain. But that comes with a cost. My genitalia are sore and experiencing atrophy, which is painful, especially after sex. The most soul-crushing part is the loss of my reproductive function. It feels like I traded a chunk of my health for vanity.
I’m stuck now. Even though I have regrets about the health consequences and feel like I was influenced by a broken world, the thought of detransitioning is terrifying. If I go back to living as a man, I lose the social benefits I have now. As a man who even slightly passes as a woman, life is easier. People notice you, are nicer to you, flirt with you. The price of going back to being an average man, especially a gender-nonconforming one, feels incredibly high. Society is much harder on men who step outside the box. Women can be masculine, but men can't be feminine without facing ridicule or worse.
I’m even considering getting bottom surgery, the expensive kind in Thailand. I know it’s something I’ll probably regret, but I feel like it’s a sacrifice I have to make for a chance at love. The idea is that by becoming fully "female," I could find a partner in the community of post-op trans women, someone who understands this specific struggle. It's a tragic loop: I feel I have to permanently alter my body to find a love that feels impossible to find as my natural self.
My thoughts on gender are that it’s mostly a set of oppressive rules. I transitioned not because of an innate identity, but because it felt like the only way to escape the pressures of being a man and the failure of heterosexual dating. I regret the physical damage I’ve done to my body, and I feel like I was influenced by online communities and a desperate search for connection. But I don’t see a way out yet. The fear of aging as a man and losing the social safety of being perceived as female is too strong.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early 20s | Began experiencing severe dread about male aging ("twinkdeath"). Felt heterosexual dating scene was impossible. |
| 22 | Started taking estrogen (HRT) to stop male aging and escape male social role. |
| 25 | Had a relationship with another trans woman, which ended due to mutual mental health issues. |
| 25 (Present) | 3 years on HRT. Experiencing genital atrophy and pain, loss of reproductive function. Considering bottom surgery as a last resort for finding partnership. |
Top Comments by /u/I_want_to_cry_4875:
Oh my god yes! That's yet another thing they lied about.
I could do 2 in a row before HRT, but something inside would hurt severely for several hours whenever I did that. But that only started at a certain age, maybe I passed some sort of male puberty milestone where something matures inside that blocks having multiple orgasms.
Right now, 3 years on HRT, I can do 3 in a row, and nothing inside will hurt afterwards - but my genitalia will be severely sore, because I am experiencing atrophy that hurts, sometimes a lot. And if I've been using that thing in penetrative sex to accomplish those 3 in a row - it's straight up a one big ouch.
It sometimes feels severely soulcrushing to lose my reproductive function and ability. It's like I traded in a chunk of my health for vanity.
It's the political radicalization and the sources of these warnings. It doesn't help if a person who is warning you about the dangers of transition also thinks vaccines have 5g chips in them, you know? This stuff really needs to come from actually trustworthy sources.
For me, as an MTF, anime contributed a lot to the feeling of dread from testosterone aging.
Women in anime might be setting unrealistic beauty standards, but they do at least look like women.
Guys in most anime on the other hand look nothing like guys in the real world. It's an even more impossible beauty standard wherein you need to have the good effects of T while having absolutely 0 bad effects and your face not aging a day after 15.
I understand how it can do the opposite though, knowing the real parts of human women that don't make it into anime, that might cause someone to want to do the opposite transition.
Many people I've known frame their transition as becoming an "anime girl" or "anime boy". This is clearly not uncommon.
Twinkdeath is the worst fear, yes. But all these drugs have health consequences, and the full MTF HRT makes you look more and more like a woman over the years, which puts you in a position of getting the downsides of looking like a woman too. They might not be downsides in our own eyes, but they will be downsides in the eyes of straight women.
I come from a relatively conservative country. Lots of GNC people transition to be able to be GNC without experiencing violence. Society policing gender expression just makes the desire to change biological parts so they fit with the look into a cohesive picture stronger.
A lot of countries in the world allowed some form of sex change at some point, ever since that was invented. Even the ones where skciety polices gender.
Have you even heard of Iran???
I relate to the mirror of this a lot.
id enjoy this so much more if i was an XY
If it makes you feel better, if you were XY and also born heterosexual, you might have the same thought pattern of wanting to be a woman. We want what we aren't, that's heterosexuality for ya.
In my opinion, another factor at play, on top of everything that has been said already, is the achievements of feminism.
For FTMTF women, there is something to detransition to. There is a place where they can express gender non-conformity. It is very narrow and may require the construction of a particular friendly bubble, but it is there. It's been there in some more developed countries for 40 years now!
For MTFTM men, you either become a genuinely gender conforming man, or you increase the chance of getting murdered and will never get a job. The people most likely to murder you (conservative men) are also the easiest to fool by pretty basic passing. Being MTF is a barrier of safety, especially if stealth.
Women can have a flat chest, men cannot have breasts.
Women can wear pants, men cannot wear skirts.
Women can be strong, men cannot be weak.
Women can choose to not wear makeup, men cannot wear it at all.
Women can do men's things, men cannot do women's things.
If you pass as female even mediocrely (and I mean genuine passing, in gender neutral clothing and with no makeup) to just 80% of people - you life gets so much better compared to being a typical average male. So freeing. You get noticed socially, you get picked, you get flirted with, you get all sorts of nice things you never got before. The price of detransitioning, even if it's the healthier and more ideologically congruent choice when you no longer believe the trans cult's message, is so high that even here you see the flair "socially trans - regrets entire transition" among males more than among females, at least from my noticing.
Also, twinkdeath. Cute aesthetics, even ones compliant within male standards, do not last and you age out. Estrogen is the deal with the devil to stop male aging. Not all of us are willing to break this contract even if we're able to bear being socially male and really regret the health consequences of it. I know I can't. Not yet anyway.
If the sexes were reversed, and it was males that looked the same between 20 and 40 and females that suddenly looked 45 starting at the age of 27 - it would be FTMTFs who stay on T, and MTFTMs who drop the E. Aging is terrifying.
I feel like humanity has killed off positive, soft, romantic heterosexuality. Seriously. The media is shit, dating apps are shit, the behaviour of both your own sex at large and the opposite sex at large makes it a daunting and seemingly impossible task to have those kinds of experiences. So we escape into phantasy, and who else but the people into the same phantasy as us are the ones perfect enough to have a severely flawed, but warm, soft, cozy love with. Isn't that why we often date T4T?
It's an absolute tragedy that we ("transbians" and "transgays") can't just both stay unmodified and date each other. Be the kind of person for each other that we know the other one needs, because we both read the same yaoi. Be healthy and not hurt our bodies...
I feel like in order to find anything close to a true love, I have to have serious lifechanging surgery, and date others who have done so too. Why??? What the fuck is so wrong with the world it's turned me into this???
For us, we're more likely to not have an interest in being gnc before transition because it looks ugly on a male body.
Just saying this matter-of-factly, "It looks ugly." - it just shows how much the perspective of the world when you grow up male makes you convinced your personal opinion is the truth, because the entire patriarchal world is oriented around the male opinion.
However, since transition can change the body, it makes being gnc attractive.
Attractive for other straight males, not for women. That's the thing. It's not a fact, it's an opinion and a perspective.
Without transition, there would be no point in being gnc
For straight males!
The "become the girlfriend" bit is so accurate. The heterosexual dating scene is deeply broken, toxic, and generally unwelcoming and intimidating.
And also, the progressive society has taught me that women absolutely loathed doing the conforming things that I considered attractive (which is fair, but in reality not all loathe it, clearly), and also somehow loathed doing non-conforming things that would lead to us meeting each other in the first place (like being in male-majority fandoms and interests and professions - in reality it's the sexism, duh). So what is there for a hetero guy to do, but attempt to psyop oneself into bisexuality, and when that doesn't work - transition to become a "transbian"? At least you'll get a girlfriend.
And get a girlfriend I did... except she was even more mentally ill than me and it never truly worked. But it's so easy to fall in love with a pretty feminine face and body and her beautiful well-trained voice that she sang with (she was into making music).
I am attracted to women. Not 80%+ of perisex late-transitioning MTFs, no - into people that are at least as beautiful as me (she was at my level, that's why I fell for her). And who have vaginas.
The fact that I'm attracted to humans with genitalia that's different from mine drives me completely insane! It's not fair! I didn't choose this! I wish I could choose otherwise!
And now I am on the verge of doing something I know I will regret, just for a slight chance of attaining true love. I am on the verge of attempting to get SRS. The good kind, the $22k in Thailand kind. The one that has its own Discord server of people who bought these. What if one of those people on that server is The One, and they bought one specifically so they would be attractive for a hetero male like themselves?
It takes sacrifice to love and be loved. And the easiest sacrifice, of all the ones I see, is a bodypart and money. I don't believe in gender ideology, I don't think I was born the wrong sex (well, besides a couple of defects that made my body awesome MTF material) and I am well aware I am a heterosexual male. However the odds of finding a biological woman that is naturally into similar stuff as me, feels like my equal on certain key skills and life-related things, and is genuinely into me? Astronomically slim, regardless if I'm an attractive MTF like right now or an average male. But a post-op MTF has other post-op MTFs, to pretend to be lesbians with! And that's the raw truth right there. The true way out of heterosexuality. The way towards the perks of being in a gay relationship, with almost none of the downsides, and truly feeling attraction to your partner while heterosexual. Satisfied and partnered heterosexuals without involving any women. That's the whole original premise of transbianism, isn't it? The fetishization of lesbians is nothing more than a little bonus, I personally don't care for it, but some people are into that - I wouldn't be against dating a person like that if they looked and felt female enough.
What has this world turned me into? Why do I think this way? Why do I want this? ;_;