My whole journey with gender started with a deep discomfort and hatred for being male. I thought everything about it was gross and ugly. I couldn't stand the idea of body hair, a beard, or just looking like a man. I felt like I was trapped in something I didn't want to be.

This feeling got so bad that I started to believe I was meant to be a woman. I pursued medical transition and even got a consultation for an orchiectomy. I had a date scheduled for the surgery. I was that far down the path. Looking back, a lot of this was driven by a really poor self-image and what I now see as body dysmorphia. I didn't hate being a man because I was a woman; I hated myself and my body for reasons that had nothing to do with gender.

I was incredibly lucky. At the last minute, I couldn't get the required letter of support from a therapist for the surgery. That delay forced me to stop and really think. I started to work on just accepting myself as I am, as a man. I began to practice being patient and kind to myself instead of fighting against my body.

It was a slow process, but as I learned to love being male, all of that dysphoria just faded away. I’ve only been detransitioned for a month now, but every week as my natural masculinity comes back—the hair, the deeper voice, all of it—I feel a sense of happiness and rightness I never had before. I cried for hours one day, not out of sadness, but out of sheer relief that I came so close to permanently altering my perfectly healthy body. I had a moment of pure terror thinking about what I almost lost.

My thoughts on gender now are that it’s okay to be a feminine man or a masculine woman. Enjoying things that are traditionally for the other sex doesn't mean you are the other sex. You can remove body hair if you want. You can wear whatever clothing you like. None of that changes your sex. I believe transitioning should be an absolute last resort after all other mental health issues, like body image problems and low self-esteem, have been thoroughly explored.

I don't have any regrets about exploring my gender because it led me to where I am now, but I am profoundly grateful that I avoided surgery. I absolutely regret how close I came to making a permanent, life-altering mistake based on a temporary feeling of self-hatred. I now see the male body as something strong and sexy, not ugly. I'm bisexual, and I can appreciate beauty in both masculine men and feminine women, and everything in between. Being a man isn't a prison; it's just a fact of my body, and I've finally made peace with it.