To be honest, I feel exactly the same way.

If you cannot truly change your gender, is it even worth the trouble?

I would love to be able to just live as I was born and be perfectly happy with it, but I also do not want to end up living my entire life with dysphoria knowing that I gave up a chance to relieve that pain early on in my life.

Life is rough and uncertainty does not help.

I wish that I could offer you advice, but I suppose that I am in the same boat as you. All I can do is let you know that you are not alone in your ordeal.

I really wish that surgeries were not pushed so hard.

Surgeries should be considered the end-game, and only done when the recipient is absolutely, one-hundred percent sure that they want it.

HRT can have some permanent effects, but is still mostly reversible through de-transitioning. Surgeries, however, are not so easily undone.

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I am sorry that you have to go through this.

If it is any help, you can look into research being done on penis and scrotum transplants. They are still very early-on with their research, with only one operation being done, as far as I am aware. But, it would be much better than a phalloplasty, in my opinion.

Obviously, all of the medical procedures required to de-transition cost even more money on top of what you had to spend to transition in the first place. In your position, I assume that is not really money you have to spend freely.

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I would hold out hope though.

While it is much easier to get a job with a degree, there are still ways to get good jobs with only a high-school diploma/GED.

Thank you for this comment.

Even if it was not directed towards me, it means so much to me.

I see a lot of people post here, and I can feel the pain in their words.

And when I see some responses that are very negative, sometimes even sounding condescending, it hurts even more.

I think that it is important to remind everyone that this is a subreddit to help people.

Everyone is allowed to have their own views, but the first priority should be caring for those who need help, not pushing ideology onto others.

So, once again, thank you so much for your comment.

I am probably not the best person to give an answer for this, but I would like to tell you what I think, if that is okay.

Personally, if transitioning would truly make someone happier, I am all for it. And while it is true that changing your sex is impossible (as of now), that does not mean that transition should be ruled out as an option for people who might want it.

Now, with that being said, I also think that gender dysphoria is a body issue. I do not think that anything in regards to likes, dislikes, preferences, role-models, relations, activities, feelings, et cetera has anything to do with gender dysphoria.
Or rather, the only thing that transitioning can treat is the body issues. Feeling uncomfortable with your body being feminine might be reason to consider transition as an option.

However, issues with fitting in or looking for role-models will not be solved with transition. In fact, sometimes they can even be made worse.
And while I digress a bit slightly, I think that finding female or male role-models should not be an issue concerning gender. People should be allowed to look up to whoever they want (hopefully someone worth looking up to) regardless of either of their genders.

On top of that, gender roles are, in my opinion, a very toxic part of society. They lead to nothing but unhappiness and I think that doing your best to unlearn all of them is important.
But, keeping back with your dilemma, transitioning cannot solve any issues that you may have with how you feel about your personality, only issues that you have with your body.

I will not say whether transitioning is the right choice for you because, to be honest, I do not really know. And even if I did, I do not think that I have the responsibility to tell you something like that.
The issues you have with your personality and society make me want to suggest continuing to rethink your mindset before considering transition.
Yet, your legitimate concerns about your body would be a reason to look into transition.

I do not really know what the best answer is.
I am sorry.
I know that I did not really answer your question, I mostly just wanted to share my mindset on the matter and hope that it could provide anything of worth to you.

Regardless, if I had to give any answer, I would at least put transitioning off for a few more years. Testosterone is very powerful, so the effects can still change your body a lot even after you get older. Meanwhile, you can have more time to think and see if there are any possible alternatives.

For some people, the work of having to consciously put an effort to appear as your preferred gender everyday is just too much for them.
It is not that they feel they are pretending to be the other gender, but when you have to act and dress a certain way all the time, lest people not see you as your prefer, it can feel a lot like being forced to wear a costume all the time.
Life can become restricting, and while they do still feel dysphoric, it becomes too much for them, and they feel it would be easier to deal with their dysphoria in other ways.

That being said, I have never actually experienced it, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but that would be my assumption on the matter.

I think that a lot of people confuse their depression for gender dysphoria, or are possibly suggested that by other people.

To be honest, I do not even think that gender dysphoria and depression go hand-in-hand.

I think that they are usually pretty separate, although I could be wrong about that.