This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
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About me
My journey started as a teenager when puberty felt like a betrayal of my female body, and I used escapism to cope with trauma. I found an explanation for my discomfort online and began identifying as a trans man, eventually taking testosterone hoping it would fix my depression. For a while I felt more confident, but I eventually realized the underlying trauma and unhappiness were still there. Through therapy that focused on my past, I understood my feelings were more about body dysmorphia and a desire to escape pain than being male. I've stopped hormones and am living as a woman again, finally finding peace while dealing with the permanent effects of my choices.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender was complicated, and looking back, I see a lot of things more clearly now. It all started when I was a teenager. Puberty was really hard for me; I hated the changes happening to my body, especially developing breasts. It felt wrong and uncomfortable, like my body was betraying me. At the same time, I was dealing with a lot of childhood trauma and used escapism as a major coping mechanism. I’d often imagine I was someone else, even an animal, just to get away from the stress and the way I was treated. I think this desire to escape played a big part in my initial feelings about my gender.
I also struggled with depression and low self-esteem. I found a lot of comfort online, in communities where people talked about not fitting in. I started to think that maybe my discomfort with my body was gender dysphoria. I learned that gender dysphoria wasn't about "liking the idea" of being another gender, but about the stress and discomfort you feel. For me, that discomfort was very real. I started to identify as non-binary first, and then later, as a trans man. I think I was influenced by what I saw online and by friends who were on similar paths. It felt like I had finally found an explanation for why I felt so out of place.
I ended up taking testosterone. I saw it as the solution to my problems. I knew about testosterone from the bodybuilding world, where it's pushed to make men more masculine and muscular, but for me, it was about finally feeling right. I thought it would fix my depression and my low self-esteem. For a while, it did make me feel better. I felt more confident and like I was taking control. But after a few years, I started to realize that the underlying issues were still there. The trauma, the need for escapism, the depression—they hadn't gone away. I had just layered a medical transition on top of them.
I never got surgery. I thought about top surgery a lot because I hated my breasts, but I never went through with it. I'm grateful for that now. I started to question everything after I began to process my trauma better and my life became more stable. I realized that a lot of my gender dysphoria was tangled up with body dysmorphia and general unhappiness. I learned that body dysmorphia is when your mind exaggerates a perceived flaw, while gender dysphoria is discomfort with traits that are actually there. For me, they were intertwined. I also came to understand that my admiration for certain fictional characters wasn't a sign of being trans, but just a normal part of having role models, mixed with my tendency to escape into fantasy.
I don't regret exploring my gender identity because it helped me learn so much about myself. But I do regret taking testosterone. I have some lasting health issues from it, and I'm now infertile, which is a difficult reality to face. I've benefited from therapy that wasn't just about affirming my gender but about digging into the root causes of my pain, like my trauma. That was what really helped me heal.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's a very personal experience. I think it's important for people, especially young people, to explore all the reasons they might be uncomfortable before making permanent changes. For me, it was never really about being a man. It was about trying to escape from pain. I'm living as a woman again now, and I'm finally starting to feel at peace with myself.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| My Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 13-14 | Started puberty; felt intense discomfort with my body, especially breast development. Used escapism to cope with trauma. |
| 16 | Discovered online communities; began identifying as non-binary, influenced by friends and what I read online. |
| 18 | Started identifying as a trans man and began taking testosterone. |
| 18-22 | Lived as a man; experienced initial confidence boost but underlying depression and trauma remained. |
| 23 | Began questioning my transition after life became more stable and through therapy focused on root causes. |
| 24 | Stopped testosterone. Realized my issues were linked to trauma and body dysmorphia, not solely gender dysphoria. |
| 25 | Accepted my identity as a woman; began dealing with the permanent side effects of HRT, including infertility. |
Top Comments by /u/Kermit1420:
Honestly, I think everybody does this. Or I mean, regardless of gender identity- cis or trans. Plenty of cis people have characters or celebrities and such that they look up to and think "I want to look like them", it's kind of just a normal thing, actually, but the degree of how badly a person is obsessed with that look is what differs.
Personally, I'm one of the people who really admires some fictional characters, but not because of their looks, but rather the ones I feel I relate to a lot. It's comforting to have characters you feel you can relate to.
It can definitely have something to do with escapism though. Regularly just admiring a fictional character or celebrity as I mentioned before is normal, but I think otherkin and fictionkin are identities born out of escapism. Not sure it has a connection to being trans for some people- I think it's largely about not being happy with their life in general. I had a ton of childhood trauma, and I utilized escapism of believing I was an animal or something other than human- that was how I deflected some of the stress from life and tried to rationalize the way I was treated.
Usually, when a person grows up and gets to a better place in life, then I've noticed otherkin and fictionkin start to go away. Not all, but a lot.
Gender dysphoria can start at any age technically, you just see it a lot more in teens because of puberty starting to develop sex characteristics. Not sure about your reason, though. Gender dysphoria isn't classified by "liking the idea of being the opposite gender", the diagnosis is moreso whether or not its causing you stress, discomfort, etc.
I can't be sure, since you know yourself best, but you might just not be particularly prude about how you're perceived. I have cis friends who are perfectly fine with their bodies and their gender, but don't mind the idea of being the opposite gender. It all boils down to what you think, though.
Maybe this is bad advice, but have you told them all of this yet? About how you feel? You didn't say anything in your post about it so I couldn't be sure. This seems like a case of really needing to sit down and talk, honestly. Tell them that the way they're acting is hurting you, tell them that you don't hold anything against them in that regard.
And if they have something to say, then hear that out as well. Maybe they have misconceptions, maybe assumptions they never got the time to actually discuss with you.
And with politics, it honestly might be better to avoid that specific subject. I've got parents with pretty different views from mine, and I'm very aware that some topics, if I were to bring them up, would only end in arguments and frustration. It's not worth it. If they say something I disagree with, I may say a little something, but I don't press it. I'm not there to change their mind.
Would I choose to be friends with people who share their political views? No. Probably not. But they're my parents, and I love them and don't get to choose who they are, so I deal with their differences.
As you said yourself, gender dysphoria is around sex based characteristics- which is why it's different. Dysmorphia could be almost anything, gender dysphoria is centered around specifically sex traits.
Additionally, as you also said, dysmorphia is based on perception and the subject is either not noticeable to others or incredibly slight (not that they may or may not exist, that's a incorrect definition). Gender dysphoria is focused on discomfort in what does exist and what is visible- not an exaggeration that the mind has focused on as a subject of insecurity, like body dysmorphia is.
HRT, specifically testosterone, has been pushed on men for a very, very long time by now. Contrary to what some might suggest, HRT for men is a much more lucrative opportunity than HDT for trans people. After all, trans people are certainty not as big in numbers as cis men are. Makes sense that cis men would be the biggest customers.
Testosterone is commonly used among the whole macho-men bodybuilding community. They use it to enhance their performance and the rate at which their muscles grow- also, there's of course much about it making a man more masculine and manly, or whatever. Oh, and don't forget the whole "it will give you better sex drive and make you more attractive" thing.
One guy does it, then another guy notices and thinks it's a good idea, then the cycle continues. Or influencers will promote it, then people will blindly believe without doing research on how testosterone in high quantities can do to the body, and so on.
HRT has been a booming market for so long. I don't think we should point fingers at the trans community for this. It's a longlasting problem that goes beyond that.