My whole journey with this started a long time ago, and looking back, it’s hard to untangle everything. I was born female, but I never really felt like I fit in, especially when I was a teenager. I hated my body when it started developing during puberty. I hated my breasts and just felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn't have the words for it then, but it was a deep unhappiness.

A lot of my feelings were tied up with other problems. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety, and I had really low self-esteem. I think I used the idea of transition as a form of escapism. I thought if I could just change my body, all the other pain would go away. I was also influenced a lot by what I saw online and by friends who were exploring similar identities. It felt like I had finally found a solution.

I started by identifying as non-binary, but that quickly shifted to identifying as a trans man. I thought that was the only way to truly escape being a woman. I ended up taking testosterone for a while. It did make me feel better for a bit, I think just because I was taking action and felt like I had control. But the underlying issues were still there. I also got top surgery. I don't want to go into too much graphic detail, but it was a major decision that I made thinking it would fix everything.

After a while, the initial relief faded. I started to realize that changing my body hadn't fixed my mind. I was still the same person with the same struggles. I began to regret transitioning. I felt like I had been sold a solution that didn't work for my specific problems. I believe that what I really needed was therapy that addressed my depression and self-esteem, not just therapy that affirmed my gender identity. I think if I had gotten that kind of non-affirming therapy earlier, I might not have gone down the path I did.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's become way too complicated. I see it happening with kids, too. I'm a father of boys, and some of them have liked things that people might call "girly," like dolls or a pink dollhouse. I let them have those things because they're just toys. It worries me that some parents now would see that and immediately think their son is trans, instead of just letting a kid be a kid. I think we need to be more careful and not encourage such permanent decisions based on feelings that can be temporary, especially in young people.

I don't think you can change your sex. I believe we should be encouraging real therapy and counseling for people who are struggling, not just affirming a feeling without looking at the root causes. I’ve seen how dangerous that can be.

As for my life now, I’ve found things that genuinely help my mood. Running is a big one for me. A good run can make me feel euphoric for hours afterward. It’s a real, healthy way to cope, unlike the escape I was looking for in transition.

Here is a timeline of my journey based on what I remember: