My whole journey with this started when I was really young. I never felt comfortable with my body, especially when I hit puberty and started developing breasts. I hated them; they felt completely foreign and wrong on me. I spent a lot of time online back then and fell into communities that explained these feelings as being "born in the wrong body." It made a kind of sense to me at the time and felt like an answer to all my discomfort. I was also struggling with a lot of depression and anxiety, and I think I used the idea of transition as a form of escapism from dealing with those deeper issues.

I came out as non-binary first, because that felt like a less scary step to take. But the online spaces I was in, and even some friends, kept pushing the idea that to be truly happy, I needed to fully transition. I started testosterone. Getting top surgery felt like the ultimate goal, the thing that would finally make me feel right. I was told it was just removing a cosmetic part I didn't want, that my body would be fine without it.

After surgery, the physical complications were serious and really difficult. But the harder part was the mental shift. I started to realize that my breasts weren't just aesthetic pieces; they were a functional part of my body that helped regulate my hormones and health. Removing them caused more problems than it solved. I began to understand that a lot of the rhetoric I had followed was dishonest. It ignored basic human anatomy and sold a fantasy that my body could just be reshaped without consequence.

I also had to face my own internalized issues. I think a lot of my initial discomfort was rooted in a deep-seated self-hatred and a rejection of being female, perhaps influenced by some internalized homophobia. I benefited greatly from finally finding a therapist who wasn't just there to affirm everything I said, but who actually helped me work through my trauma and my underlying depression and anxiety. That non-affirming therapy was crucial for me. It helped me see that I was trying to solve a psychological problem with a physical solution.

I don't believe in the concept of gender identity the way I used to. I think I was sold an idea that doesn't make biological sense. I regret my transition deeply, especially the surgery. I am now infertile and have to live with serious health complications because of a decision I made when I was unwell and influenced by a movement that doesn't tell the whole truth. My only hope is that by sharing my story, others might slow down and ask the hard questions I avoided for so long.