Hey everyone, I just wanted to share these images to show some of what my experience has been like. I'm a detrans female, I present androgynously because that has always been my style, but I'm learning how to be more confident in myself despite knowing I may not look or sound like an average woman. Remember always that that's ok! I thought I'd never look even remotely closer to what I looked before, but everything changes, and while you can't bring yourself exactly back, you learn to live life as it is now. Don't give up!

I think the reason is that us speaking about our detrans experiences either triggers them to question themselves as to whether it makes sense to spend so much energy in the performance of something that's unattainable anyways, or it gives evidence to the fact that we are not as uncommon as they make us out to be. Perhaps it is because I google this topic or search for new content on yt and things like that, but I'm seeing increasing examples of more and more detransitioners. Like fresh new people who previously identified as trans and are now posting videos or whatever about deciding to detransition.

The more we are and speak about these experiences, the more I think some of the trans people can feel somehow endangered because if some of us got to accept reality, then the general public might think of them (more than they already sometimes do) that they are being unreasonable. It opens a can of worms that they don't want to deal with because a lot of that ideology has to do with how others perceive them, validate them, or cater to them, and so now imagine how they must feel to know that even folks like us who once were living under those ideas, can now say "you know what, that doesn't work for me for whatever reasons"? But just as people seem to mimick suddenly coming out as trans, I think that more and more people will be detransitioners, to the point where it will be harder to try to erase the fact that we exist.

desisted is usually used by those who were going to transition and decided against it for a variety of reasons, or those who didn't went through a medical transition. The difference I'd say is the magnitude as to the possible effects the person had (it's way different between someone who, say, had an hysterectomy or other major surgery, from someone who just introduced themselves as a guy while being a woman, but who has their body as it always had been. The process to gain back some sense of normalcy would thus be far easier to a desisted person than to someone who underwent medical transition.

Something that might help ease a bit of that anxiety is just knowing that the guy is already interest in going there and meeting you. Do you know how many women say they never get asked out? Even though that shouldn't be an indicator for your worth, just know that he's already interested. Going on a date's supposed to be exciting and fun, so go into it with that idea. You are deserving of fun and attraction, and even if for whatever reason it doesn't work out, you are putting yourself out there and those are all great steps towards having more confidence in yourself, so maybe look at it like that.

I was super scared when I started dating as a detrans lesbian, thinking that no one would ever like me again, but that hasn't been the case. Showing up as yourself, despite your past experiences, is part of what has gotten you here. Someone who is worthy of you will like you for everything that has gotten you to this point of your life, so try to embrace that!

I have a date with a woman tomorrow, and while I'm also nervous of going there flat chested and with my deeper voice, that's how I am, it's not all of who I am, so I'm going to try to just show up as authentically as I can.

And try not getting twenty steps ahead thinking already about what would happen when it comes to being intimate. If it comes to that, hopefully you'd feel comfortably enough with him before that so that perhaps you could address some of your experience directly, as a way to be more open with him.

I hope we both have a great time!! You got this!

In my experience, once you start with the questioning, it stays there until you address the questions. At the beginning for me, I would try asking myself, if no one else would see me, would I want to continue taking T for the rest of my life just to look at myself in the mirror and have an appearance of a guy with my clothes on, but that unequivocally female body otherwise? And then the more I started trying to make sense of it all, I realized that for me, even though I've felt a sense of not belonging in myself as a woman for years, that's what I ultimately am. Everything else was a performance, one that left me very lonely because I couldn't share parts of me with everyone, I had to be very selective of what I chose to express while living "as a guy". So, from there, it comes down to how much more you've done other than hormones. In my case, I had a double mastectomy, and I'm not sure if I'll have reconstruction in the future. But once I decided to stay off T (it's been 2 years now), I informed it to my family doctor, who didn't really helped me with any guidance or anything. I basically quit cold turkey and started slowly talking about it to my closest friends and family. I still haven't been able to legally change my name back, but I will as soon as I have the chance. I also started facial laser hair removal, and otherwise I have been in the process of just trying to accept reality. Google detrans resources, there are some links that come up with a few articles and downloadable material. It's not much, but otherwise, it will be a period of adjustment, but I've been there, for a similar duration as you, and believe me when I say that things will get better even if you currently feel stuck and like you don't know if you will ever be able to live as a woman again. When you learn to accept that, in reality, you've been a woman this whole time even with an outward masculine appearance, it gets easier. You just stop the performance and go back to being yourself. Best of success to you!

You've said it yourself: if you transition, you'll never be a real man. So starting from that premise, it's about whether you're down for a lifetime of performing and never being, being perceived a certain way but never having the experiences of a man as a man. Many downsides come from the actual experience of being perceived as but never being a dude.

I think many of us here can relate to some of the things you've said: the identity questioning, the feeling like an outsider with other women, liking women, not having a stable relationship with one's body. But ultimately, none of that was enough to make for a life of performing something we'll never get to actually be. So, some of us decided we will just be what we are: women, with however many identity, body, etc. issues. And those issues, once seemingly impossible to live with, are not as concerning as they were before we went through all of those consequences...

However, you are still quite young, still with a lot to live in terms of who you want to date (women, as you say), and you seem very focused on what your bf might want or not. It's not about your bf. It's nice that he's supportive, but there are far more resounding consequences to transitioning. It seems you think it would be cool, despite the downsides, but truthfully I don't think someone can tell you a list of all the consequences that come with it that could convince you not to do it. You'll probably still have a hard relationship with your body because it will continue feeling foreign, because of that impossibility of ever being a guy. And, if you like women, I can assure you your dating pool will significantly reduce as a trans guy, because despite how progressive many women are nowadays, the reality is that most queer women aren't interested in dating trans guys.

I know that when I was gonna transition, no amount of stuff anyone could tell me would stop me from doing it, because once you're deep in that, you couldn't care less what others think. So maybe just sit with your feelings or try, in therapy, to get to the root of why you think being perceived but never being a man would be better for you than existing as you are: an attractive female who, as many of us, has a hard relationship with herself and her body.

My advice would be that for the long run, and in order to avoid having to drag out something that would be clearer for everyone if expressed directly, just put your embarrassment to the side and have a calm and collected talk with your mom, letting her know that you've decided to go back to your feminine pronouns, etc.

Since you've said that they never quite accepted the male stuff anyways, I don't think it's that hard to fathom that your family would be more on board to you just going back to your feminine addressing. I know that it sucks to admit that perhaps we made a mistake or that for whatever reason the transition wasn't what we thought it would be, but believe me, life will be much easier once you stop going through the constant discomfort of hearing them sometimes address you in masculine ways when you just want to leave that behind. Sometimes we just have to straight out ask for what we want, and it doesn't need to be in an argumentative way. Just say it very casually, get them on board with that, and you'll have less to worry about.

It is harder to grasp in your mind than what it is in reality, once you do it. I was on a similar boat -- look at my timeline; I'm pretty much seen as a woman all of the time now, and I present masculine, got a flat chest, deep voice. Go for it, it really gets easier with time, to the point that now I even rarely come on this reddit because this, just like transitioning in the first place, suddenly becomes just a background.

I did grew my hair shoulder length to "help" with being seen as a woman again, but honestly the biggest difference comes with time, as your facial structure, skin texture, etc. will start getting used to being off T. I've been off it for over two years now, and my face is pretty much looking like it did before I was on it (was on it for 7 years!). Just dress as it feels comfortable with you, and be confident in that you know who you are-- people will catch up, no more trying to act "like a guy", because you just are who you are!

good luck to y'all

thank you! that's a great question.

I've always been very reflective about myself, and a few years ago, I started feeling really lonely in terms of how I felt that, even though I had achieved that invisibility of being perceived as a guy, I couldn't share parts of myself. I felt that such invisibility was based on diminishing many of the things that used to bring me joy, and on the fact that it was hard for me to fathom a lifetime of having to either inject myself weekly or rub myself with the gel daily. I thought "I am not sick, I shouldn't be injecting myself weekly as if I was", and that was a big thing. Realizing that I had basically set up for a lifetime of having to do that in order to maintain that appearance. Yes, I had wish to see myself like that for many years, but it didn't brought the happiness or wholeness that I thought it would. So when I started thinking about how life could possibly be off T, I of course felt very lost, but once I started questioning, I could only push the thoughts away for so long. I decided to start reading about masculinity in women, butch history, etc., I did that because I wanted to understand at what point of my life I felt that that wasn't enough or even correct for me to exist as. And so I had to unpack a lot of things. I landed at some conclusions, such as that, for me, it is more "radical" to accept myself as I am in this world, as a woman, albeit one with now not only more male-like traits and masculine clothing preferences, than to have to do a lifetime performance of something I will never be able to reach. Because yes, outwardly people may have thought I was a guy, but I knew that precisely because I am a woman, I was doing that "transition" to begin with. And it was very lonely for me to know that I would never reach being a guy, so I felt it was time to just embrace what I am, and to live with it in the best way I can. Now sadly whenever I clock a trans guy out and about, I can't help but to think that to me they are a masculinized woman. They can claim to be a man all they want, and yeah I'll call them what their chosen name is, but it is just performative. There's only so much you can try to fool yourself about.

Plus, it is real that it was also lonely to know that, although I spent all my life dating lesbians, now I was not part of those they'd want to date, and I am certainly not interested in dating gay men, who were the majority of those who were trying to get my interest. So... A few of the main reasons I did it! Can you relate in anything?

I was on T for 7 years, and while I'm not a doctor, I quit cold turkey because my doctor was not helpful at all or gave me any guidance as to how to "properly stop". So, considering that you've been on them for way less time, and that you seem to be on a pretty low dose, I don't think that you would have any negative side effects from stopping it altogether. For reference, my period came back about 2 months after stopping cold turkey, and I've been fine ever since, with regular periods. If anything, I would recommend that if you do stop, you try to get a blood test checking for your T and E levels after a while, to see where they're at.