Good. I hope they rethink their lives.

I don’t remember which therapist said this to me once: “My job is not to believe whatever you tell me and affirm you”.

I think that’s the right professional attitude.

Although it’s not just therapists though. I had an ADHD doctor once. He’s really famous in the field so you think he would know better. At one point he’s like “well, which medication would you like to try next? Adderall? Concerta?” 🤦‍♀️ Um. Hello. It’s your job to decide that based on my reactions to previous drugs and medical history. You’re the doctor! Not be a state licensed drug dispenser!

It could be as mundane as “I’m breaking one taboo, so why not break all the taboos?” If you’re on the outskirts of society anyway, might as well. It’s also true that other people on the outskirts may be more accepting of you; they would have to be. So you have more reason to fit in with them.

I looked into polyamory at one point in my late teens. My reason being, society’s rules are bullshit, so why do I assume there’s any basis in monogamy anyway?

The reasons behind society’s rules are usually not obvious. It’s like a fish doesn’t know water is wet. I didn’t see any reason behind monogamy or marriage or anything traditional at that point in my life.

To be female. Over the years I’ve come to accept that there is no one right way to be a woman. The more gender conforming, stereotypical “girly” girls I’ve known in the past aren’t meaningfully more womanly than any metric except for some aesthetic sense. And I’m sure if you ask anyone who knows me, yeah, I have Asperger’s so I’m a little weird. But I am a woman in every way. Nobody would deny that, and nobody would call me a man in a woman’s body. Even as masculine in temperament as I am, I still come off as very feminine compared to the guys. In a group of all men I am by far the least aggressive there. By a mile.

People don’t realize how different males and females are until they try to pretend to be the other sex. Nora Vincent went undercover as a guy and she certainly looked the part. I remember reading she had always been boyish and tall and had a deep voice.

But the guys who hung out with “him” could tell there was something odd right away. They had all kinds of theories about what was going on with “him”. and when she finally revealed herself, nobody was shocked. Even in her best male disguise, as a very masculine woman to begin with, she made an extremely feminine man. Everything about her screamed “woman”, down to the way she carries herself.

I’m sorry that society makes you feel like that. Existing in society is tough for youths who are not gender conforming. When you are young, you just want to be accepted. That’s true when you’re older too, but now that I’m almost 30, I find the urge is less strong and I am able to find my confidence in other ways.

I thought I was the problem, and if I just got out of my own body, it would solve everything. But there was the nagging feeling that I wasn’t a man and I had no idea what being a man would even mean.

I suspect more therapists get it than don’t, but the taboo is too scary, which is why you can’t tell who’s who right away. Therapists are just people after all, and talking to people IRL, fewer people buy into trans ideology than you would think just listening to the noise out there.

Never transitioned but I can see that as being true. I have a deep seated self contempt. I think my desire to transition has something got do with that. I just didn’t want to be me anymore. If I could get out of being myself, then that would solve all my problems. I never liked my birth name. To me that is the ugliest name imaginable. But everyone else in my life always said it was nice. I changed it in my 20s. Chose a name carefully. Seemed like the perfect name. And within months of changing the name, it started to take on the same ugliness my old name had. Like you said, it was never the name. As soon as I identified with the name, I mysteriously started to dislike it.

How recent is your detransition? People often need time to cope with big changes. Just like they struggled to cope with your transition, they will need time to cope with your detransition as well, especially if the transition left a mark on your relationship. Even in the best case scenario, it may take several years before things normalize between you. And especially if you abused them, they will be suddenly processing a lot of emotions. They may have found their peace and come to terms with your transition. But if you decide to detransotion, a lot of old emotions are dragged up and that peace will be shattered. I would give it time.

I am autistic, gender non conforming and have ADHD, and never felt normal. It doesn’t help that I’m Chinese, a culture with strong gender norms and intense pressure to achieve. OTOH I was raised in a different culture, so I grew up being a foreigner.

My mom also did a great job of letting me know how much i had shattered her expectations as a daughter, and not in a good way. She would say “why can’t you be bubbly and affectionate like every other girl? Why do you wear boys clothes? I wanted a girl, god damn it.”

Things people find easy or take for granted (like turning in your homework, getting a date) felt like a Herculean task. People always seemed to think I was weird and are oddly uncomfortable around me. Maybe I was just that ugly? Nope, that’s not it either. The answer may lie in the autism. You know how people call Zuckerberg a lizard person? Yeah, that.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something deeply wrong with me and I needed to be someone else. In the end, trans was just one hat I tried on. It didn’t fit very well, but then again, nothing really did. I moved many countries, without really knowing why. I suspect it has something to do with wanting to find a place I felt a sense of belonging.

I even moved back to China, and found out that people can usually pick me out as being foreign raised in 2-3 sentences of interaction, even though they tell me my accent is fluent, totally native. Something about the way I dress, think, carry myself and what references I know/don’t know always give it away.

I wasn’t a beautiful teen girl, so I had no regrets there! But I had a bunch of other regrets. Including not applying myself in high school and not getting into my dream school. I regretted that for so long time.

But anyway, I did go to a decent school and met my husband there. Together we have the most wonderful little girl. If I had gone to the other school, maybe I would have met somebody else and have just as amazing a family. But then again, who knows? All I know is, whether good or bad, I’m not interested in that timeline anymore because it would mean losing what I have now.

Who you are today is the result of your entire life story. You really can’t cut any part out. You seem to have such s great perspective on things, and good things are coming your way, you’re so young and wise already. Many people struggle for longer to be as comfortable in their skin as you seem to be.

I don’t think it’s so much that the nails that stick out get hammered. But in some way no one really wants to stick out because it’s an uncomfortable place to be. When I was in school, as an autistic tomboy, I was desperately looking for any reason I am such a weird person who wasn’t accepted anywhere. I tried to stuff myself into a man suit because i was not very “good” woman.

But anyway, I decided to just be myself. And once I decided that; it wasn’t so bad. I no longer felt like I had to deny the feminine parts of my personality or looks just to fit into the guy box. I became more comfortable in the traits that make me a woman. Even my husband says he basically married a dude, but he finds me very feminine in some ways.