I felt this hard, the phenomenon you’re describing is very real and I wrote something similar

Regarding not wanting to be “an oppressor”, this consumed my thoughts for the longest time, so I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. I hated the idea that being a man makes me an oppressor or an enemy, and I hated the fact that I was interested in a lot of the stereotypical things that guys like, which I assumed was a sign of toxic masculinity. I used to viciously hate anybody who I saw as “one of the oppressors”—men, white people, etc.— and I used to hate whatever aspect of myself coincided with “oppressive” groups. Wanting to fit into more left wing spaces definitely played some part in my decision to transition, even though I had experienced genuine dysphoria (or at least managed to convince myself that I did). The thing is though, even if we posit that the dominant culture is oppressive towards certain groups (which is correct of course), it is entirely possible to belong to a subculture where those dynamics are just inverted, and where you end up treating people like shit because they’re white or straight or cis or whatever. It’s not really the same thing as being oppressed by “wider society” of course, but it’s dumb to pretend that how you are treated in these spaces won’t have a significant effect on how younger people see themselves, especially if the internet is a large part of your socialization where you can choose to put yourself in an echo chamber that pretty much turns into your entire world. I guess my point is that you shouldn’t internalize this idea of yourself as an “oppressor” for being cis. The dynamics of power are more complicated than we like to think. A lot of the rhetoric around oppression can also get incredibly toxic, and it’s clear that some people just use it as an excuse to put other people down so they can feel better about themselves (not to mention that a lot of people love to emphasize the way they are oppressed and ignore the ways in which they are oppressors themselves). Just try your best to be a good person and to make the world a better place, that’s all anyone can really ask of you.

I think it’s important to remember that nobody actually conforms to their gender 100%. You can wear men’s clothing without having to perform a male gender, the same way I love to cook and bake but don’t feel like I’m performing a female gender. Of course it’s easier said than done with your dissociation, but like I said, nobody conforms to their gender 100% and it’s important to keep that in mind.

Wow this resonated with me thank you ❤️❤️❤️ also I can’t recommend finding a physical hobby enough, I feel like I’ve been in a position to embrace life for the first time in a long time

Edit: shifting my perspective from trying to identify as things to trying to do things also really helped

This might be a bit of an unpopular opinion but there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to present/appear a way that you think is desirable to the type of people whom you yourself find desirable. You’re not covering up your “authentic self” or anything; we’re irrevocably interdependent beings and our subjectivity is partially molded by the people and the world around us. Doing what feels comfortable, what comes naturally to you, and what makes you happy is the important bit, and it’s best not to overthink it.

Don’t know much about his views on gender but he’s probably worth listening to. I have a wicked smart friend who’s studying philosophy/critical theory/psychoanalysis who’s writing his dissertation about some of Zizek’s theories, so he’s definitely pretty well-respected. A feminist philosopher I’d recommend is Katerina Kolozova; she’s not hardcore Gender Critical (I’ve seen her explicitly include trans women under the category of women in some of her articles), but she does takes a more materialist/Marxist approach to feminism. A lot of her shit is kinda hard to understand and it would probably help to have a basic understanding of Marx and Laruelle (I didn’t though and was still able to understand most of it with the help of google). She criticizes subjectivity-centred politics, and by extension, identity, so I think detrans people would find her work useful.

I don’t like to admit it but I kinda used to think this way. I always saw how many men were doing awful things on the news and started believing we were inherently violent, and then had that perception reinforced by certain “””progressive””” communities I was a part of. That kind of rhetoric is harmful when you’re confused like I was. I was filled with constant self-loathing about the indirect damage I did by existing. I hope this person can find help.

The way we look at beauty is pretty funny. The truth is that most people aren’t particularly attractive, we just tend to notice the attractive ones more. And that’s okay lol if everyone was hot, no one would be. I’m sure you’re much prettier than you think you are, but even if you aren’t, I always say that the absence of a desirable trait isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are plenty of other ways you can excel! If we place too much emphasis on beauty instead of seeing it as just one among many possible desirable traits, talents, abilities, etc, then that’s a social issue that needs to be interrogated.

Man I remember when I was a part of ultra-left Twitter (communism/anarchism/black nationalism, etc.) before my account got suspended, one of my closest online friends got “cancelled” for some dumb inconsequential shit I can’t even remember. This was a gay Black dude but he had one wrong opinion or was following someone less than progressive and got called out over it by another one of my circle of “friends”. He was the only person who had ever stuck up for me, the only person who had been genuinely kind to me, but I got scared that my “friends” would shun me for continuing to talk to him so I blocked and unfollowed him and never interacted with him again. I still feel awful thinking about it. I hope he’s doing okay.

The pressure to have an "interesting" identity in some scenes is just awful. I think finding a meritocratic hobby is a great idea; people who pick up an activity they're passionate about and devote their time trying to get good at it are frankly a lot happier and more fun to be around than people who try to be "interesting" or "transgressive" or whatever. Personally, I joined a brazilian jiu jitsu gym before covid started and enjoyed it immensely. I'd highly recommend it, there were plenty of men and women just getting exercise and having a good time :)