My whole journey with this started when I was really young. I got my period when I was only nine years old and my breasts developed very early and quickly; I had DD cups by the time I was twelve. I felt extremely uncomfortable with my body during puberty. I hated my breasts and felt like they made me stand out in a bad way. I didn't feel like I fit in with other girls.

I started identifying as trans on and off from around that age, twelve. It felt like an escape from the discomfort and the pressure of growing up as a girl. I started binding my chest every day for about two years, which I know has really damaged my breast tissue. When I was seventeen, I decided to start taking testosterone. I was on T for about six months.

The testosterone changed my body in ways that are permanent. My voice dropped and is very deep now, I have a noticeable Adam's apple, my neck got thicker, and I grew a lot of body and facial hair. For a while, these changes felt like they were solving a problem, but eventually, I realized I had made a mistake.

About ten months ago, when I was eighteen, I decided to detransition. I realized that my transition was influenced by a deep discomfort with puberty and my developing body, and not by actually being a man. I think a lot of it was also tied to low self-esteem and anxiety. I was looking for a way out of those feelings, and transitioning seemed like the answer at the time.

Now, I’m a nineteen-year-old detransitioned woman, and I have to deal with the permanent effects of the testosterone. It’s been really hard. I feel a lot of shame about my past and my body. It’s interfered with my ability to live a normal life and has made it difficult for me to be intimate with anyone. I’m so ashamed of how my genitalia looks that I can’t let anyone see it, which makes the idea of a sexual relationship impossible right now. I’ve even considered surgery to try and "fix" it, but I’m terrified of making another permanent decision I might regret, so I know I would have to think about it for years before doing anything.

I’ve also struggled with the social aspects. I ran into someone from my past who knew me when I was transitioning, and I had a huge anxiety attack, worrying that my secret was out and that everyone would know. It made me feel like I couldn’t confide in my friends about my detransition. But I talked to her and she was understanding and said she wouldn't tell anyone. It made me realize that my anxiety often makes things seem worse than they are.

Even with all the difficulties, detransitioning was the right choice for me. I am a lot happier now than I was. I’ve learned to adapt, like learning how to speak in a way that sounds feminine even with my deeper voice. A lot of the body hair has lessened, though some things, like my voice and Adam's apple, I will have for life. I’ve made peace with that for the most part. I don’t regret detransitioning at all, but I do have some regrets about my transition, specifically the permanent physical changes.

My thoughts on gender now are that for me, it was never really about being a man. It was about trying to escape the discomfort and pain of a female puberty and the pressures that came with it. I was running from myself. Now, I’m trying to learn how to be okay with who I actually am.

Here is a timeline of my journey: