It’s wild isn’t it?

I would say it was a very long, dark, and also empowering journey. In the beginning of my transition I felt very pressured to be hyper masculine, so I did that bit for a while. I was also with a woman who wasn’t very… let’s say invested in us appearing as a man and a woman and nothing in between. The relationship was long and toxic. My family was invested in this as well. It was very suffocating for me internally.

Over the years I slowly found my way back to femininity. I started slowly growing my hair out. The people around me hated me presenting as a male who wore fake nails, makeup, and girly clothes. The funny thing is, I just found my way back to it. I didn’t start intentionally dressing more femme because I had conscious thoughts about detransitioning, I just simply gravitated towards femininity. It was like a pull. It came to a point where I couldn’t stop it.

I didn’t really understand why yet. I thought maybe I was non-binary now or just a femme man at first.

I would say I consciously contemplated detransitioning for a good 3 years before actually committing.

I started noticing thoughts like if I saw a friend changing I would be jealous of their boobs. Or I would feel a strong emotion towards a woman (I’m a lesbian) but it wasn’t just attraction. It was like I wanted to look like her. I would get sad. Then confused. I just started to have gut feelings.

Not passing didn’t help. The health problems didn’t help. It was piling up.

What started the 3 year journey of unpacking was a YouTube video. It was a young detrans woman who had an eerily similar story to mine— a story that I now know to be common among detrans women.

I prefer to not get into details about this part of my life because it’s quite dark, but the video had to do with physical abuse specifically from men and sexual assault.

The video broke me down. I was like, I’m her.

I just felt this small person inside of me.

It hurt for a while and I shoved it down, but once I awakened that there was no going back.

I think because of trauma I essentially disassociated very intensely for many years. This part of my brain really wasn’t accessible. But once I had the knowledge, the words, and admitted it to myself I could begin unraveling.

I did it very slowly so that I wouldn’t break.

Also my toxic relationship had ended. I was with a partner who was proudly queer and incredibly loving. She didn’t care how the fuck I identified or how I looked.

I think me leaving that space of my family and toxic partner helped allow my brain to relax and start processing things.

I felt comfortable and like I could be myself with my new partner. I felt like being with her allowed me to accept myself as a lesbian. I eventually told her how I felt and she was super supportive. She helped me find a good trauma therapist and I started working on it.

Overall, I do have a lot of grief but also a lot of joy. I had some great times during my transition that also intersected with my career. I met amazing people who are still my friends today.

For whatever reason, I had to go down this journey to make it full circle to where I am today. I think we’re just always evolving as people and I’m okay with that. It’s brought me to who I am today.

Why not just go back to your old style? I was super femme when I first detransitioned but then I slowly realized that’s not me. Sometimes I love dressing femme, but mostly I like being a femme faced masc. There’s sooo many different ways to be a a woman! And it doesn’t have to be the same every day.

Yes, this can happen. When surgeons perform mastectomies they try to “scrape” (I hate this word) all of the breast tissue out. Of course, they can sometimes not get all of it. So, when you go back to an estrogen dominant system it’s going to kick that back into gear. Fat redistribution.

I’ve had a small amount of growth, although not as much as yours. My nipples have also changed in sensation and gotten bigger and puffier.

You very much look like a butch woman to me. If this wasn’t on detrans I would never think “man.”

Did you explain to them that you’re a woman? Also I don’t know where you’re from, but as an Italian I can tell you they can be quite discriminatory when it comes to LGBT matters. They may have just assumed you’re queer in some way and didn’t want you around the kids. I don’t know how they said it but they could’ve meant they wanted a “feminine woman” or not a gay woman, something along those lines. Meaning you’re not not a woman, but you’re not the type of woman they wanted.

Just throwing things out there, but you do not look like a man at all in my opinion.

I do feel that my body bounced back remarkably quickly. My period came back quite fast and has been normal since.

Oh boy, there’s a lot of reasons. One of them is health. I had health issues pre-T (I’m disabled) and T only made it worse. I have heart problems that T exacerbated. And due to my condition, I was never quite able to maintain stable levels of T. My body seemed to absorb it and do weird things with it? To be fair, I have this issue with other medications too. It’s the nature of my disability— I have issues metahBut my levels would always either be too low or too high no matter what doctors did. I even had two T overdoses despite being on a very small dose for both of those times.

Mine didn’t shrink and I don’t think it’s going to. It’s permanent for a lot of people. The main difference I’ve noticed is that mine doesn’t get as hard anymore. So, the tissue is obviously still there but there’s not as much blood rushing to it similar to how men get hard.

I would caution against surgery of any kind. I’d be too worried about it affecting sensation. There’s nothing wrong with having a big clit 🤷🏼‍♀️

Normally it’s attributed to more sensation. If anyone has a problem with it, they suck. Clits come in all shapes and sizes, it’s not gross.

I would talk with a therapist about this.

Plenty of women do. I did pre-T.

Aw thank you! I appreciate it. Both photos are my natural hair texture and color just under different lighting. I do the curly girl styling method on my hair because it’s quite thick, frizzy, and coarse. So, I don’t heat style, dye it, or use any products with silicone/sulfates. I wash it once a week. But every night I spray rosemary water on my scalp and a hair oil on the ends. I either twist it into a bun or braid it and sleep with a silk bonnet on.

Testosterone is actually what made me get into hair care. I started experiencing a lot of hair loss in huge clumps when I was showering. I also started seeing male patterned baldness near my temples. So, I jumped into action because I didn’t wanna lose any more hair.

There is something wrong with HIM. Remember, surgery got us into trouble in the first place. If you really want reconstruction think very long and hard about it. It’d need to be for you and no one else. And it’s not a guarantee that it would fix things for you.

I have my days where I feel down about my mastectomy. But I just know that getting another surgery wouldn’t make me happy. The only thing that would make me truly happy is going back in time and not doing it— which clearly isn’t possible.

So, I’ve chosen radical acceptance of my body. This is something I really try to exercise since my detransition. I’ve made these permanent decisions and I need to learn to accept myself and live with them. Part of my issue was always trying to change myself.

I’d assume you’ve spent a lot of time doing this as well— trying to change yourself. It’s time to start accepting yourself.

You’re incredibly beautiful— I mean it. You look like a woman and there is nothing masculine about you. Not even your flat chest. Women can and do have flat chests for various reasons.

You’re perfect just the way you are. I promise you’ll find someone who loves you as you.

I used to worry about this a lot as a lesbian. But I now have an incredible fiancée who doesn’t care at all that I don’t have breasts.

I’m really sorry this happened to you. Hold on. People can be shit, but there are good people out there who will be able to accept you and what you’ve been through.

Thank you! I guess I do look pretty male in the left facially, especially with the beard.

It’s probably hard to tell I had issues passing. The beard helped a TON, but at the height of covid wearing a mask… forget it. I did not pass at all. I think my voice, body, and mannerisms remained an issue throughout my transition. Felt like something always gave it away. I got weird looks or questions everywhere I went. I often felt frightened for my safety.

Today? I 100% pass as a woman. Literally never had an issue, not once. Everything feels just right.

Unfortunately, this is how I felt too. I never quite passed. I had a beard and if you just took a photo of my face I could— but not my voice or body. It made my life very difficult and strangers treated me like absolute garbage. I was with someone who wanted me to be stealth and blend but people just thought we were lesbians, and she hated that. I constantly feared for harassment or worse.

I’m much happier now that I pass completely as a woman. The way people treat me has done a complete 180 and the confidence for myself has exploded.

In hindsight, I realize how much of a pipe dream passing as a cis man was.