I also am so frustrated that some of the leaders in the community minimize and hide the problems they themselves have with hormones. There's a transman YouTuber with a million subscribers who got terrible, terrible hormonal acne on testosterone, got super depressed and stopped posting videos for a while, then comes back all happy, skin clear, literally makes a video last summer about overcoming the acne with *mud masks*. We're all thinking oh, he's happier on T and his skin cleared up...only to hear in a "btw" in a video he dropped last week that he's been OFF TESTOSTERONE for over a year! What?! He's been misleading his fans about how his skin and his depression got better. It's so wrong.

I appreciate you both talking about this because there's all this talk about the "cotton ceiling" when of course it's perfectly normal for lesbians to only be attracted to female bodies--but lesbians get attacked as transphobic for rejecting transwomen. The exact same situation is going on for transmen because of course it's perfectly normal for gay men to only be attracted to male bodies, but 1) the number of "gay" transmen is so much smaller and 2) it's men doing the rejecting not women, so nobody accuses gay men of transphobia. @Hobbittoisengard it doesn't surprise me that you didn't know about this issue; transculture is pretty hidden until you're in it, and certainly most doctors would be clueless.

If you read some of the trans ally guidelines, they literally say that trans isn't about appearance and that it's completely valid for transmen to wear dresses, for example. Yet both trans and non-trans communities attack the gender non-conforming trans person for saying it's not their performance of gender that matters, it's an "inner truth." And maybe that's understandable--how are we supposed to react to someone else's inner truth??--but it's not helpful for a gender fluid person like you. Speaking of which, the guides also says that gender is fluid...except when it's fixed, which appears to happen the moment you come out as a transman or transwoman--good grief. In fact, the belief system is so confusing and contradictory that I've given up on trying to figure it out. It is sad and ironic, though, that trans ideology can sometimes force people into the exact same boxes that mainstream society does, only in reverse.

So this is what I'd say to you: break out of the box, do what feels right for you, and let go of trying to conform to others' expectations for you. Stop being so hard on yourself! Also know that being on cross-sex hormones has health risks that may impact your quality of life and your lifespan--they should not be taken lightly.

Good luck and hang in there!

Your mom will be fine, especially if you frame it as "I so appreciate that you listen to me to help me process difficult feelings and that I can trust you with what I'm really thinking about." I think in both cases you just say something like ...you did a lot of reflection and soul-searching and came to the conclusion that wondering and worrying about being transgender really for you meant no, you weren't--that you were approaching it from your head and not your heart. For your trans friends, in particular, you shower them with appreciation for their love, sharing and understanding. Feelings change and evolve, and it's a beautiful thing to develop clarity--do not beat yourself up for going through a very human and normal process <3.

It is a thing, there are def transmen who are attracted to men (although the stats are low). But the only trans gay men I've seen with partners have partners who are also trans gay men. On YouTube they refer to themselves and their boyfriends only as men, so it's misleading. Many gay transmen just have no partner.

Taking a back seat in your life and going through the motions is not a symptom of gender dysphoria specifically. It is a symptom of unhappiness. Perhaps start with getting some help for general depression and take some time to further explore the roots of this female fantasy. Did you wish you were a girl when you were little? If not, what changed?

She's 11. Honestly, the first issue isn't whether she has gender dysphoria or not, it's that she violated family rules around internet use, read/watched a LOT of material intended for older people that most 11 year olds would find confusing and disturbing, and is now, predictably, reacting. I would start my conversation with her by focusing on family boundaries, explaining why adults limit internet use for children and what your expectations are. I would also tell her that you're really concerned about the way she's reacting after what she's seen and that you'll be talking to her pediatrician to get further advice on how to respond to the difficult feelings this has brought up.

Probably someone has already suggested that you read Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier.

I hear you. I think the best advice I've gotten about letting go of regret is to first simply allow myself to feel the painful emotions, whatever they may be..shame, guilt, disappointment. But also, let in new feelings, new wants--build dreams and fantasies about what you want to happen now and in the future and focus on that future. Hang in there.

So the issue that I'm starting to find with the ftm T voice is that while it's deeper and gets read male, it's also kind of distinctive. Maybe I'm listening to too many ftm podcasts/videos but I've read research about the effects of T on the ftm singing voice referring to its "unique vocal timbre." Here's another quote: "The fundamental frequency of the speaking voice will often drop to within the cisgender male speaking range, but the voices of recipients of testosterone therapy are often slightly less deep or leaner than the average cis male voice as a result." Like most other aspects of physical transition, the vocal change is similar to men's but not the same. So before you decide to go on T for a deeper voice, don't listen to a bunch of recordings of men speaking; rather, listen to a bunch of recordings of transmen and decide if that's what you want to sound like.

Here's another way of thinking about it: some therapists describe the term "trans" as a type of coping mechanism when someone has gender dysphoria/distress around their biological sex. There are multiple ways to cope with dysphoria--transitioning is just one of them.

Now, you clearly have distress, since you describe yourself as having a "shitty body." But if you think of trans as simply choosing to deal with this distress by identifying as the opposite sex, maybe you're really asking us not "am I trans?" but "should I identify as the opposite sex? Is this the best way of dealing with my pain?" That is such an important question, and I honestly do not think anyone online can give you a good answer to it. You are unique, your circumstances are unique. Please, if you have family you can talk to, tell them that you are really struggling with some important personal questions and need help finding a good, professional therapist, someone who can help you get to know yourself better. Therapists who will listen and don't just instantly affirm are out there.