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The user provides a highly specific, consistent, and nuanced personal narrative about detransitioning after nearly 9 years on testosterone, managing osteoporosis, and navigating social changes. The writing style is conversational, emotionally varied (showing fear, reluctance, humor, and peace), and includes personal reflections that are complex and human-like. The account also shows a clear, long-term engagement with the community's topics.
About me
I was born female and started taking testosterone in my forties, mainly because living as a gender-ambiguous person in my area was difficult. After nearly nine years on T, I realized I needed to detransition to accept my body as it truly is. I stopped testosterone and, to protect my bones from osteoporosis, I started estrogen, which was surprisingly easy. I've returned to my birth name and, while I don't perform femininity, most people see me as female now. I have no regrets about my journey, as both transitioning and detransitioning were necessary steps for me to find peace.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition and detransition is deeply personal and a bit complicated. I was born female, and for a long time, I lived as a gay man. I started medically transitioning in my middle age, taking testosterone for nearly nine years. I never had any problems with T itself; it actually treated me well. The main reason I started was because, as I got older and gained a bit more weight, I began to look more feminine, and living in a pretty backward area, I faced a lot of harassment and difficulty finding work when people saw me as gender-ambiguous. I had top surgery, but I never had a hysterectomy or any bottom surgery.
I had resisted medical transition for years before finally starting T. I didn't want to deal with the medical side of things, and I also felt there was a connection between the childhood sexual abuse I survived and how much I hated my body and felt more male than female. I've always thought gender roles were nonsense, and I didn't see why I should need medical intervention to live how I wanted. Before T, I was often read as male anyway because I was very skinny with no hips or curves and very small breasts.
After nearly nine years on T, I started to question everything. It felt overwhelming at first, like even thinking about detransitioning was impossible. But I allowed myself to sit with the idea, talked to someone I trusted, wrote about it, and pretty quickly felt a strong sense that detransitioning was right for me. I stopped T cold turkey about 16 months ago. I have osteoporosis, which I was diagnosed with many years before starting T, likely from being severely underweight and over-exercising when I was younger. My doctor told me that if I stopped T, I would need to take estrogen to protect my bones, as I'm allergic to the usual osteoporosis medications.
The idea of taking estrogen made me feel sick to my stomach; I saw it as the "girly" hormone and really didn't want to do it. But I didn't want to break bones either, so after a month of thinking about it, I started on an estrogen patch. I was worried it would be horrible, but it's been remarkably easy—no drama at all. I feel calmer, though I also gave up caffeine around the same time, so that might be part of it. My skin got softer. I’ve noticed some body fat redistribution to my belly and hips, but not all to my thighs like I’d read might happen. I'm just trying to accept my post-menopausal female body.
I decided to return to my birth name, which I hadn't used for many years, even before T. I don't "identify" as a woman; I just am one. I have no interest in performing femininity—I dress the same as always, in comfortable, bright-colored clothes that people often read as "effeminate gay male." I’ve made peace with the fact that I might be read as male for the rest of my life, or that people might be confused and think I'm a trans woman. But surprisingly, 16 months off T, most people seem to read me as female now. Some people I run into don't even recognize me at first, which is strange.
Navigating social stuff has been weird, especially with COVID lockdowns. I told a few close friends first and then gradually others. I’ve been lucky; most have been kind. One friend even said "Congratulations" when I told him. I was very involved in the gay male community for years, and I think many see my detransition similarly to how they see transition—they’re not too phased. There will always be a few difficult people, but that's life.
The core of my decision to detransition is about accepting the reality that I am a woman. It’s not about preferring womanhood; it’s about grounding myself in what is true. This has given me a sense of peace, even though it doesn’t make my external life easier. I want to help create a world where women can look and act however they want without having to fit into a box.
I don’t regret my time on T; it made my life easier at the time by allowing me to be read consistently as male. But I also don’t regret detransitioning. It feels right for me now. I’m the same person I always was—the hormones and name changed, but I’m still me.
Here’s a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| ~40s | Diagnosed with osteoporosis many years before starting testosterone. |
| ~40s | Started testosterone (T) after years of resisting medical transition. Lived as a gay man. |
| ~40s | Had top surgery (mastectomy). No hysterectomy or bottom surgery. |
| ~50s | After nearly 9 years on T, began questioning my transition and decided to detransition. |
| ~50s | Stopped T cold turkey and started estrogen patches due to osteoporosis. |
| ~50s | Returned to using my birth name. |
| ~50s | 16 months off T; most people now read me as female. |
Top Comments by /u/Luckyme58:
No doubt you mean well, but your statement ' what I knew about DetransIS from her post history and private chats...' alarms me. Please do not post information ever about anyone, that you have learnt from private chats, unless they have given their explicit permission for you to do so, which does not appear to be the case here, given that you do not state that.
Unless you do have her permission to share information you know about her from private chats please delete your post
Thank-you so much for your courage in telling your story. The abuse you have endured is terrible but not 'unbelievable'. I believe you; no doubt many others do also.
I will be forever grateful to you for your kindness to me when I came here a few months ago, clueless about reddit, (this is the first and still the only reddit I have posted on), and a few months into detransitioning without having had any contact with another detranstioner, and also very isolated due to covid lockdown.
Please be very kind to you right now; you are clearly an amazing woman who will no doubt continue to do great work in the world, but for now look after you: you so deserve it.
Lots of hugs
Hugs to you in NYC.
'it has been hard to do a sanity check'
The fact that you realize this is testimony to a degree of mental health, even if you feel overwhelmed. Folks I know in NYC are overwhelmed, and they arent dealing with gender issues. Isolation and chaos makes everything harder: its great that you are reaching out here.
When I first considered de-transitioning it seemed too difficult to even allow myself to think about it. In retrospect, that may actually have been the hardest part: the beginning of thinking about it.
One of the things that has helped me has been making a decision to be kind to myself (I forget, then I remember I made that decision: getting easier to remember and act on). Also, focusing on the fact that the core of who i am as a person is in a sense unaffected by what labels I or society have given me, or continue to give me. (I don't know if that makes sense- hard to explain.)
It's hard to be in the space of not knowing, especially when you are isolated, but if you can give yourself credit for doing the best you can, and not push yourself to have make any decisions right now, things will likely become clearer.
Given what you wrote about being 'on the verge of a crisis' I reckon anything you can do that gives you comfort and connection (safely) might help. When we are isolated everything tends to feel worse, and more difficult. Time out from one's mind is crucial: comedy clips, hobby, etc- yeah I know its hard when your mind is telling you 'but I have to figure this out now', but I find it really helps to just make myself do something fun or silly, and consciously give myself time out from figuring anything out.
Sorry that I don't have much insight. For me de-transitioning (after 9 years on T, and years prior being read as male), has been the right decision: even though there are difficult aspects, I feel at peace with myself which is priceless. And its getting easier.
Your path is yours to choose, you'll figure it out: know that however alone you feel right now, this wont be forever. One great thing about NYC (lived there for years) is that there are lots of people who think outside of the box (in general-not just re gender). You'll find friends who love you for who you are regardless of whether you remain FTM or de-transition.
You have not taken advantage of your friends' kindness at all. Part of life is making decisions, requesting support around those decisions, and then changing your mind: its ok, you have not done anything wrong. Please try and be kind to yourself; it will make the process so much easier if you can. Its common for child sexual abuse survivors (myself included) to feel bad about things we have no reason to feel bad about; but it is possible to start to recognize when we are doing that, and choose to be kind to ourselves instead.
I only started de-transitioning a few months ago, but so far I've been going ok with telling people. I started with a couple of people that I knew would be kind about it, have gradually told more. One of those I first told, when I voiced my concern about how people would react, said 'It's your body, and your life; you get to choose who you want to tell, when, and how much you tell them': it was good advice.
I am read as male 100% of the time; that may not change much given I was on T 9 years and am older. Nevertheless I have returned to my former name. Lockdown means I have seen less people than I normally would. I've been joking that if life ever returns to semi-normal, and I return to places such as gay bars that I know lots of people in, I will make a card to show people I'm not close to that states 'I have de-transitioned, returned to using name.... If you have any questions regarding de-transition google is your friend'.
Given what you wrote about your friends' kindness in the past, I'm guessing they will likely continue to be kind when you tell them about changing your mind. Good luck
I was on T for nearly 9 years, been off now for 16 months, been on estrogen patch since stopping T, even though I never had hysto, because I have osteoporosis (and allergic to osteo meds).
It's actually been easier overall than I expected - when I first contemplated it, it seemed so overwhelming. I also didn't know if I would ever be read as female, as people very rarely guessed I wasn't born male.
But 16 months later, it seems most people now do read me as female. I'm fit and healthy. I'm more than twice your age, - old enough to be past menopause age now, so no return of period.
I've gotten better at dealing with peoples' reactions and confusion, and realizing that I really don't have to explain why I decided to de-transition has helped alot. (I can't seem to explain why even when I want to!)
Because of not going out for ages due to COVID, there's still people I'm running into now that I haven't told. Some people don't recognize me at first, which is weird- i don't think I look that different, but guess I must. The other night I told a gay male friend who said "Congratulations", which was really nice. (He's not a transphobe at all - guessing he would say congrats to someone who transitioned as well). I was very involved with gay male community for a very long time, (passed as male prior to T), so its all a bit weird, but I think a lot of them, even though I was an activist re trans stuff, so lots knew I was trans, just view my de-transition as similar to men who transition to female - i.e. they're not particularly phased by it. There's a small minority of fuckwits, but that's life.
Good luck, follow your heart, it will all be ok, whatever you decide. :)
Thank-you for articulating that so well. Personally I think that the more of us who are perceived by others as 'non-binary' who can stand up and say, no I'm a woman (or a man) who chooses to look, dress, act etc like this, and why shouldn't I? the better! Young people in particular need to see examples of people who don't fit gender boxes.
What an amazing post! You sound very wise. Maybe you could consider submitting your writing to magazines/other media, or even just as letters to editor. You could do this using a pseudonym if you want to stay anonymous. I'm guessing other young people could benefit from reading this, and you are clearly a good writer.
One of the things that has helped me throughout my life, was the realization I had a long time ago that as you stated, 'firstly, i am a human. Like we all are.' Remembering this brings me peace.
Good on you for getting clarity whilst young: here's to a wonderful life for you!
I was on T for 9 years- wasn't sure whether to respond - as its not as long as you; but in case its of any use to you, wanted to let you know, that I am doing well at 5 months off it.
I only had chest surgery, but had to go on estrogen when I stopped T as I have osteoporosis, (and am older, and allergic to the osteo medicines), which I was reluctant to do: but its been fine.
I decided a few weeks ago, after contemplating for a while, to return to my prior name (which I had not used for many years before starting T; i had passed as male without T for a long time prior). I've made my peace with the fact that I may well be read as male for the rest of my life: I have zero interest in performing femininity (I also did not perform masculinity), I dress in the same way I always have.
Covid restrictions mean I have had far less contact with people than I normally would; so have only told people I'm close to, and some acquaintances that I have run into on the street; so far so good. If the bars ever open again I expect I may encounter some weirdness in the gay bars and organization where I have had a strong sense of community for years.
I am really happy I made these decisions, and its been easier than I expected, although it still all feels somewhat strange: realizing that I am a post-menopausal straight woman feels bizarre, given I have spent so much of my life in gay male community, and also until the last few years was routinely perceived as decades younger than I was (now people just guess me about 15 years younger than I am lol).
I'm keeping my focus more on the joy of self-discovery, than the problems and pain: sure there is some of that too, but what a gift to be starting to make peace with my body.
I wish you all the best with whatever you decide. Hugs (cos many of us aren't getting any or enough right now)
Thank-you for your clarity. Loved, 'not utilizing gender as an ideology. So, you could say I have "reidentified" as a woman but in a lot of ways it just feels like I have recognized what has been true all along--that I just am a woman.' I feel similarly.
Have been trying to explain to people that I don't 'identify' as a woman: I just am one. (Although after many years on T and nearly a year off it I don't much look like what people expect a woman to look like!) Haven't been on here for a bit: appreciate reading your post and being reminded that I am not alone.
Thanks for posting: that all makes alot of sense. Wondered reading your post whether you might be able to find some friendship from older lesbians either online or in real life, (depending on where you live and what the covid situation is like): but maybe bookclub, bushwalking? I'm detrans, older, not lesbian, but i have a couple of friends who are older lesbians who have been supportive of me detransitioning. Of course ideally you will end up making friends your own age also, but it might be an easier place to start.
Also, if you are into any type of creative activity, that can be a great way to connect with people- seems sometimes people who are really into their creative pursuits are less concerned with identity politics (realise that's not always the case).
I'm still navigating my way through which of my connections will survive me detransitioning (been weird cos of covid and lockdown changing everything also, and the isolation of that), but I'm lucky that some of my friendships definitely have survived: I wasn't really connected to trans community at all, and hadn't been for years before I detransitioned so that made it easier.
Once you make even one or two casual friends who accept you for who you are life will probably feel much better. Keep trying - there really is life outside the trans bubble: you'll find friends and a partner eventually.
Hugs: you are not alone.