Sorry OP, you were sold a lie. A delusion.

I hope you can make peace with your body and accept your birth sex, then live without the bullshit of passing, etc.

If you don't mind saying, why did you want to present as a woman?
What did you hope to achieve by transitioning?

You can detransition.

Consider getting the neovagina removed. For health reasons. Getting infections deep in your body is very dangerous and really wears down your immune system. You could get it converted to zero depth, or just go null.

You would still benefit from testosterone, and you could live as the homosexual man you are.

People are very compassionate. If you started dating homosexual men, and tell them, straight up, that you transitioned and had your penis removed, I think you would find plenty of men who would date you.

Testosterone will make you smell and sound right to homosexual men.
I'm sure you would be a very pretty man, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Find a good naturopath to sort out a good diet and supplements for you. Your body and mind needs help to recover from these surgeries and infections.

The internet is here, maybe you could do a bit of a survey of homosexual men, to see if they would date or be friends with some one who has had his genitals removed?

You can find a life OP. But you need to stop hunting straight men, and accept yourself as a homosexual man.

Can you find a therapist, not a gender affirming one, to help you work out why homosexual men are not attractive to you?

No one is actually trans. Some people have a mental illness called Gender Identity Disorder. If they use hormones and surgery to change their bodies, they are called trans.

Children usually grow out of it by their late teens, early twenties, and accept their birth sex.

You sound very aware of your issues, and that's great. Admiring your father and wanting to be like him doesn't make you trans, or male.

Having male friends doesn't make you trans or male.

Feeling like you have a male body inside, does not mean you will benefit from hormones and surgery.

Maybe you would benefit from seeing a trauma therapist, to find the cause of not recognising yourself.

But, it sounds to me as though, you make friends, enjoy life, and are able to achieve. So, you don't need to worry about trams stuff, just enjoy life.

Being trans would just overwhelm your life and make things harder for you.

Women's sex based rights are enshrined in law, to protect women and children from men acting out their sexual fantasies and attacking them.

Women fought for these rights.

I suggest you lobby for having trangener facilitirs made, instead of invading women's.

It's quite horrible that you don't care about women's safety. You even acknowledge that many MtF transition for sexual reasons. Why should mentally ill or hyper horny blokes be allowed in women's facilities?

This is rape culture. Trans rape culture.

If you were actually a women, you would not want women and children put at risk, you would respect their protections.

You have sex based facilities available to you, the men's.

Why are you still taking female hormones?

I think its dishonest to be dating women and taking female hormones.

I'd be interested in you could sort of walk me through your thinking on this one. I'm just sitting here, frowning, trying to figure the logic of this.

I know some women are attracted to feminine men.

Maybe these women want children? So an orchid would be a deal breaker.

I think that's reasonable.

Maybe you should look for women who don't want children?

If you want a relationship, being honest up front is important. You can't base a relationship on a lie.

You'll get there.

You were vulnerable, suffering mental health issues, and were lied to, by professionals that told you transition would male you female and happy.

You made, what you thought was the best decision at the time.

When it comes to children, there are plenty of single parents, looking for partners.

What might help you is a trauma therapist, to help you sort through your issues, and get you mentally well enough to be a good partner and parent.

If you decide to have a go at detransition, I think testosterone might really help you with depression and, it's better for your male body.

And some women will accept a guy without genitals. I'm sure some men will too.

Living stealth must be really mentally taxing.

It's your mental health that's the biggest barrier to a relationship and children.

So, that should be your biggest focus.

Sorry, this is how it's posted in Gender Critical, so, thanks to them.

This may be paywalled (it works for me) so I'll include the text below.

The first time Tracey was a lesbian, it didn’t last long. She’d left a small New Zealand town for the adventure of university and came out as lesbian. But she hesitated about how to tell her parents.

“I went and saw the queer support group — and they supported me to find my trans identity,” she recalls. “It was quite a rapid shift.”

She was 18, a bit older than most other teenage girls going transgender in a wave across affluent and anxious counties. Tracey was serious about trans; it took up more than three years of her life.

She ran youth groups for queer school kids and settled into the rhythms of her own identity group on campus, meeting twice a week and sharing lunch. “We became friends in a whole new subculture. The closed-off trans community perpetuates a real feeling of difference. I would look at other young women around campus and think: ‘They’re wearing makeup or they look comfortable — and I don’t feel like that.’ ”

From the dial-up internet of her home town she graduated to trans broadband, following multimedia stars such as YouTuber Ash Hardell, who looks a bit like Tintin and runs through a cartoonish Q&A about her double mastectomy — “My Insto was flooded with folk who were confident that they knew my breasts, for sure, most definitely, would grow back.”

Identity under the knife

Identity goes under the knife online and wakes up with the right pronouns and rainbow emoticons. “On social media you can really curate what your identity is,” Tracey says. “I guess a lot of this comes down to your precious gender identity — this special property that you’ve got.”

She had been unsure about the value of having a female body since the age of 13. “I felt really uncomfortable in my body and uncomfortable with the expectations that are put on teenage girls, like I wasn’t good at what you’re supposed to be good at, to be a young woman. I didn’t really feel feminine.

“I had pretty classic anorexia for most of my teens. When I saw the queer support people they were, like: ‘The reason you’ve got this anorexia is because you’re uncomfortable with your body — because you’re not a woman’.”

Seemingly conservative, her parents couldn’t see the liberating appeal of trans. “They said, ‘Why would you say you’re not a woman? Wouldn’t it be better to defy all the expectations that are put on women, accept you’re a woman and be a good role model?’

“I remember going back to the queer group and saying, ‘Can you believe they said something so transphobic to me?’ ”

But she began flirting with her own thought crime. She took a risk, in private with a fellow queer group member she judged a friend. “I said, ‘I think it’s OK for women to be only into other women’, which you’d think in a tolerant inclusive community would be an OK thing to say.”

Except it wasn’t. “The backlash was so strong. I was likened to being a racist. It was such a transphobic thought that a female could only be into another female.” Yet her friend wouldn’t have batted an eyelid to see Tracey involved with another woman because, so the theory went, Tracey was actually a young man.

“I started questioning, just privately, the stereotypes. In the LGBTQ community we were kind of equating women with femininity.”

It seemed strange these two things were “tied together quite tightly”, given all the talk about fluidity. There were other doubts. She watched at one youth group as a 15-year-old boy announced to cheers and applause that he’d got his first cross-sex hormones. Others in the room would get the message.

“I was kind of wary. You don’t always teach people stuff by saying it expressly, do you?”

She recalls sharing a worry with a close friend in a queer group. “We could see concerns with telling young trans kids they were born in the wrong body. We thought it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe setting them up to go down a medical path. And you know how often they say these kids are so suicidal? We didn’t think that was healthy.”

Whispering campaign

Word started going around the queer group about her illicit sympathy for women content with women and only women; and the word was transphobic.

“It was kind of a wake up — hang on, this isn’t what I signed up for.”

Questions and doubts came in a tumble. “It was very rapid, which was kind of scary because I felt like everything unravelled really quickly, and I think that’s somewhat common. I became really aware that I was going to lose all my friends, lose my whole community as soon as I said I was not trans. I moved cities before I told anyone.”

Ostracism and threats followed her online. Someone wanted her arms broken, she was warned she’d never be allowed to keep a job, not even in a cafe, and a woman unsettled her with a promise “to shout in my face” when they met on the main street. It was harassment at her gym from an obsessive 40-something man, who identified as a woman, that sent her to the police.

For Tracey, “detransitioning” was pretty straightforward. She had changed her appearance, her look, but not her body. Anorexia had often put her in hospital and her low body weight meant even gung-ho doctors were unlikely to approve hormones for her.

She knows young women in New Zealand who’ve undergone medical detransition; it seemed harder for them to prove they were “sane enough” to come off testosterone than it had been to begin.

Having survived both, she suspects anorexia and trans are not that different. “A lot of young women do express their hate and their discomfort for their bodies and their gender and their role in society through altering the body in shocking ways.”

Now 23, she accepts her female sex and, much as her parents suggested, tries to loosen the social knot that ties womanhood to narrow expectations. She works in construction, blissfully free from gender politics, and thinks this kind of life “more radical” than the progressive mirage of trans. She’s a lesbian, again, and not sure what her parents make of it — “but I don’t push it in their face”.

She was a little horrified to recognise herself in last month’s story in The Weekend Australian about a girl gone trans who would abuse her mother as “a white privileged bigot, transphobic, a boring heterosexual”.

Tracey says: “My goodness, that was me. I think my parents are probably relieved that I’m not going after them that hard any more.”

Knowing your body

She feels for other teenage girls who wonder if trans will bring them the freedom denied by a constricting femininity. They should ask themselves, she suggests, what rule requires them to choose between their freedom and being a woman?

“The other thing I would advise, where possible, do an activity like rock climbing or playing a team sport, something that gets you really in touch with your body. You’re just focusing on clinging on to that rock face, so it’s good.

“Even just going camping, because you’re away from all the screens, you’re not worrying what you look like. It makes you realise all the great things that your body can do.”

There has been a glut of celebratory media since Bruce Jenner changed his name to Caitlyn in 2015 and declared “figuring out what to wear” was the hardest thing about being a woman. Maybe feminism seems dated and same-sex marriage has had its victory lap. So trans must be the next exciting social nirvana, making detransitioners look like a reactionary rump.

Their story just doesn’t fit into a narrative of courageous kids who lead the rest of us on a journey to their true, harmonious identity. The word transgender gets 47,000 hits on the ABC website. There are none at all for detransitioner or detransitioning.

When an English pop star relaunched as non-binary this month, he was high-fived with a BBC headline: “Sam Smith changes pronouns to they/them.” Meanwhile, in remote corners of the web, reports of trans regret are quietly coming in, such as this one a few days ago: “It was all a big mistake. My surgeon told me my (gender reassignment surgery) went as perfect as could be. I still despise the results … Sometimes I think about detransition but I can’t get back what I lost and I’m tired of surgeries and document changes and finding hormone balances … I will be dependent on exogenous hormones for the remainder of my life either way … I have decided to sue my surgeon for malpractice and lie by omission.”

Parents, sometimes choking with doubt, clinicians, teachers and journalists line up to “affirm” today’s new trans kids. To question the choice is branded a transphobic denial of “the trans right to exist”. But who will be there to affirm tomorrow’s detransitioners, to witness their “lived experience” of regretful rumination, sometimes damaged bodies and impaired health?

Reddit’s online detrans group has almost 5000 members. This emerging trend is ignored in the “world’s most progressive” treatment guidelines issued by Australia’s biggest gender clinic for young people at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne. Criticised for the omission, clinic director Michelle Telfer and the three colleagues who helped write the 2018 standards claim “true de-transition is uncommon”.

They assert detransition is more often the result of “outside pressures” from family, for example, or religion. Yet trans “affirmation” activists angrily reject any talk of “true” or “false” gender change, any idea that pressure from social media or peers may have something to do with the surge of teenagers swapping pronouns and demanding hormones. Why can’t stories of trans success coexist with frank debate about confusion, regret and risks, such as sterility, cardiac complaints, brittle bones, post-mastectomy haematoma or urology problems?