This story is from the comments by /u/Lurkersquid that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the extensive and highly personal narrative provided, this account appears authentic. The user, Lurkersquid, demonstrates a deep, nuanced, and internally consistent reflection on their experience with transition, detransition, dysphoria, and the surrounding social and medical landscape. There are no red flags suggesting this is a bot or a sockpuppet account.
Key indicators of authenticity include:
- Consistent Narrative: The story is detailed and consistent across hundreds of comments over two years, describing a specific journey from butch lesbian to stealth FTM to detransitioned butch woman.
- Complex Emotional Reasoning: The user expresses complex, often contradictory emotions common in detransition narratives (e.g., still wishing to be male while accepting it's impossible, bitterness toward trans influencers, guilt over past beliefs).
- Specific, Plausible Details: The account includes specific, believable details about medical processes (informed consent, therapy letters), social experiences (being stealth at work, being infantilized), and personal health effects (muscle cramps, breathing issues from binding).
- Evolution of Thought: The user's views develop organically over time, citing specific catalysts like psychedelic experiences and health scares, which is characteristic of a genuine personal journey rather than a fabricated persona.
The account reflects the passion and criticism often found in detransition spaces, which aligns with the expectation that desisters/detransitioners can be deeply critical of transition-related care and ideology.
About me
I was a tomboy from a young age and started wishing I was a boy in fifth grade so I could dress how I wanted. In high school, online communities convinced me my discomfort with being female meant I was a man, so I socially and then medically transitioned. Living as a man was isolating because I only passed as a young boy, and I became obsessed with not being "clocked." A profound psychedelic experience made me realize I was fighting my own healthy body for no reason, so I stopped hormones. I'm now a masculine woman, and my dysphoria is gone now that I've accepted myself.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started when I was really young. I was always a tomboy. In elementary school, I wanted short hair and boys' clothes, but my mom wouldn't let me. I remember wishing I was born a boy around fifth grade, mainly because it would have been easier to dress and look the way I wanted. I started identifying as a butch lesbian in middle school after realizing I liked women.
Things really shifted for me when I got to high school in 2016. I was on Tumblr a lot, in LGBT and fandom spaces. I kept seeing posts about what it meant to be a transgender man and watching trans YouTubers who made transition sound like the key to happiness for someone like me. A lot of my other nerdy, tomboy friends were also starting to identify as trans or nonbinary. I started to believe that my discomfort with being a girl—like not wanting to be feminine, not wanting to be sexualized, being terrified of men, and having a phobia of pregnancy—meant I was actually a man trapped in a female body. I socially transitioned at 14, changing my name and pronouns.
My desire to transition was rooted in wanting to be a "normal" straight guy. I didn't want to be trans; I wanted to be biologically male. I thought if I could just look like a man, all my problems would be solved. I’d be able to blend in, dress how I wanted, and love who I wanted without any backlash. At 18, I decided to medically transition. I went to a gender clinic through informed consent. The doctor thought I was a male-to-female trans person at first and asked me stereotypical questions about playing with dolls. It felt scripted, but I didn't care; I just wanted the testosterone. I got a prescription after one Zoom appointment and was on hormones within a month.
Being on testosterone wasn't the miracle I was promised. I liked some of the changes, like my voice deepening, but it didn't make me look like a man my age. I "passed" as male, but only as a 13 or 14-year-old boy, and I was 20. I was constantly infantilized—people called me "buddy" and even asked what a kid was doing in the breakroom at work. It was humiliating. I lived "stealth," meaning I didn't tell anyone I was trans because I was so ashamed of not being biologically male. This was incredibly isolating. I was paranoid about being "clocked," so I avoided getting close to coworkers, didn't date, and constantly monitored how I moved and dressed to make sure I looked male. I even avoided wearing tank tops or white shirts.
I wanted top surgery desperately because I hated binding. I found a therapist online, paid $100 for a single Zoom session, and got a approval letter for surgery. I scheduled the surgery, but thankfully, I didn't meet my insurance deductible and couldn't afford it. I was also saving up for it when I started to have doubts.
The turning point for me was when I tried psychedelic mushrooms. I experienced ego death and had a profound realization that my body is just a vessel for experiencing life. Its appearance didn't matter as long as it was healthy. The idea of having a "male brain" felt like bullshit. I realized I was fighting against my own body for no good reason. Around the same time, I had a breast cancer scare that made me confront my mortality. I decided to stop testosterone and binding.
Detransitioning was a slow process. I stopped hormones and binding first. I started wearing the clothes I had been saving for "after top surgery," and it felt freeing. I came out to my coworkers gradually; some were confused, and one even thought I was a male-to-female transitioner. My voice is permanently deeper, which sometimes causes people to misgender me, but I'm working on voice training. Letting go of the need for external validation was the biggest relief. I accept that I am a masculine woman. My dysphoria is basically gone now that I’ve stopped obsessing over it.
I have a lot of regrets. Transitioning consumed my teen years and early twenties. I put my life on hold—I didn't go to college, get a driver's license, or pursue relationships because I was waiting until I was "fully transitioned." I spent so much time, energy, and money on something that only made me more miserable and self-conscious. I regret ever taking testosterone and coming so close to getting irreversible surgery.
I now see transition as a cosmetic solution for a mental problem, similar to an eating disorder or plastic surgery addiction. It’s a way of chasing an impossible goal. I don't believe people are "innately trans." I think my dysphoria was caused by internalized misogyny, a difficult home life with a misogynistic stepdad, and the influence of online communities that sold me a false hope. I'm grateful that a psychedelic experience helped me see that true happiness comes from self-acceptance, not from changing your body to fit an ideal.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 5th Grade (approx. 10-11) | First thoughts of wishing I was born a boy to wear the clothes and have the hair I wanted. |
| Middle School (approx. 12-13) | Identified as a butch lesbian. |
| 14 | Freshman year of high school. Socially transitioned to male after being influenced by Tumblr and trans influencers. |
| 18 | Started testosterone through informed consent after a single doctor's appointment. |
| 19-20 | Lived stealth as a man at work, but was consistently perceived as a 13-16 year old boy. Felt isolated and dysphoric. |
| 20 | Tried psychedelic mushrooms, experienced ego death, and began to detransition. Stopped testosterone and binding. |
| 20-22 (Present) | Socially detransitioned. Accepted myself as a masculine woman. In a relationship and living life without the focus on transition. |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/Lurkersquid:
I have such a bitterness towards some of the biggest trans youtubers. Convinced me that if i transitioned my gender dysphoria would go away, I'd be happier, I could get a girlfriend that'd accept me, that society would see me as a regular man. They don't speak about the horrors of srs and if they do they brush it off "yeah they fucked up my phalloplasty and I have a fistula, my first graft developed necrosis so another spot had to be selected, I have arm hair growing on my shaft, I can't empty my bladder properly, the pump in my fake balls stopped working, I have little sensation, and they're currently taking a graft from the inside of my cheek to build a urethra that may or may not fail, and I have no idea how any of this will age down the line but i have zero regrets and my audience of 13 year old girls should strive for this too"
Yeah it's called SEXuality not genderidentityuality. People can exclude whoever and whatever from sexuality am I some form of phobic for not wanting to date people without a job? not wanting to date people vastly older than me? are gay men misogynists for not wanting to date women? lol
I always wondered what would happen if they got a swift kick to the dick or got into a minor accident with it. Natural dicks can survive all kinds of cbt horrors but I imagine srs is pretty fragile. I also wonder what happens if you had successful phalloplasty in your 20s just how it will age once you're in your 50s or older. Do ftms even plan that long? I assumed I'd die at a younger age due to constantly fucking around with my endocrine system but at the time I would've rather died as a man than live as a woman but "it's not a mental illness" 🤦
Gender clinics don't give a shit about their patients just money. I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria after a single short zoom meeting and prescribed testosterone despite the doctor being completely aware that I lived with unsupportive parents. I actually emailed them about my detransition a few weeks ago and never got a response and I doubt I ever will
Yeah worst I've seen have been ftms complaining on social media about gay men not wanting to sleep with them. The "get over your genital preference" thing is so creepy. That's literally just rebranded conversion therapy usually said by people who were straight prior to transitioning. Same homophobic bullshit
This is the exact reason transitioning didn't cure my dysphoria. Having people thinking you're male and actually being male are two separate things. People often thought I was a 13 year old boy but that didn't change my age so why is that any different from people mistaking you for male? Living "stealth" is so stressful and not worth it. After detransitioning I deal with misgendering but it's way better to just exist as myself and not worry about the opinions of others than it is to rely on the validation of others to feel secure in a false identity.
Yeah I remember having "true trans" beliefs and thinking that nonbinary identities were bullshit since "they're just victims of misogyny and are just trying to put other women in a box so they can live outside it but I'm legit since I want to be biologically male" turns out women that just change their pronouns to "they/them" and dye their hair is miles less unhinged than being a delusional butch women injecting synthetic hormones in order to skinwalk the opposite sex......oops
I feel a pit in my stomach any time I "clock" a trans person. I feel bad because everybody's human and I wouldn't have wanted people to feel that way about me when I was trans but it just reminds me of a horrible mistake I made and I disagree with most trans ideology. There's a cashier I see everytime I go to Kroger that "triggers" me quite a bit because they have the stereotypical ftm voice, looks like a woman with PCOS, and wears a vest full of pride pins and I'm reminded of my visits to the gender clinic.
It's funny how much trans people turn on their own and that some consider wanting to be stealth or even "pass" as female is now bigoted in some way. They bought so much into the ideology that a woman or man is a meaningless label anybody can use so attempting to look male or female is now "problematic" holy shit lol. Honestly prefer it that way because then maybe the community will begin to shun surgeries and hormones as "assimilationist" and not pursue them. One can dream
It's a worrying trend considering inducing hormone imbalances is unhealthy no matter what tras want people to believe. My mom also had pointed out to me while transitioning that I was alienating myself by transitioning since lesbians into butches are still attracted to women and usually aren't into deep voices, facial hair, flat chests, etc and most straight women won't even consider dating ftms