One day, I just decided to love that part of myself too. To love the fact that I was born female, and that I was "still" female despite hormone treatment, and surgeries i.e. my chromosomes that I can't change, or facts that I can't change. It started from just becoming okay with having feminine aspects, or to be seen as having feminine aspects. I was like, w/e/ if some one sees me that way, or if I act feminine or something that I do comes off as feminine. I was like, w/e.Like the fact that I prefer to sit and pee because of how much more comfortable and clean it is and I was like, w/e/ if I do that in the males bathroom and someone sees and questions me. When just minutes before, I was always stressing and endlessly worrying about that fact and hated that about myself. The fear and hate towards myself just dissapeared as if it never existed in the first place. It was very weird.

I slowly began to stop caring what other people thought or may think of me or how they may perceive me. Just the decision to love my female aspect no matter what (no reason, or whys), instantly gave me a rush of peace and happiness that I longed for, and never got from trying so hard to cover it up and suppress it. Running from it, trying to cover it up, trying to ignore the fact, or forget it never worked and it just created endless internal self criticisms, hate, etc in my thought process and it was hell.

Then I began to slowly uncover the underlying reason why I thought my female parts were disgusting and ugly to me. Why it made me feel weak and worthless. And came the realization that I was sexually violated and abused age 4-8 and had unknowingly associated the disgusting acts done to me with my own body, body parts, and gender.

Also the fact that my therapist kept saying "you were born in the wrong body" didn't help at all in integrating myself, and rather labeled a part of who I am as "wrong" which only exacerbated most of my problems towards my own body and aspects of myself.

Easier said than done, but simply put, Acceptance.Acceptance of self and what you are given at birth.

This, This was the start of me being at peace and happiness with my female self. Nothing else did it. Not even transitioning and becoming a man.Trying to get away from what "is", trying to ignore it, push it away, etc..... that was what caused my constant mental anguish, of self hate.

Once I began accepting myself, one by one, like going through a mental list of things I hated about myself, and deciding without any reason or rational explanation, to flip it on its head, and deciding to accept it, to be okay with it, to love it. That was my breakthrough point. The moment I felt the immense peace, and happiness that I so longed for.

To irrationally choose to love what is part of you.

*added*Funny thing is that I'm having to do it AGAIN, but this time with permanent changes, and honestly, it was so much easier the first time. Its much more difficult for me this time around, but I do the same thing.If it helps, write down things you hate about your body, and right next to it, write the opposite, that you love it, and adore it, and care for it, say it out loud.

This is a matter of decision. Nothing outside matters. Its how you choose to feel about yourself despite what anyone, anything may says or think.

First time I did this, alone, in my studio apartment, I felt like I was on the top of the world, so much so that I was in complete bliss. It felt like it was the first time I stepped out side of my head (with only negative thoughts about myself) and I could finally see. Those negative thoughts that were constantly nagging me, beating me up, STOPPED. And never returned since then. I'll never forget that feeling.

The fact is, and I must say this straight for your own sake is, that the longer you wait to tell them what you really think, the longer you hurt yourself, or the more difficult things become. The most important thing is to take care of yourself rather than trying to appease what other people may think.

Think about who and what you are sacrificing by not telling them and or faking a blood test.And ask yourself, is it worth it?

I wish I had the resources you have and been able to be aware of any doubts, thoughts, or feelings, that I may have during a similar time and been informed enough to a point of being able to vocalize them if I needed to. Now I'm filled with resentment with what had happened to me, and the things that I went through and continue to go through. If I had another chance to go through it again, I wouldn't wait a second to say what I think.

There are probably times where people think I'm flat chested, but I'm sure, the question whether I have boobs at all or not like, "hmm... I wonder if that person has the chest of a male" most likely never passes their mind, like, its not something people go around thinking. lol. And, even if they did, so what?
Though my chest bothers me when I look at em bare in the mirror, like my bare body still looks male wishing that my body looked more female. Whether I have boobs or not doesn't determine how comfortable I am with myself.
I most likely won't be wearing any kind of breast forms just because of how uncomfortable they are, and I'm not about to put myself in that kind of discomfort for the sake of strangers opinions.Other people who's focus is on other peoples boob size can F* off and be oogly eyed at people who have boobs. Do what you want. I don't care about them enough to give a f*.

Though having breasts is a major physical aspect of being female, or being feminine. I'm counting on it not being the important part of what makes me female if that makes sense, and I hope to strengthen those aspects of my female self. i.e. Questioning what are the real important qualities to have as a female, rather than superficial things. This is difficult, but I'm determined. And I hope to meet and mingle with people who value the same things and have understanding rather than try to please someone that doesn't understand with something I don't have anymore no matter how much I may wish it to be otherwise.

Lastly, I think about females who have had to have a breast, or breasts removed due to cancer, or an illness, accidents or maybe lopsided breasts due to child rearing etc. Even having breasts too big is a concern people have and go through. So, just thinking about it, that even among the "regular" population, various breasts sizes, or lack of, is more common than we think, eases my mind.

"How was I supposed to know at 14 (when I transitioned) that being transwould be so hard? Everyone online/in the trans community made it seemlike a question of choosing whether to be a guy or a girl. "

I feel the same way here. I didn't have a "trans community" or had I even been involved in an online one, but who was it that made it seem easy and that it would wash away all my problems when "corrected", i.e. "become a 'real' boy" as she put it? Who was it that made a statement/a definitive diagnosis that my body was the source of my problems?The person I trusted the most at that time, my very own therapist.

Its natural to not have known. I had no clue either. All I knew was that I was suffering immensely, and I didn't really know why and that my body (parts) and associated gender was an immense source of my pain. And that I would do anything to be free of said pain. It wasn't your job to know, so of course you didn't know. This isn't your fault.Its the job of the psychologists/therapists/counselors to find out the cause and help people navigate through it.Likewise, its our job to want to get better, to believe/know that we can, and to co-operate in healing ourselves.

In your case as well as mine, the therapist should have made sure that we completely understood what "transitioning" entailed and educate us on all the possible difficulties before, we were able to agree on permanent life altering solutions IF, and a BIG IF, that was the true issue. *Though I gotta be honest, I think there's always a underlying cause that could be healed without altering gender as it was in my case* And even then, provide aftercare. That's their job.But most importantly, they are in the position they're in to get to the bottom of why we feel the way we do, to psycho-analyze us, if its a perception thing, a belief thing, trauma thing, biological thing w/e. i.e. If the source of the problem lies somewhere else entirely other than "being the opposite gender" so they could determine the correct diagnosis, and thus provide correct treatment.

And if they didn't?? I don't think we can truly say that we've given informed consent. We couldn't have. Both with our age, and also, perhaps the state we were in, and the information that was given to us which was biased and minimal in my case.

In the EU, there's a law now that protects minors (below age 16) saying that they are unable to give informed consent to start puberty blockers.

Pshh, I was 17 and still couldn't have given informed consent.

I truly hope that there are psychologists out there who have a true discerning eye and correct judgement because there are not enough of them.
Anywhere anyone here may be, I truly hope, that you meet one of these individuals.

Crazy to think that things now go that fast. I was in therapy for at least 6 months before starting T. And 1-2 years until I got bottom surgery. And even then, the therapist never asked the vital questions that should have been asked in the very beginning, or at the least during our many sessions to correctly diagnose what was "wrong" with me which could have prevented years, life long, mental/psychological/physical anguish, and prevented transitioning in the first place. You need to get a proper therapist that doesn't see you through the filter of transgender, or gender. And as a "normal" person who is in pain or suffering due to body or gender. Because for me, I wasn't trans, but I had a slew of traumatic experiences that manifested as body/gender dysphoria etc. Problem was, my therapist at the time saw me through the lens of "transgender" as soon as I stepped through the door, and couldn't think of me otherwise and THAT was the problem. Her diagnosis was wrong.

(Sorry for the terrible format. Don't know how to use reddit. Clearly went over the 1000 word limit so I just continued by "reply" and it further messed up the format. )
*edit: Fixed formatting a little bit.

I can relate to Droplet96, and also femspace.I'd rather not get too into detail of my own experience because of how convoluted, complex and long it is though I could write it in as much detail as possible since I've analyzed the hell out of it, but since the important parts seem similar to what Droplet96 had already written (thanks Droplet96 ;) ) so I won't repeat it and I'd much rather not stay in this head space longer than I need since its already excruciating as it is. Anyway, this is what happened to me (will still be long):

Since a young age I had severe disgust, shame, and humiliation towards my female body or sometimes being a "girl" in general, being treated as a girl, or seen as someone who is expected to like pink, ribbon, frilly things (i.e. all the birthday presents I got as a kid). I liked, black leather motorcycle jackets hah (age 7-9. still do ;) ). Or the fact that I wasn't allowed to do certain things (i.e. sports, karate etc...) because it wasn't what a girl should be doing according to my mom's perceptions at the time. My mother had her own trauma and extremist upbringing to blame. I love my mother, just wished eeeverything was resolved before things got to this point.It didn't bother me as much in my early teens since, you can't really differentiate whether a kid is a boy or a girl at that age. They can look similar. I was mistaken as a boy even with long straight hair. Pretty sure the opposite happens to boys as well, being mistaken for a girl for being so pretty. That, and bodies don't really matter when your a kid. But that changed when puberty started. The disgust, shame, humiliation, all those things that I felt towards my body, myself became magnified, and it all came out as intense anger and depression. I was suicidal. I had no idea why. And it didn't help that I was attracted to girls, and also confused about how I felt about boys or rather, how I should be feeling towards them.Anyway, fast forward to around age 15, I came across a "teen people" magazine when I was in a local rite aid (drug store). The front page had a picture of a teenage boy and the title said something along the lines of a girl becoming a boy, transgender. Can't remember exactly. This was around year 2005. I began reading the magazine right then and there, and I couldn't believe what I was reading because of the experiences that the "boy" had in the magazines, were the same feelings or experiences that I was having myself. The intense disgust or feelings, reactions towards ones [female] body parts and thus gender.It was then when i thought, could this be it? Could this explain why I'm feeling this way? It would explain a lot. Am I transgender?

At around 16, one day, I felt I couldn't do it [continue living like this] anymore, and I broke down crying to my parents in the middle of the night and told them I needed help. One of the first places we went to was family counseling. At the time, family relations were very rocky and my dad and I would constantly be butting heads which would always escalate to yelling and screaming at each other, which eventually led to me getting a panic attack/triggered PTSD and I would explode. I say, at the time, because things are much better now. But my dad's never been one to be good with emotion, or dealing with difficult things, especially discussions. He's had issues with anger management. And for this reason along with others I won't get into, I think I didn't have a positive association of the male image.By age 17, I had become so disgusted and ashamed of my female body, that I began binding my chest with a cloth bandage, and had unofficially changed my name to a boy's name. I couldn't stand my name because of all the associated history that came with it, like it reminded me of all the pain and suffering every time I heard someone say it.Anyway, the family counselor didn't help at all. She was very superficial with her treatment, just telling me to vent my anger out by punching a punching bad, and while doing so, imagining someone I hate or w/e. Quite dangerous to suggest someone to do. Not only that, a bit koo-koo herself. She apparently kept saying that she was going to have some kind of relationship with Tom Cruise, and that she saw that in her future. I only know this because my mom told me she told her?? And she's suppose to be the one with a doctorate. Ugh. I highly doubt she got anywhere near Tom Cruise all these years.Anyway, because of her suggestion to let all the anger out, you can only imagine what it did to my PTSD outbursts. My anger just kept getting stronger and stronger.By mid (age)17, the family therapist had to move back to her home country and my parents also felt she wasn't helping at all so we changed therapists.Aaaaand that's when we landed on a Gender therapist.On the first day of meeting her, and just a few questions asked like the typical "since when did you think you were a boy", or "since when did you feel something was wrong?", she diagnosed me as having gender dysphoria, and being transgender.

I think its kinda true, i.e. the blood rushes there which help the body heal or regrow what is lost from the initial irritation it causes (redness).
And if that's the case, I'd cool it down as fast as possible after plucking. e.x. a damp towel or ice.
But a damaged hair follicle is a damaged hair follicle. Won't be able to grow the same thickness as it used to, and will take years if not never to grow as it used to. Kinda like laser hair removal where they destroy the hair follicle so hair can no longer grow from it.

I think plucking is a very slow method compared to laser hair removal but the core remains the same. It damages hair follicles. One just has an absolute success rate compared to the other which will not destroy the hair follicle in an absolute way.

She NEVER talked about trauma or past experiences... Just "Everything will be alright when you become your true self; a boy", "your a handsome man don't worry yourself, there's nothing to be anxious about", "It's normal to feel that way (anxious, depressed, disgusted etc.) because you're in the wrong body"I can go on an on about the things she kept telling me, the "affirming" approach. What I needed was REAL psycho-analysis, and counseling.

*also wanted to add:The sad and difficult reality that I've had to face is that, the pores that housed the thickened hair, remain relatively larger, so even if I don't have thick hair there anymore, it looks like I had a mustache if you look close enough. Make up could cover this, but still. It hits like a brick wall.

There is a minor solution to this tho. There are machines that use high frequency electricity that are known to help with acne, and also tighten pores. There are plenty on the market now, I happened to have a old Japanese one called the Comet model P-32DX. There are plenty "fake" ones out there. They really look like a Tesla coil but in a wand like glass tube lol. Some of em now look like a glass lens on the end of a handle.like thisSo I'll be using that to tighten those pores. But I know there are limits. :/Ain't givin' up tho!

*Edit*
When I mean "if you look close enough" I mean, inches away from my face or by using a x10 mirror or something. Relatively unnoticeable a few feet away.