If it helps you with your dysphoria to accept yourself as an autogynephile that's fine, but I feel it's worth noting that AGP is not so abnormal. Gender theory posits that anything AGP related is an indicator that you are trans, traditionalist conservatives believe it means you are a pervert, but the reality is you are just a normal person who likes to feel feminine during sex/masturbation.

Also, things like painting nails, etc etc do not necessarily even imply femaleness.

Never socially transitioned, but...

I just realized that E actually made me feel worse, didn't make me feel more feminine, was making me fat and had negative long term health consequences, and I realized a haircut and eyebrow threading did more to my face than hormones ever could.

Oh and I realized the toxic nature of leftwing identity politics, and that I was spending 5x as much time thinking of this stuff vs thinking of my work.

So kind of like a series of eureka moments.

For MtF:

1. Are you doing this exclusively because you are living the social role of a woman actively, have been for at least a year and you want to blend in better to live a genuine life (the only time I could honestly recommend HRT)?

2. If you are doing it to feel more feminine mentally: don't count on it. Also don't buy the idea that it "feminizes your sex drive", this is either a placebo effect or a side effect of watching less porn after E, and it's mostly utter drivel.

3. If you are doing it for looks (be honest): Consider how much an improved makeup/hair/dress routine and improved health habits actually contribute to the results you see in transition timelines/before and after videos. In fact, just get a professional makeup job/get femme eyebrows/try on a wig of whatever your dream femme haircut is/shave your body/buy a feminine perfume/get some andro or femme clothes and even a corsette, and see how that makes you feel. Just keep doing that if you like it (without crazy makeup or a ultra femme wig essentially no one will call you out on it), workout hard and take good care of your skin, and in a year go back to step 1 if you've been going by she, etc. Also consider that feminizing surgeries/procedures generally don't require HRT, some like hair restoration are common among men, and many femme/pretty men who may or may not have had nose jobs exist even at older ages.

4. if you think the worst long term consequence is man boobies, read about the potential effects of HRT on increasing cortisol (mostly from Spiro), increasing some cancer risks (slightly), increasing blood sugar/triglycerides, and increasing autoimmunity and thyroid problem risks to natal female levels, and also the fact that high E/ low T for even a few months can shrink brain volume to female levels and be more difficult to recover.

This is 4 things but 1 is my most important.

The drop in estrogen without T can really suck. You get headaches/sometimes even migraines, low energy, brain fog, anxiety, susceptibility to stress. When the T comes back it all goes away, but then you get greasy skin and a bit of acne back. And maybe rebounded hair loss.

On the positive side, restoration of T will likely make you feel like you have very high mental and physical energy levels, once it comes. And you will lose weight more easily.

The books that helped me most were:

-Tao Te Ching- for affirming "feminine" energy as a valuable trait in males, like you are mentioning.

-The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle- for outlining the concept of the "inner body" vs the "pain body", or my actual feelings vs the victimization feelings I'd mentally constructed around it.

-"The Courage to be Disliked" by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, for a detailed breakdown of how people use layers of rationalization to construct a victimization narrative which enables them to avoid their inner fear of not being appreciated.

I have lost unnecessary money buying andro clothes, donating and buying men's clothes, and going back to andro. My suggestion is to just keep at least the more androgynous stuff you have, as the feeling of needing to do detransition "right" can be a kinda of obsessive influencer.

Ironically I kinda support the notion that you shouldn't have to tell someone they need dysphoria to transition. I think there is a degree of unnecessary mental self victimization everyone with dysphoria does at some point to feel valid to fit the narrative.

If you are feeling nervous before the first pill, that is a red flag. You can just wait and think it through more. Also, if you get cold feet switching off sucks, and switching on and off is terrible for you.

On another note, incarnating an inner body feeling is a poor reason to take hormones IMO. It will not make you feel too different inside, like I feel more feminine energy after a yoga class than at the end of the months I was on E. Maybe that changes further down the line, but most people who feel transition was worth it seem to be those more concerned about their outer body and how they relate to others.

That being said, their is nothing morally wrong with what you are going to do if it's right for you, just recognize that there are downsides.

Thank you for sharing.

My advice in improving your mental situation is to continue seeking help and working on your mental issues, but also to not stigmatize yourself so much for them. It is a vicious cycle when someone prone to obsession begins to obsess about their own obsessive mental health. Seek treatments, but know that you are a meaningful human before you are a bipolar human.

Look forward. You have options. In the worst case scenario, there are surgical options to help restore hair/facial bone structure, etc. Even tattoos can be removed, and even though you may feel pretty stupid in the process, you have the whole rest of your life to look forward to.