This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. The user's narrative is complex, emotionally nuanced, and deeply personal, focusing on internal conflict, trauma, and identity. The language is natural, with self-contradiction and evolving thoughts that are consistent with a genuine person processing a difficult experience. There are no red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic account. The passion and anger present are consistent with the experiences of many detransitioners and desisters.
About me
I started presenting as a woman online at 11 to escape my unhappy and abusive reality, and by 15, I was living fully as a woman. I'm now 21 and questioning everything, realizing my transition might have come from a place of self-hatred and a need for an identity. A huge part of my struggle is my trauma related to men, which makes the idea of being a man terrifying because I fear becoming what I hate. After a decade in trans spaces, it's hard to even see myself as a man without feeling like it's a transphobic thought. I'm in therapy now, trying to build a better relationship with being male because I believe it will lead to a more authentic and better life for me.
My detransition story
My journey with transition started from a place of deep unhappiness and a complete lack of self. I was severely bullied at school and my home life with my parents was abusive and neglectful. I felt like I had no identity, no sense of who I was. I experienced a lot of dissociation.
When I was 11 years old, I started presenting as a woman online. There wasn't one big reason; I just enjoyed it. It felt like an escape from my reality. This created a double life for me until I was 15, when I fully started living as a woman in all aspects of my life. Being a woman gave me a self, an identity I felt I completely fit. I did experience what I believed was dysphoria and a strong desire to be a woman.
Now, I'm reconsidering everything. It's complicated. Living as a woman itself isn't necessarily hard, except for the dysmorphia I feel. The bigger issue is that I no longer feel I'm being authentic or true to myself. The idea of living as a man actually excites me. I've been considering this for a long time, and I think a lot of my transition may have come from an internalised hatred of myself. I want to build a better relationship with being male because I believe my quality of life would improve if I did.
I never really experienced manhood, and I feel a deep sense of loss about what I threw away. Looking at old pictures of myself is jarring; it shows me how much I've grown, but it also makes me wish I had thought about it more and waited. I can even miss testosterone, even though the idea of embracing it now is scary.
A huge problem for me is my trauma related to men. I've suffered a lot at the hands of men, so my view of manhood is really skewed. It makes me not want to be a man because I'm afraid I'll become the thing I hate and that others hate. I have this toxic feeling that being a woman makes me my own unique person, but being a man would make me just "another guy." I also feel this intense pressure that to be accepted as a man, you have to intensely dislike anything feminine, and that's a terrifying prospect. It's easy for people to say you can be a feminine man, but the reality of facing potential ridicule, hate crimes, or daggers from people for kissing your partner or wearing a dress is a hard truth. This fear isn't just logical for me; it comes from a place of deep trauma, and I am currently in therapy to work through it.
My thinking is also heavily influenced by having been in trans spaces for so long. I've identified as a woman for six years, and if I count from when I first got uncomfortable at 11, it's been a whole decade. It's hard to see myself as a man, and I know others don't see me as one—it feels like it would be a joke at this point. When I try to apply the idea that I might be a man, my brain immediately sees it as a harmful and transphobic thought, which I know is a product of my environment. I don't suffer from my family or socially for being trans, which is why I suspect this is all internal, mental legwork to change my views on myself.
I fully see other trans women as women, and my potential detransition feels like it would invalidate their happy lives, which is a difficult thought to sit with. My expectation was never to become a cisgender woman; I always knew that was impossible. For me, transition was an attempt to fix a deep problem I had. But now, I'm circling back to the belief that I should try to live as a guy again. It feels less about an undeniable truth and more about my own ideology dictating my quality of life.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 11 | Started presenting as a woman online. Began living a double life. |
| 15 | Began living fully as a woman in all parts of my life. |
| 21 | Currently questioning my transition and considering detransition. In therapy to address trauma. |
Top Comments by /u/Mental-Entry-9634:
Thanks for being respectful, and well I have considered this for a long time. I am considering that I wanna start building a better relationship with being male because I think it may have come from some internalised hatred of myself and that my quality of life would get better if I did I can miss testosterone even if it's scary rn. I wanna feel good and healthy about being a man, it's just hard to do it especially when other people in my life will see this as either betrayal or self harm.
I didn't really experience manhood and I also feel bad about what I threw away. I had no intention of trying to live as male. Looking at old pictures is jarring to me, because I've grown so much as a person but it also makes me wish I thought about it better and waited.
Thanks. I transitioned because I felt it was best for me at the time. I experienced severe dissociation back then and I felt like I had no sense of self but being a woman gave me that self. I was bullied a lot at school and my parents were both non existent and abusive. I do feel I experienced dysphoria and just a desire to be a woman because I fit the bill for it completely.
I started presenting at 11 online for no real reason other than that I enjoyed it and lived a double life until I truly started presenting at 15.
The reason I want to now is complicated. It's not that living as a woman per say is hard other than my dysmorphia, it's that I don't think I'm being authentic or true to myself. I mean I could live as a man and it does excite me.
I'm not sure men live with hatred of being men. Also it's not a pie with a limited number of cuts who are you stealing from? Do you deal with dysphoria? I mean many trans women don't even have that and still transition. The bar isn't high unless you're going with a gic where you're expected to perform a very binary transition and say specific things.
Also um trans people get shit all the time. You get hated on even when you do nothing. Might as well do what is best for you, living for others seems like a fool's errand, it's impossible.
Nobody deserves to hate themselves? I actually think self love is the way to full self actualisation. I assure you you're not a thief in the same way I'm not a thief or a non binary person is not a thief. I mean I'll consider what you've said but that sounds really awful.
Thanks. That's really inspiring.
I think that's another problem I'm trying to deal with. I can feel like being a man has to be done one way. I've suffered a lot due to the hands of men so my views are really skewed on it. It also makes me not want to be a man because I'll be the thing I hate and that others hate. If I was to be a man I feel like I'd wanna be more masculine.
It's toxic but I can feel like being a woman I'm my own person and being a man I am just another guy. Also the fact that to not be hated you have to intensely dislike anything feminine. It's easy for people to say you can do it but when everyone around you points and laughs or gives you daggers, can't wear dresses, hate crime you because you kissed your partner etc it's harder than you think.
It's also hard to be logical about it when it comes from trauma. I am in the middle of getting therapy for it.
I understand. It makes sense to me. I'll try to put together my thoughts on this.
I can believe it. Some of that is in my head when I think about detransitioning or living as I am because I feel that'd be more faithful to me. I do want to believe it to be true.
But also whenever I do try to apply it I just see it as harmful and transphobic. I know this is because I've been in trans spaces a lot. It's hard to see myself as a man and others don't exactly see me as one it'd be a joke at this point.
I've not identified as a boy for like 6 whole years and if you count the first time I started identifying as a woman and got uncomfortable at 11, it's an entire decade.
I think the reason I struggle is because it's not applicable to me day to day. I don't suffer some heavy burden from family neither am I reminded at all of being trans or suffer socially or medically which is why I suspect some trans women adopt it.
Over the years I've felt that a lot of the people who have said that to me have had either malicious intent or didn't understand how being trans works.
So it's purely mental legwork to get my views changed on myself. It sounds like defeatism and invalidates other trans women I know who live happy lives as women because I'd have to see them that way too. I mean I see trans women as like any other woman I know.
It's not that I don't understand I'm not a cisgender woman, I am more than aware that I'll never be a cisgender woman and what I will always lose out on from that even if I can have the same experience and treatment even chemically. I just feel like it's to the point where it's more my ideology on it that dictates my quality of life than an undeniable truth. But it does brings me back round to telling myself I should live as a guy again.
Becoming cisgender to me has never really been how being trans works. My expectations were never to be cisgender and I have always refused to pander to what others think. But being trans isn't exactly easy I didn't want to inflict it on myself. It was just me attempting to fix the problem I had.