My whole journey with transition and detransition was, looking back, me trying to solve a different problem with the wrong solution. I was deeply uncomfortable in my own skin, especially when I went through puberty and started developing breasts. I hated them; they felt foreign and wrong on my body. I think a lot of my initial feelings were rooted in a deep discomfort with the changes happening to me and a feeling that I had no control over my own body or my life.

I started identifying as non-binary first, and that quickly spiraled into identifying as a trans man. It felt like the answer to all my problems. Taking testosterone and getting top surgery felt like steps I had to take to finally feel right. For a while, it did make me feel better. I felt like I was taking control and finally becoming who I was supposed to be.

But eventually, the feeling didn't last. I started to realize that the underlying issues were still there. A lot of my struggle was tied up with low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. I was using transition as a form of escapism—a way to run from myself and the parts of being a woman that I was scared of, like dealing with misogyny. I was trying to fix an internal problem with an external change.

Coming off testosterone was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm now a few months off it, and I'm going through a real mourning phase. It's agonizing. I'm grieving the person I tried to be and the permanent changes to my body. I got top surgery, and while I don't necessarily regret the reduction of my chest dysphoria, I regret the reasons why I did it and that I permanently altered my body for what I now see as the wrong reasons.

My biggest struggle now is my name. I have a masculine name that I chose, and it feels like my biggest "clocker." It's hard to let go of because, in a way, it still feels like my name. But it's a constant reminder of everything I went through and now serves as a source of anxiety when I introduce myself. I'm worried about the legal process of changing it back to something more feminine or androgynous.

I look in the mirror now and I just see someone who looks female-to-male. I feel like that's all anyone will ever see me as, and it's a painful feeling, knowing I can't just go back to how I was. My own eyes and mind are my worst enemies right now. A friend has been trying to help by reminding me that there are women with hormonal issues who might have similar features, but it's hard to shake the feeling that I did this to myself.

My thoughts on gender have completely changed. I don't think it's the profound, internal identity it's made out to be. I think it's mostly just… bullshit. Not in the way the trans community says, but in the way that we put way too much importance on it. Some people are just feminine men, some are masculine women, and some are in between. That's all it is. Forcing yourself into a box is how this whole mess starts.

I do have regrets about transitioning. I regret not dealing with my mental health first. I regret not understanding that my discomfort was about puberty and control, not my fundamental self. I regret the permanent changes and the fact that I'm now infertile. I would tell anyone questioning to put gender on a shelf for a while and focus on their mental health. Live in the in-between space and see how that feels. Don't force it.

My partner has been a huge support, reminding me that this experience has given me a valuable and unique outlook on life, even if it was a painful way to get it. I'm trying to see that as a small blessing and learn to be here for myself as I move forward.

Here is a timeline of my journey: