My whole journey with gender has been complicated and full of questions I’m still trying to answer. I was born female, but I never felt like I fit in with the expectations for girls. A lot of my discomfort started around puberty; I really hated the changes happening to my body, especially developing breasts. It felt like my body was betraying me and becoming something that wasn't me. I now think a lot of this was just a deep discomfort with puberty itself, not necessarily that I was meant to be a man.

I spent a lot of time online, and that’s where I first learned about being transgender. It felt like an answer to all my problems. I started to believe that my unhappiness and anxiety were because I was born in the wrong body. I began to identify as non-binary first, and then later as a trans man. I think I was heavily influenced by what I saw online and by friends in similar spaces. It felt like a community and a clear path forward.

I was also dealing with other issues that I didn't fully understand at the time, like depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety. Looking back, I think a lot of my desire to transition was a form of escapism. I thought if I could just change my outside, the inside would feel better. I also struggled with internalized homophobia; the idea of being a lesbian was uncomfortable for me, and identifying as a straight man felt like a way to avoid that.

I never ended up taking testosterone or getting any surgeries. I came very close to starting T, but something held me back. I’m so grateful now that I waited. Through a lot of thinking and reading stories from people who had detransitioned, I started to question everything. I realized that I had been seeing transition as the only solution, and that’s a really dangerous mindset. I started seeing a therapist who wasn't just affirming—she actually helped me work through my underlying issues, like my discomfort with my body and my low self-worth. That non-affirming therapy was incredibly beneficial for me. It helped me see that my problems were separate from my gender.

I don’t regret exploring my gender, but I do regret how close I came to making permanent changes based on temporary feelings. I’ve learned that for me, “transition” was more about trying to solve other problems. I’m now comfortable living as a female, but a female who is just a bit masculine. I’m okay with that. I don't need a label for it. My thoughts on gender now are that it's a lot more fluid and complicated than we're often told, and the push to medically transition can sometimes rush people into decisions they aren't ready for.

I don't hate the trans community, but I am angry and sad about the lack of honest conversation. The line between being trans and detrans is so blurry, and that’s scary when you’re in the middle of it. I think the only way things will get better is if more people, especially those who have detransitioned, feel safe to speak up and share their honest experiences.

Here is a timeline of my journey: