This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic.
There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor. The user's narrative is highly consistent, emotionally nuanced, and reflects the complex, often painful experience of a feminine gay man who desisted from a trans identity. The passion and specific, personal anecdotes align with the expected perspective of a genuine member of the detrans/desister community.
About me
I was born male and my feminine nature made me a target growing up in a strict Catholic environment. I thought life would be easier if I were a woman, so I socially transitioned for a while. I eventually realized I wasn't escaping my body, but the homophobia I faced as a feminine gay man. I've detransitioned and am learning to embrace being a man who is both masculine and feminine. I'm still struggling with self-acceptance, but I know now that the problem was society's rigid boxes, not me.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender was really about me trying to escape the difficulties of being a feminine gay man. I was born male, and from a very young age, I knew I was different from other boys. I was more feminine, both in how I acted and how I looked. I’m small and have a pretty, feminine appearance, which made me a target.
I grew up in a very strict, conservative Catholic environment. The homophobia was extreme. I remember being about eight years old and a specific incident that really stuck with me. At a school assembly, someone threw a pastry and hit a teacher. No one knew who did it, so all the boys were punished as a group while all the girls were let off completely free. I went home and cried to my parents, telling them I wished I was a girl. In that environment, girls were treated like "beautiful flowers" who could do no wrong, while boys were treated like troublemakers. I think that experience, and others like it, built up a lot of bitterness and self-hatred. I started to believe that life would be so much easier and more desirable if I were a straight woman instead of a feminine gay man.
This thinking led me to believe I was transgender. It felt like the only way out. I thought my love for men and my feminine qualities meant I was supposed to be a woman. For a while, I identified as a trans woman and started to socially transition. I never took hormones or had any surgeries; my transition was entirely social.
But eventually, I realized I wasn't running toward being a woman; I was running away from being a man. I was trying to escape the homophobia and the pressure to conform to a masculine stereotype that I could never fit into. I had to learn that men can be pretty, too. Men can be soft, clean, and feminine. We don't have to be rugged to be valid. I'm a gay man who is mostly attracted to other feminine men, and I had to learn to find that beautiful in myself.
Detransitioning for me meant stopping the social transition and acknowledging that I am, and always was, a gay man. It hasn't been easy. I still struggle with some feelings of gender dysphoria that I think are tied directly to my sexuality and the fear of being unwanted. I'm scared of aging as a feminine gay man and feeling even more undesirable than I do now. I feel like I'm constantly getting pressure from all sides: fetishized or hated by other gay men, ridiculed by society, and even pressured by some people to transition because I don't fit their idea of what a man should be.
I’ve even had trans men get very aggressive with me on dating apps when I politely say I’m not interested, accusing me of not seeing them as real men. It feels like there's no easy place for me. But I’ve benefited from embracing my innate gender non-conforming qualities. It helped me fall in love with being a man and start to appreciate both my masculine and feminine traits.
I don't regret exploring transition because it led me to this understanding of myself. But I do regret that I felt so much pressure that I thought changing my gender was the only answer. My thoughts on gender now are that the boxes society tries to put us in are too rigid. We need to make more space for people to just be themselves, whether that's a feminine man or a masculine woman, without assuming it means they were born in the wrong body.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 8 | A traumatic school event where all boys were punished collectively. I went home and told my parents I wished I was a girl. |
| Teen Years | Realized I was a gay man but struggled intensely with internalized homophobia and self-hatred due to my feminine nature. |
| Early 20s | Began to socially transition, identifying as a trans woman to escape the stigma of being a feminine gay man. |
| 24 | Realized I was running from my problems, not truly dysphoric. Stopped social transition and detransitioned. |
| Present (mid-20s) | Now identify as a feminine gay man. Still navigating self-acceptance and societal pressure. |
Top Comments by /u/Mountain-Bug-4865:
Sorry, I have to interject here as a gay man - I’ve been called transphobic by multiple trans men who hit me up on dating apps and propositioned me. Some have been very sexually aggressive, and this isn’t even after me saying anything genuinely transphobic to them (more so a polite “sorry, not interested” letdown). Gay men’s spaces are absolutely very populated by trans men and nonbinary these days.
We don’t have it easy either, and I’m very sorry that lesbians are having to deal with this too.
Yes. I’m gay and have always exhibited extremely feminine behavior, and I’m pretty physically small and have a feminine appearance. My rigid, conservative upbringing led me to believe that my love for men and my feminine attributes meant that I’d be better off as a trans woman. Nowadays, I present feminine but acknowledge I am a gay man. It’s not easy - I feel like I’m constantly getting barraged by others’ expectations from all sides, and I’m still learning what this means for my future.
I have to challenge you on the gay males being allowed to stay a boys’ club remark. This has NOT been my experience.
I often attract trans men and some are very upset when I reject them and I’ve had some go on tirades about me not seeing them as a real man, even when I said nothing of the sort.
I’ve seen trans men on Twitter refer to gay men as “cissies”.
I could go on.
I thought I was trans because I was a feminine gay man, and being a straight woman would be a more desirable existence than being a feminine gay man. To a degree, I still think this, but I now realize that I was running away from something and not truly gender dysphoric.
I encourage you to not write off all gay people or especially feminine gay men’s experiences just because your experience was negative. We do exist, and we’re suffering.
Hey, we’re the same age and I’m a desisted male. I did have pretty traumatic developmental years, but I relate on some of your current feelings.
Something I had to realize was this: men can be pretty too. With or without body hair. Men can be clean. We don’t have to conform to standards either way, whether that means transitioning to fit feminine standards, or forcing ourselves to look/behave more rugged to fit into a masculine role
I’m gay and am mostly attracted to feminine men like myself (or at least men with feminine qualities). I hope you can learn to find yourself beautiful like I’m learning to. You can be a man and be very soft and pretty!
I hope this helps somewhat, and please feel free to message me if you want to talk about this in more depth.
This is almost exactly my experience (combined with extreme homophobia, but the misandry was definitely a big deal too). I grew up in a very Catholic environment, which is generally considered more patriarchal, but I remember how the girls were called “beautiful flowers” by the teachers and religious leaders. They were treated like absolute gold that could do no wrong.
I remember one instance when I was about 8 years old, and by this time I was very clearly different from the other boys (though I didn’t know what it meant yet). During a full-school assembly, someone threw a pastry that hit the teacher. No one saw who did it or would own up, so all the boys were punished as a collective while the girls got off free. I went home and cried to my conservative parents that I wished I was a girl. Sometimes I wonder if that instance only served to cement bitterness in me that ultimately led to my trans identity.
Respectfully, I think you are stunning. I very much relate to you. It seems we have shared some of the same experiences and feelings.
Do you feel better physically/mentally at all since quitting HRT and/or detransitioning?
Being feminine gay men puts us in a difficult position. It often feels like we are either fetishized or hated by other gay men, ridiculed by society at large, and pressured to transition by large subsets of society to conform to gender norms. Something about us being feminine while having a penis is offensive to them, and I don’t get it.
I’m happy to talk this out in further depth over DM. Glad to help however I can.
I don’t think this is helpful at all.
Embracing my innate gender nonconforming qualities helped me fall in love with being a man and start to appreciate both my masculine and my feminine traits.
Your experience does not define mine, and it’s harmful to enforce these stereotypes that got many of us here in the first place.
Honestly, I love looking femme and having long hair and wearing crop tops. It feels the most “me”. I just wish I could be comfortable being that without the added baggage of being the combo of gay and feminine, and people pressuring me to transition because I don’t conform to gender stereotypes.
I’m gay and still struggle with a bit of gender dysphoria that I think is related to my sexuality. I have a lot of trouble wrapping my head around being perceived as a man, and I’m particularly scared of aging as a feminine gay man. I already feel really unwanted and undesirable as a single gay man and I fear it’s only going to get worse.