This story is from the comments by /u/NervousThrowAwayAc that are listed below, summarised with AI.
User Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the extensive and deeply personal comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic.
The user's posts display a consistent, nuanced, and emotionally raw narrative of their long-term experience with transition, detransition, and complex body dysmorphia. The writing is highly specific, self-reflective, and contains a wealth of personal medical and psychological detail that would be extremely difficult to fabricate consistently. The user's expressed fear, trauma, and eventual self-acceptance align with the known experiences of many detransitioners and desisters.
About me
I thought I was a boy from my earliest memories and lived as a man for over a decade after starting testosterone and having top surgery. My desire to transition came from a deep discomfort with my body and a need to escape society's expectations for women, which felt unsafe and sexualized. After many years, my dysphoria vanished and I realized I was content being female, understanding I could just be a masculine woman. I stopped testosterone and now see my journey was a way to feel strong and safe enough to finally embrace my true self. I am now a gender non-conforming woman, undoing some of the permanent changes from testosterone while cherishing the peace my surgery brought me.
My detransition story
My whole journey with transition and detransition was long and complicated. I thought I was a boy from my earliest memories, long before I knew what being trans was or had any internet exposure to it. I started taking testosterone in my early teens and was on it for over a decade; I honestly lost count of the exact number of years. I also had top surgery to remove my breasts as an adult.
A huge part of my desire to transition came from a deep discomfort with my body that I now understand was body dysmorphia, not true gender dysphoria. I had an eating disorder when I was younger and I saw a stereotypical feminine form as something disgusting, fat, and overly sexual. I hated my breasts from the moment they started growing. I also had extremely painful, traumatic periods as a teenager; I would vomit, scream, and my legs would buckle from the pain.
Living as a man felt safer. People listened to me more, took me seriously, and I felt less sexualized and could walk home at night without as much fear. For a long time, I believed this proved I was meant to be a man. I passed easily and was stealth for years.
But a few years after my top surgery, which I had after many years on testosterone, my feelings completely changed. My dysphoria just vanished. I suddenly realized I was content being female. I stopped taking testosterone one day and never went back. I think a big part of my realization was that I needed to successfully live as a man to finally feel okay about living as a woman. I needed to feel strong and masculine to feel safe enough to not be those things.
I now see that a lot of my struggle was actually with internalized misogyny and society's horrible expectations for women. I hated the concept of what a woman was supposed to be and was trying to escape it, not realizing I could just be my authentic self—a masculine woman—without needing to become a man. The world is often unfair and unsafe for women, and for a long time, consenting to be one felt impossible.
I don’t regret my transition, and I definitely don’t regret my top surgery. Having my breasts removed was the best thing I ever did for myself; it made me feel at home in my body for the first time. I love being able to lie on my stomach, hug people without a barrier, and never worry about bras or nip slips. I was incredibly lucky and have full sensation with no complications. However, I do feel neutral about testosterone. It fixed my horrible periods—they came back after I stopped T but are now manageable and nowhere near as painful—and it helped me feel calmer and stronger, which helped me fight off some bad situations. But I wish I had never taken it because of the permanent changes I now have to deal with, like a deeper voice and more body hair.
I’m now going through electrolysis to remove facial hair and laser for my body, and I’ve started voice training to sound more feminine again. It’s a long process, but I’m patient. I identify as a gender non-conforming woman. For me, that means I prioritize my comfort; I rarely wear makeup, don’t shave often, and wear mostly men's or plain women's clothes. It’s about being authentic to myself.
I was heavily influenced by trauma, specifically related to sexual assault, which made me terrified of anything gynecological. I was on a waiting list for a full hysterectomy at one point because I was so afraid of my reproductive organs and the exams associated with them. I’m so grateful I found this community and learned about the serious health risks of that surgery, like organ prolapse, just days before my consultation. I cancelled it and instead found a gynecologist who will put me under anesthesia for any necessary exams.
I also struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem throughout my life. Transitioning was a form of escapism for me, a way my brain tried to protect me from my problems. I benefited from finally getting to a stable, safe point in my life where I could see things clearly without the pressure to present a certain way. The COVID lockdowns actually gave me a lot of time to just be myself without outside opinions, which helped a lot.
My thoughts on gender now are that your appearance doesn’t have to be your society's ideal version of you. Being feminine doesn't make you female, and being masculine doesn't make you male. You can be a woman and be any kind of woman you want. I think it's really important for anyone questioning to critically ask themselves what they hope to gain from transition and to work through any trauma or self-esteem issues first.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early Teens | Started testosterone |
| Early 20s | Had top surgery (double mastectomy with nipple removal) |
| Around 26 | Stopped testosterone cold turkey |
| 27 | Realized I was content as female, began identifying as a detransitioned woman |
| 27-28 | Started electrolysis and laser hair removal, began voice training |
Top Reddit Comments by /u/NervousThrowAwayAc:
i do not hug box so brace your self if you wanted constructive criticism because that is what is on the menu lol
you could sit around and feel bad
or
you could make an appointment with your doctor to get referred to a physiotherapist to see what is going on with your shoulders and spine
and a referral for a dietician to help you healthily put on weight (i would not trust a gym with this yet because you look like some thing gonna snap)
my point? you do not look ugly you look unwell and with out a cohesive style
regarding the style we need to work on making you feel GOOD in mens clothing because when you feel good you look better
spend some time looking at men you like the aesthetic of and report back here we can all help you pick outfits that are comfortable and look good on you
you are going to feel like an ugly duckling while rediscovering your self but the worst thing you can do right now is wallow in self pity and not take action
you have a community here so utilise it x
good job cancelling your appointment i know exactly how awkward and jarring and scary it can feel because i found this reddit days before my hysterectomy consultations (which i cancelled and am so so so endlessly grateful for)
i took t for over five years (much more than that but i stopped counting after five as it lost a feeling of importance) and quit cold turkey with no side effects HOW EVER it is a highly individual thing and some people swear by gradually lowering the those to prevent shock where as other people say this causes menopausal problems which could be avoided if the body were allowed to heal on its own (personally i was just lazy and it was easier to not do any thing lol)
you do not need e unless you have had a hysterectomy and removed your ovaries and i would not advise taking e if you have ovaries because you may confuse your body more and prevent it from functioning properly by it self
any problems you face in the next 6 months can be documented and then taken to a gynecologist to assess what is best course of action
as for presentation? you do not have to suddenly start wearing pink or dresses or wearing make up (i mean you can if you want to but many of us are in this position because we hated feeling forced in to that in the first place as if putting on a dress makes some one female lol)
how you feel most comfortable? that is fine. wear mens hoodies if they are comfy. wear womens leggings if they are comfy. mix and match do what ever you want. remember these are early days and it is perfectly fine to stay in touch with tomboy vibes. some women grow their hair out others keep it short and there is no correct way to be a girl or woman- you simply are one by unavoidable birthright
thank you for making your health a priority, future you is so grateful
also if you have not checked out the discord server it is very comfortable (:
you sound similar to an ex friend of mine who discovered her dysphoria was not actually gender dysphoria but body dysmorphia
she transitioned because she did not realize that she just wanted to be attractive and not a trans male
so here is the good news you only mentioned testosterone no surgery and guess what the hair and the voice and most of the body changes like fat and muscle go back or are possible to change with time or money or effort alone
you created this current state over 5 years so yes it will take years to undo but please realise it is just a long process not an impossible one
be kind to your self and grab some trail mix because you have got a long journey ahead of you
at least it was an orchiectomy and not the full srs
many men can under go this operation for health reasons so while your circumstance unfortunate it does not mean there is no way to improve
talk to your endocrinologist about starting testosterone
you very clearly undeniably look like a woman
you do not even look like a masculine woman you just simply look like a woman (i saw your forest picture)
i can not imagine you as male what so ever (not even as a young teen) so i think your body dysmorphia must be pretty severe or you live in a woke area where people are trying to be polite by gendering you the way they think you want to be gendered if you have a deeper/trans voice?
i am so sorry that you are struggling with it but can only encourage you to be kind to your self and try to work out why you feel the way you do about certain features and to challenge your thoughts to see if you are fixating on some thing that is barely noticeable when considering the 'bigger picture' (which is how every one sees you not your isolated features)
it makes sense
the surgeon probably wants your body to adjust and settle with having no hrt so that when they operate you will not change unexpectedly due to hormonal fluctuations
if you get operated too soon after quitting hrt your final results risk looking very obvious and abnormal
do not rush the body you have to exist inside for ever
the main source of my dysphoria (meaning distress or discomfort) was having breasts
had i been allowed a bilateral mastectomy with out having to take testosterone and live as a man for many years i absolutely would have
after i finally received my bilateral mastectomy 100 percent of my distress and discomfort went away
i identify as a woman and am quite feminine but breasts were just not for me
my chest surgery was the best thing to ever happen to me
how ever my experience is one of the more controversial ones in the detrans community and many people in my situation would have preferred a breast reduction
you also need to be very critical and realistic with your self about the out comes and unexpected things such as tissue asymmetry or nerve damage etcetera
i was lucky and mine went perfectly so i have full sensation but that also means my out look and opinion of the surgery is much happier than some of the many many women who have been left feeling disfigured or with chronic pain
you are not who you will be in five or ten years and you can not anticipate if you will suddenly wake up missing them one day or just generally feeling at peace with your body
please take your time and remember you only get to do this once
good luck
i am a woman so i know it does not mean much but i really would not care if my man had no balls and i am not hug boxing you when i say that
for practicality i think you need to go to an endocrine expert and talk about your options wants and expectations
you are a feminine gay man and you are going to be okay
i only realised it was not my thing after i successfully transitioned
i had it all in terms of checking boxes healthy body that passed all the time and was stealth good relationships enjoyed my job stable mental health etcetera
but i still felt the same way i did pre t and i realised that the only thing that was truly different was my maturity and ability to identify my problems and begin addressing them properly instead of unknowingly using transitioning as a means of escapism
and for context i thought i was male since my earliest memory despite being afab and i went through years of therapy before getting hormone blockers and testosterone and top surgery
now i will not pretend to have the all the answers and i am not anti trans
my top surgery was undoubtedly the best thing to ever happen to me to this day
but that does not mean i am trans
enjoying being treated as a human being instead of a sexualised object with stressful societal expectations does not make me trans
enjoying stereotypically male hobbies or comfortable clothing or being too unbothered to shave does not make me trans
i realised that my concept of what a woman is was heavily distorted by media and society and i find it mind boggling that i was never told that it is normal to be entirely unhappy with your appearance and bodily functions when you are in your teens and early twenties
i find it terrible that we are taught from a young age to hide away our discomfort and just deal with it resulting in tons of women not being diagnosed with 'male' problems such as autism and adhd
sorry for going on a tangent but i hope i made sense
the world is unfair to women and unsafe for women and some times being a woman means being in extended periods of pain of course for some of us it is ludicrous to consent to being one
but just because the world has historically done us wrong does not mean we are men or can be men
the body you hate so much and potentially the less than ideal female role models in your life is your body and always will be no matter what you do to it you can not escape your self and will always be you
and if you want surgery and official documents and etcetera i support you but i really hope you take a long time to contemplate why you feel what you feel and what you would do about your feelings in a world where transition was not possible
if i knew then what i know now i would have been so much kinder to my self
the majority of trans men and trans masculine people i have met have gone bald usually completely after 10 - 15 years on t. my heart goes out to her. being a man is very different to being a boy. youthfulness and things we associate with it are innately feminine that typically degrade with age. i hope she can heal in any ways possible and lead a happy healthy life. this is so important for younger trans masculine individuals to see because it is a common out come.