When I was hit with severe doubt regarding my transition, it was right before a top surgery I'd had scheduled for over a year and had wanted for as long as I can remember. Called in and cancelled two days before. I got yelled at by the receptionist and had to pay a small fee, but looking back it's the best decision I've ever made in my life.

It's always a bad idea to have major, life-changing surgery if you're in doubt. Especially something that will make you dependent on external hormones (this is the situation I'm currently in post-hysterectomy), and especially so young. You're only 19 (!) and have plenty of time to figure things out - if you're happy with the changes from HRT then why not just stay on that for longer and see how you feel in a few years? "Worst case" scenario is you'll end up scheduling the surgery again when you've had more time to reflect. I understand possibly paying a big cancellation fee is daunting if you're in a bad financial situation, but it's a small price to pay for not getting anything irreversable done to your body that you're not completely, 100% comfortable with. Money can be earned back and surgeries can be re-scheduled, but once your own hormone production is gone it's gone.

Hello! I had a total hysterectomy last year as my first (and only) surgery. My own experience with it was pretty brutal - I had to be operated on twice in one day and then got hospitalised two more times in the following weeks. Realised it hadn't been worth it, then started questioning my whole transition and things kind of spiralled from there. A year later I'm still struggling with depression and a whole lot of grief, as well as a pretty intense surgical menopause (from coming off T). Needless to say, it's a decision I really regret, so that's where I'm coming from here.

My advice is don't get major surgery if you're even slightly unsure if you want the surgery. Especially something that may have significant consequences, and especially when your gut is telling you to do something else. There's so much time to figure it out - if you're satisfied with where you are transition-wise right now, why not just continue with that and see how you feel? You can always re-schedule the appointment in a few months or years. Doesn't mean you're committed to a path of complete detransition. Meanwhile, re-installing your hormone production is a bit trickier.

Personally, I also wish I'd reflected more on what exactly I had to gain by getting a hysterectomy before going through with it, and challenged myself to think in more specific terms than just "alleviating dysphoria" (which was also my reason behind it). What exactly does the dysphoria constitute? What situations make you dysphoric, and which ones would be made better by surgery? In what way? For example, one element (among many) that made me really miserable was the idea of dealing with female reproductive/sexual health issues. To the point where I just wanted it all out. The cruel irony is I now have to dilate regularly to prevent vaginal atrophy and pelvic floor issues from menopause, in what some may call... a massive fucking backfire, haha.

Anyway, I hope any of this was helpful/insightful for you, feel free to ask if you have any other questions.

Just want to say I relate to a lot of this. Lived as a guy for around 5 years and had total hysto, then suddenly started connecting on some level with my body and being female after. I've never liked passing as a gay man either, and was also uncomfortable with my attraction to women being "straight".

For me, the toughest part of the process was definitely recognising and being completely honest to myself about my feelings of regret, and the fact I no longer identified as a man. It's an extremely unpleasant and humbling realisation, because it involves being wrong about some pretty significant things about yourself. But every step since then has been progressively easier in my experience. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk :)

I really relate to feeling like passing as a cis man doesn't leave me room to just be. In the process of all this I think I've realised how tiring it is to live my life constantly trying to achieve, live up to or maintain some kind of state (stealth, passing, whatever), rather than just existing. Thank you for the input!

I've also had a both ovaries removed and decided to go off T a few weeks ago. I'm 22.

My experience with it has been really stressful. All my referrals to endocrinologists have gotten rejected because it's not "their field" (in my country there's literally just one specialised treatment centre for trans stuff). I also really struggled to find anyone at all who would prescribe me estrogen due to Factor V Leiden (increased blood clotting risk), so for a little while I went without any hormones at all which was bad.

Fortunately it's starting to get sorted out now. I'm on a low dose of transdermal estrogen, which seems relatively safe for me in comparison to oral HRT (1, 2, 3, 4, etc.) It's a lot more comfortable than taking pills every day too, I just spray it on my arm.

Haven't really had any changes or side effects yet, nor am I expecting anything drastic. But I feel a lot better mentally, and have way more energy than I had with no hormones.

Hello! You are not alone in this, I had a total hysterectomy around a year ago at the age of 21 (!) after only two and a half years (!!) on T. Have been on estrogen HRT since February.

Regarding side effects, the thing I've been most concerned about is blood clotting. It's a known side effect of (oral) HRT, and unfortunately I have a genetic mutation that increases the risk even more. Transdermal estrogen (through the skin) seems relatively safe in comparison (1, 2, 3, 4, etc.) so right now I'm using a spray that I spray on my arm every morning. Really easy, it dries in about ten seconds and that's that. Patches is also an option. I'm not a medical professional obviously, so take all this with a grain of salt, but I'd highly recommend talking to a doctor you trust about the pros/cons of different types of HRT and what would work best for you. Both in terms of minimising adverse side effects, but also figuring out something that works with your daily routine/lifestyle.

I was on very long-lasting testosterone and my levels still haven't dropped below the male range, so I haven't really experienced any 'feminising' effects. I do have menopause symptoms (hot flashes, sleeplessness, etc.), but I think that's because I'm in a kind of an awkward in-between stage where both my T and E are relatively low. Once my T decreases more I'll increase the E dosage and that should help, hopefully.

The most difficult thing about surgery for me personally has been coping with the grief. In the beginning I was really overwhelmed and felt like I had irreparably fucked up much worse than any other person on earth had ever fucked up. The HRT felt like a cruel reminder every morning. But with time I realised that, well, life kind of goes on anyway, whether or not I like it. The human brain is very good at adapting to new circumstances, and now that I've gotten slightly more used to how things are it doesn't bother me as much. And it's only been a few years for you - imagine how distant this will be in ten, twenty, fifty. Going through two puberties and a menopause before the age of 25 I think leads to a warped perception that life happens very fast and urgently, but in reality there's SO much time for estrogen to work and there's SO much life remaining. It might get worse before it gets better because sudden hormonal shifts tend to amplify emotional turmoil, but the only way out is through.

Hi, I'm also post-hysterectomy, currently on estrogen only but my doctor has highly recommended I go back on (female dose) T once my hormones stabilise to get more energy. Definitely relate to the lethargy and depression on just E. I've also lurked a bit in forums for people going through menopause early due to ovarian failure etc., and the mantra there seems to be that most research into what dosage of estrogen is sufficient is actually based on people going through normal menopause, while younger people may often need a much higher dose than "normal" post-menopause HRT to resolve quality of life issues.

Not a doctor either obviously so take all this with a grain of salt, but you might find some useful posts on r/POFlife

You're definitely not alone in that, haha. The nice thing is everything doesn't have to be figured out immediately, and doing things like e.g. cancelling surgery or taking a break from hormones to see how you feel won't mean you're now committed to the path of detransition forever. No shame in being uncertain, and no shame in taking the time to explore that uncertainty.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Logically I'm aware that it usually is temporary, but TE is still incredibly freaky to deal with, so I really appreciate hearing from someone who's been through a similar thing. I suspect I was also on a way too high dose when I quit injections, which I guess makes the adjustment even more shocking to my system.

I do have a private doctor I have to go to for HRT (due to an ill-advised oophorectomy), but all he offered was that it isn't the estrogen that's doing it. Which, well, duh. He hasn't wanted to prescribe finasteride because I think he expected the testosterone to decrease quicker. My general practitioner hasn't wanted to prescribe anything either or refer me anywhere else, because she believes 'this stuff' should be my former gender clinic's responsibility. For various reasons I don't want to go back to them, so unfortunately I'm having to navigate most things on my own - truly an abysmal state of affairs, but oh well. Still waiting for my paycheck from the national healthcare service to compensate for all this work I'm doing for them haha.

Sorry for the slow response, I'll try my best to answer.

For me it was a few different things at once. Firstly I went through a pretty traumatic hysterectomy, where at one point I was genuinely worried I was going to die. That really shook me and gave me a new appreciation for my body that I hadn't experienced before. It also made the whole concept of gender and transition feel a bit arbitrary and unimportant in the grand scheme of things, even though it had felt so significant for so long. Partly that's probably also just a result of natural growth, it's not exactly unusual to get less concerned with some things (especially appearance related) with age. I also had a sexuality crisis around this time, where (long story short) I think I expected my discomfort with relationships to get sorted once I got my dysphoria in check, but turns out I just wasn't attracted to men and transition didn't "fix" that. After that, I surprisingly found myself wanting to reconnect with being female through the lesbian community. The whole thing actually had very little to do with disliking or regretting any changes from HRT, I don't mind passing as male.

Not sure how much of this is relatable to you, but I hope it's still some help. Unfortunately it's difficult to speculate why exactly you're feeling the way you're feeling, but if you can I'd recommend seeing a therapist to help organise your thoughts. Something to keep in mind though is that there doesn't have to be a dramatic, near-death turning point or anything for feeling the way you do. It's natural to mature and grow, and sometimes that involves doubt and/or significant shifts in what we want out of life.