It seems funny to me now because I remember when I tried to go work out, coach had specific routines for female to bulk up needed muscles only to achieve that hourglass shape. And everyone was advising not to work out, at least not for all the body, least I'd start looking like a guy. Because apparently worked out female body is leaning closer to male body in shape.

I prefer Buddhism, and I think when I got really into it, my gender stop matter to me as much. If in previous life I might have been a man, but also a cat, and a bug, and a fish, and a myriad of other life, why would it matter so much how that particular body looks like? Sort of this. Plus in general gender matters very little in buddhism, some figures have male and female form for example.
In my area the pagan people are instead very focused on gender roles and those are very strict, they try to recover initial meaning of being true to your gender role or smth, and gnc is seen as failure. So how paganism you mention looks like is very specific to western countries I suppose.

I pick up nonbinary from time to time when I feel pressured by stereotypes. Say people talk about female portrayals or what females are, I check it out and figure out there is again a bunch of stereotypes and get upset. So the trick I invented myself that led me into being trans in the first place was to think ''hey, they talk about women, but cis women are like that, it's fine, you're just not woman''. I still felt connection to my natal gender and I didn't particularly hate it at first, so I started to think that all of it is ok, because I'm just nb. Nb is such a term that is slapped on anything and everything, you can be any mix of things and nb on top. So I felt like it doesn't really mean much but at the same time provide barrier. And currently I need it from time to time when I get upset. But because I'm not american I feel like nb is very much american thing, even if I try to look up some nb content in hopes to find something relatable I would not be able to. So it's another reason I don't pick it up. Currently I think that like others said here I don't want to give up to pressure of stereotypes and think that their is either something wrong with me or I'm not a female just because I'm not what is stereotypicaly expected.

Personally I was bullied so much for various behaviors that didn't fully fit how I was supposed to be as a woman, that I think identifying as other gender was temporary safe space for me. I remember having pretty strong ptsd from bullying and various intrusive thoughts as the result of gaslight. I was mocked for reading books, people didn't want to talk to me if I said something complicated, at the same time if I said something smart they said I just pretend to be smart bc something is wrong with my head and having a man would cure it.

I would not list everything here as it's probably triggering. But at that time deciding I have male brain cured those intrusive thoughts and I could read and study in piece somewhat. I was extremely defensive at anyone questioning gender agenda, using wrong pronouns on me or someone saying there are only two genders would send me into meltdowns and panic attacks honestly. That is because I think I reassigned my memory of abusers to those people who attacked the gender ideology. I managed to forget my abuse at that time, but emotional flashbacks stayed, they just had different trigger.

So although I felt it was better, it really wasn't and I was confused till I got back to original issue. I have no idea if someone fully believed all this or if this ideology was specifically constructed to exploit my trauma. If it's the second, I have no respect for this person, bc that theory didn't help me heal or get better, it made me feel threatened and as if my only place to belong and my only way to survive is to back up that agenda. As if I would be hated by everyone and attacked everyone outside those trans space. Also I feel like I lost something still, I felt pretty happy looking masculine, but while being trans I somewhat hated myself even in that look , I picked up apart how I look all the time.

Hopefully I'm not late with advice.

First, like others said here, brain, especially frontal lobes that control behavior, finish forming at late 20s. Personally from my experience I didn't have rebellious phase as teen, but it caught up to me at 21-24, and for some reason part of the expression of it was in interest in body mods (didn't get any except few piercings, those hurt and I dislike being hurt). Maybe it's the safest way to direct that separation energy in current society, I have no idea. For me there was a huge change in how I think when I got older, I used to have strong social conformity and social rejection was painful. I'm not sensitive to criticism now despite being hyper sensitive person overall. It's kind of like when you begin to understand how this game works, why people criticize, you don't react as much to it, but it's hard earned and you can't be less sensitive just because you decided so, sadly. But I for sure can tell you that it gets better, even though it seems like a long time to work before that. Honestly if someone told me ''it would be get better in 10 years'' in the past I'd still have no idea how to live with 10 years of pain before that. But looking into trauma therapy helps, bc strong pain from social interactions often comes from past wounds.

Personally I am not found of body mods. I don't bother people with my opinion who do them, but I don't think it's healthy. I contemplate how it is possible to cause pain on yourself willingly. I wonder if that require self objectification, why otherwise one would decide ''it's better to endure pain from getting a body mod and be accepted then the pain I feel daily when people not accept me''. Ofc current medicine tells you that it would no hurt etc, it's all safe and would not have consequences. But who would not be hurt? Your consciousness would not feel pain, but your body would feel it. It require a thinking where your body is not you, to be able to think that it would not be hurt when it would hurt to your body. Hopefully I make sense here bc english is not my native language. So my personal line was that no harm is done to me. I don't want extra pain in my life, period. I refuse to suffer pain and stress for the sake of being more pretty for other people. And if you think more broadly, who benefit from your body mod? You or some manufacturer who developed it? Is it really you who would benefit or are they selling you the dream about how you can be accepted and how you can be loved and the pain in your soul would go away if you only modify your body? If it's the latter, then personally I don't think any such promise is possible. You just can't find love and meaning on that level.

People who get breast reduction often suffer from back pain and other symptoms, so technically it's not about the same but close, I agree. I had known one person who got breast reduction and she vented a lot to me, honestly it was crappy for a month for her, if I was ever thinking about getting it, I decided against it after. Well, if I had back pain etc I might need it, but I don't have back pain or anything, it was purely aesthetic for me. So I thought do I really with to inflict full anesthesia on myself, spend a month recovering, in pain, suffering, for what? To be perceived differently bc something in my body is stereotypicaly associated with something in my soul that does not match? Why? Wouldn't I be better spending all those money and time eating good food, going for a walk, anything, that would be nurturing instead of hurting? I don't wear binders for same reason, they are restrictive and I don't like when my breathing is restricted. I find it hard enough to start breathing normally instead of shallow, so binder would trigger me into freeze mod. But I am fine with sports bra, I dislike feminine bra for they are designed uncomfortable.

Another thing is that in my base culture it's considered not good to be swayed by surface things, so it might be easier for me. I notice in usa culture first impression means a lot. But did you even experienced it when you started to perceive a person differently when you know them better? Say your friend is not ''pretty'' by current standard, but once you know them you stop seeing that. Or your friend dress up feminine, but once you know they are strong and masculine for the lack of better term you see them fierce and strong even in dress? Basically instead of reading the symbol from their looks, you know who they are and that change the symbol you see in them. In my culture that is considered true and acceptable, but judging by first impression not. People still do judge so, just it's not something you're encouraged to run after. Some people are lucky and their looks match the stereotype of their personality, but honestly those are few and most just use the looks to their advantage if they have those. The rest needs to run after that in rat race, I just think that race is not worthy of participation. And in general when I try to better myself there is always pain that. I bought skin care and I use it, but for some reason it does not make me happy. I feel pain, I will never look like a celeb in real life, yet I still try to match them.

Edit: Honestly the best I felt about myself was when I was traveling in the mountains. I rarely looked at the mirror, but when I looked, I was happy with what I seen. Bc it was just me. I stopped looking at myself as an object that needs to be fixed then. I could laugh even if my teeth are not the best, it didn't matter, I didn't think how do my looks look to other, what do they think etc. I use this memory as reference to how I can feel and what is more healthy to limit my focus on my looks. Honestly I think people are just neurotic in current day and age. It would be better if we all aspired to judge people by their soul, by their character, not by their looks. It would make others feel like their matter.

Edit2: If you want to ask something more in detail here, I am happy to share.

Not that part, but I like his idea of animus/anima as for me I felt like I wanted to become my animus when wanting to transition. He actually talks about embracing both parts of psyche somewhere, both genders, which is one thing that made me reject the whole transition idea in the end. As I figured it's the state I need to achieve in my mind not via altering my body. Sorry it might be a bit off topic here.

I have a trait where I only show the behaviors that are in the group when surrounded by people. Has to do with my safety and trauma issues. So if surrounded by women I'm a bit afraid to be blunt and say my ''male'' opinions, while with males I would be afraid to show sensitive side or say talk about cooking. Echoism basically. None of these are just me, this is just part of me showing out that feels safe, that's the way I see it. I feel comfortably fit only with my close friend circle who are also gnc.

Never felt fit either. I have many female friends with whom I'm friends 1 on 1, and the dynamic is usually healthy and I feel like I fit well. For female friends I only knew as group that was very confusing experience to me and they never even accepted me as one of them to begin with bc I apparently didn't act correctly. I am especially bad fit with groups that have very strong group mentality. I have impression that for some female I represent everything they learned to despise (no make up, no pretty closes etc) and their fear of it is so strong that they can be pretty cruel to me. School was terrible, I was bullied by female non stop while male mostly would ignore me and just leave me alone. And even later as adult to my surprise female sometimes schemed against me to exclude me for example when I did nothing. I remember I was shocked bc they judged me as very much disgusting individual but I didn't even interact with them before. Plus anything I did was interpreted by them as trying to get close to men.

Plus what is complicated for me is that in groups all female rant privately to others about others. It's not necessary gossip, might be gossip, but sometimes just venting out. So if I said something mildly off that might have been read as unpleasant I might be sure it would be vented out privately but I have no way to influence that or defend myself. Often that unpleasant is not necessary rude, but not validating, not supporting enough or just having boundaries. Basically healthy thing but painful for that particular person.

Due do that I often was very scared and confused bc I felt like I'm interacting with hive mind of sorts, not with separate people, bc of all that discussing and venting out in private. Say something to one person and it change how another 10 female you didn't even talked to see you. Plus all your secrets get exposed also. It's too complicated for me.

Couldn't make friends with guys too bc they are friends only if they have bedroom interest in me, while I am not interested in them, so it never match. Plus I was pretty hurt often when people I was sure are my friends would just cut me cold turkey once they got a girlfriend and disappear forever.

Had to finally admit to myself that it was a fantasy and not at all rooted in reality.

That was the case for me too. But I figured that it was a fantasy I created of the good traits I didn't accept in myself because of the internalized misogyny. It was a fantasy in a sense that men are not like that, but it wasn't a fantasy in a sense that it was my ideal life, my needs, and I can be like that, but I don't need to change my body to be like that, I can be like that in any body. Not in a childish way, where you can live a life from a tv drama. But in a way that I could be strong, professional, respected, talented etc etc. I guess there is always life limitations, but at least there is a feeling that it's possible.

PS. I used to post here before, but deleted acc and here I am again.

I agree with assumption that being married or in relationship is significant. To be honest for me, even when I was thinking I'm straight as a ruler and I was trying to correct myself into being in relationship (long story), I was still dressed as nb stereotype and people still clocked me as queer and I had experienced some abusive unpleasant situations because of it.

But in my base culture it's more or less felt that the typical feminine look is mostly like that for males. I had plenty of female friends and I could say that were feminine when they were going on the date, but normally around other females they were more tomboy/nb if we go by the looks. I never met agab-attracted woman who would look feminine either. Mostly because feminine clothes are tighter, less comfortable, you need to spend more time for grooming and tuning up overall, so most women I know don't care for it much, unless it's for dating. But I feel that because typically in my environment females get used to other females looking the usual, they don't feel the need to dress up in feminine way. I don't know. I was told that in america it's the opposite actually. I don't really understand why ppl assume that if someone is afab-attracted they're supposed to be attracted to dresses and make up and submissive personality specifically, it feels like a mockery. I hope my reply is on topic.

I don't think I'm comfortable saying I'm cis fully either, it's weird, but I feel ok with my gender so I don't know.