I struggle with disphoria at times. But in my clear moments it's clear to me that there is so much more to life then gender. Scenario one: you become your ideal girl- now what? What are you going to do? Where you going to live? What are your hobbies? Friends? Job? Religion?

Scenario two: you become your ideal guy- now what? What are you going to do? Where you going to live? What are your hobbies? Friends? Job? Religion?

Gender is important - but not the most important part of life.

Personally For me, in my experience, leaning into the teachings of Jesus has been the best way to understand and make sense of my disphoria.

I have a similar background and get the guilt shame thing.

Since you are also a Christian, let me say the important thing to remember is 1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins".

In a Christian worldview, shame is a tool of the enemy - not God. Once we genuinely repent, our sin is forgiven. You are free.

Dealing with any ongoing desire (temptations) can be difficult and it's where I'm struggling now. I've found help working with a therapist who shares my values- and honestly we focus more on IFS parts work over gender- working to see what the underlying cause of the desires is.

I've also found this book to be helpful to me; Embodied: Transgender Identities, the Church, and What the Bible Has to Say https://a.co/d/6u5rLPl

I'm happy to talk more if you want. Hang in there :)

Thanks- it does. I hate gendered society lol. That's 90% of the problem.

I am aware this is my body.... That's what makes me mad lol. And why I know transition won't work- I'll always know that I am NOT female. So it will always be pretend. I just wanna be me but don't wanna be fueled by some gross desires, but I've spun this through every bucket- Trans, DID, IFS, AGP, Sissy- and nothing fits all the way. Each can do some degree. But idk. I guess I should stop trying to figure it out. BUT. I won't. Lol 😂

I have struggled with transgender thoughts for at least 22 years. I have tried some counciling but still feel defeated by these feelings.

I sometimes feel like I have "two personalities". The one that feels like being trans is gross and sinful, and wants nothing to do with it, and the other one that just thinks it IS a girl.

Below are some journal entries I've written about these feelings. The first is from 2018, the others this year.

JOURNAL 1: The Car Analogy

March 2018

It's like my body is a car. And guy me and Avery (as the female persona likes to be called) are in it. They take turns in the driver seat, and the other goes in the back. And they fight to be the driver. Neither one is ever like totally gone. Some times one drives and the other one is totally asleep in the back, and the driver can sometimes forget they are there. Other times one tries to be a back seat driver and is just anoying, causing anxiety, saying the direction the driver is driving is wrong. They both do this, they both take turns in each spot. Both want to be the ONLY one. GUY ME takes steps so Avery can never come out again, to destroy her, when he drives. Other times Avery tries to make it so guy me can't drive any more. It never feels like possession...like it's always me...and the other can still see out the windows where we are going, and sometimes back seat driver enough to make aguy meustments. Some times I feel totally comfortable as guy me, other times I'm GUY ME but there's like this buzzing anxiety that won't go away unless I give in and be at least somewhat feminine...and it can be a compromise for awhile....but eventually Avery tries to take full control. Sometimes she does or sometimes guy me puts her to sleep. Other times without warning they swap. When Avery is in control there isnt Really anxiety....in fact there's less anxiety. Avery has way less stress and worry then guy me, but shame and guilt nags at her until she is back. Neither one is really comfortable with the other...

Both have voices...and like sometimes o can almost imagine them arguing...idk what that's about. I don't nessisarly hear voices...but its real to some degree

Yeah it can definitely Inpact other areas and make them hard. And I've been jealous of how both guys and girls look too. But we may have more superficial "love" based on how we look, but love based on how we look will always be superficial and not worth chasing.

JOURNAL 2: The History When I was in kindergarten I used to switch shoes with the girl who sat next to me, until one day her mom came in and told us to stop.

Around the same time, when I was over a friend's house, he had us try on his sisters ballet clothes.

And ever since then for years when I would go over I would try to get him to take them again so we could try them on again. But he didn't.

I can remember playing make believe as a kid and we would play games as secret agents. I can remember playing that the "bad guys" were going to turn me into a girl.

All throughout my child good I can remember secretly taking my sister's clothes to try on.

I can remember in detail some of the outfits, I loved wearing them so much.

In first grade I can remember getting my friend Maggie to dare me to wear girls clothes under my guy clothes.

Even though I wanted to wear them I was afraid to.

As I got older and would have friends sleep over I would invent all sorts of dares or bets on games we played that the looser had to wear my sister's or moms clothing.

I would often purposely loose so I would be the one.

I can remember in excitement before they came over sneaking into my sister's room to grab clothes to hide in my room for later.

As I became a teenager I wasn't super interested in typical masculine activities, and I enjoyed hanging out with girls and talking more.

Eventually I learned the vocabulary of transgender and adopted the name Avery for the female persona. I would often feel so much peace and happiness and euphoria at being Avery. And especially people seeing me as Avery or calling me Avery or using female pronouns would make my heart so happy.

I had multiple friends online who I would chat with and be this persona with, but I was afraid to do it in person, although a few people did know.

I always felt incredible shame at wanting to be Avery.

I never felt confident to just be Avery, I always would get someone to "dare" me to. That way I could wear girl clothes in secret or under my guy clothes and "it wasn't my fault".

Eventually I started expressing some things to some girls I knew in real life, saying I was dared or lost a bet and needed them to rate outfits I tried on, and would send them pictures as Avery in different girl outfits.

I wanted so badly people to see me as Avery but was afraid.

I had one friend from high school that I didn't tell till after we graduated, and she became Avery's biggest supporter, but I never hung out with her in person as Avery.

I had another friend who moved to New York that said I could come stay up there for a bit and no one would know me and I can be Avery full time for a few days, so I got in full Avery persona and drove up like 2 hours.

I can remember I was wearing black leggings, a grey/black dress, heeled boots, a head band, and clip on earrings. Probably make up too. There was no parking on her street by her apartment so she hoped in my car and we drove around till we found a parking spot, then walked a few blocks back to her apartment.

Once we were inside I met her roommates, which I didn't think I knew before weren't all girls. One was a very gay guy and another was a straight guy, and another girl.

I can remember once I was there feeling so uncomfortable, mostly because of the straight guy, I felt judged and embarrassed and idk.

So after like a half hour I thanked her but said I needed to go. I left and walked back to my car alone. Ill never forget the feeling of walking alone in New York city, as a girl in heels while it snowed at like 11 pm at night. I was afraid.

Another time I met up with a girl I met online and she helped me buy clothes.

Another time I met up with two friends who I told it was a dare but later told the truth. They let me borrow some of their clothes and helped me shop for more.

Eventually I stopped acting out, and for awhile I was good. Then I would have moments where at night I would suddenly slip back into the Avery mindset all of a sudden, and talk to Avery's friends and look at old photos of out fits if I can find any...(cause Guy me would try to delete all trace of them).

Then one night I woke up suddenly completely in Averys mindset with no resistance what's so ever. I dressed up, but after a few hours came back to Guy me and have been fighting a constant battle against Avery ever since.

Sometimes it's a feeling or a desire, I see a outfit I think is cute and want to try it on. Sometimes I see an attractive girl and think "I wish I was her". Often I can feel myself want to act and do certain manorisims or speech patterns that make me feel like Avery.

Sometimes it's like a fog rolling in, dissolving any opposing thoughts. Not fighting, not destroying, just slowly coming, permeating every part of my brain unstoppably.

OTHER JOURNELS

Sometimes I can almost "hear" Avery talking to me. Sometimes she's nice and sweet, seems to understand why I can't be Avery and is supportive. Sometimes she's very sad and very hurt and very lonely cause I don't let her out. Sometimes shes very angry and demanding and wants to be the only mindset. Sometimes it seems like there is two different Averys.

But often when I return to Guy me, I just feel shame and regret at having been Avery. My faith in Jesus and understanding of Scripture causes me to see transgender as a sin, and I want to be free of this fight, cause if I can't act on it I don't want these feelings. I keep fighting, but sometimes I'm scared all it will take is one day where I "wake up" ok n the wrong mindset and am stuck as Avery or at least cause real havoc to my life.

If it wasn't for my faith, God sustaining me, and my conviction that it was wrong, I honestly think I would have had gender realignment surgery and fully transitioned by the time I was 21.

Part of me is also concerned about the "voices" tho. They aren't audible but seem like more than thoughts, and don't seem generated by "Guy me"

Sometimes I just feel female, I can't explain that. I want to medically transition and live life with no one ever knowing I was male.

And then sometimes I have fantasies of being forced to be female.

And I hate any sexual component but sometimes I guess there is one.

I liked not feeling in control of my self. It's too much responsibility.

I FEEL all this BUT I don't want to experience any GD, trans, or AGP thoughts ANYMORE. I want to live as a cis man in the image of God