My journey with all of this is complicated, and looking back, I see how many different pieces fit together. It started when I was really young, around six years old. I remember preferring to be called "he" and "boy" simply because I liked how the words sounded. It wasn't a deep feeling of being in the wrong body; I just thought the male pronouns were nicer on my ears and that choosing what to call yourself was optional, like picking a nickname. I'm so grateful that no one took that childhood whim seriously, because if they had, it could have set me on a path I didn't truly need.

As I got older, I never felt like I fit in, especially during puberty. I hated the changes in my body, particularly developing breasts. It felt wrong and uncomfortable, but I now see that this was more about puberty discomfort and general low self-esteem than a true gender identity issue. I struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time, and I think I latched onto the idea of transition as a solution. It felt like an escape, a way to become a completely different person and leave all my problems behind. The online communities I was in were very influential; there was a lot of pressure and a sense that if you felt this way, transitioning was the only answer. I saw how friends would encourage each other to transition, even when it might not have been right for them.

I started identifying as non-binary first, which felt like a less drastic step. But the pressure kept building, both from inside myself and from the people around me, to take things further. I ended up taking testosterone for a period of time. It was a confusing time. I felt like I had to keep going to prove I was serious, even when I had doubts.

Eventually, I hit a point where I had to be honest with myself. I realized that my desire to transition was tangled up with a lot of other things: my mental health struggles, my discomfort with my body that was more like body dysmorphia, and a deep-seated need to escape from myself. I started a different kind of therapy, a non-affirming therapy that focused on understanding the root causes of my distress instead of just affirming my gender identity. This was the turning point for me. It helped me untangle everything and see that transition wasn't the right path for me.

I decided to detransition. I stopped taking hormones. I do have some regrets about transitioning. I regret not getting the right kind of help sooner and not understanding my own motivations. I regret the permanent changes the hormones caused. But I don't regret the journey itself because it led me to a place of much greater self-understanding. My thoughts on gender now are that it's a very complex thing, and for some people, medical transition is absolutely necessary, but for others like me, it was a misdiagnosis of deeper issues. I believe strongly that everyone should have access to thorough, exploratory therapy before making such permanent decisions.

Here is a timeline of my journey: