This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the comments provided, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic persona.
The narrative is highly specific, emotionally complex, and internally consistent over time. It details a long, personal history with transition, detransition thoughts, and nuanced regrets (infertility, career, relationships) that are characteristic of genuine, lived experience. The passion and criticism align with the expected perspective of a detransitioner.
About me
I transitioned from female to male twenty years ago and have built a successful life as a man. I now realize my drive to transition was fueled by a desire for an easier career path and a misunderstanding of my own sexuality and trauma. My biggest regret is becoming infertile, as I deeply wanted children but can no longer have them. While I believe my life would have been better if I hadn't transitioned, I feel completely unable to detransition now. I'm left with a good career and a marriage I sometimes feel trapped in, accepting this as the life I've made.
My detransition story
My name isn't important. I'm nearly 40 and I transitioned from female to male when I was 20. I've lived my entire adult life as a man, and to everyone who knows me now, that's just who I am. I'm stealth, meaning no one in my current life knows I was born female. I have a good career in a professional field—think law or finance—where I've done well for myself. I have a nice house, a nice car, and I don't worry about money, which is a big deal after growing up in poverty. I'm married to a wonderful bisexual woman, and we've been together for 16 years.
Looking back, I realize my transition was a mistake, but I have no desire to detransition. It feels like there's no going back. My wife thinks I've just forgotten how difficult it was to be a woman and that I'm becoming transphobic. But for me, it's about realizing I had other issues that I mistook for gender dysphoria.
A lot of my drive to transition came from my career ambitions. In my field, it's a lot easier to be a man. The culture is tough; 12 to 14-hour days are expected, and you have to dress and act a certain way to get ahead. Women can succeed, but they have to work much harder, especially if they want to have children. I saw that clearly. I once joked that the £3600 I paid for my mastectomy was the best career investment I ever made. I got a major promotion at 27, and I later found out one of the reasons was a male interviewer said, "at least we won't need to worry about mat leave." Another big break at 32 came because a female colleague with the same skillset couldn't take a job that required relocation and travel due to childcare, so she recommended me. I chose the easier path. I wanted male privilege because I didn't believe the culture would change in my lifetime, and I wanted an easier life.
But the personal costs have been high. The biggest regret is my infertility. I had a full hysterectomy at 23 for no real medical reason. By the time I was 30, I desperately wanted children. The pain of that loss was unbearable. My wife didn't want to give birth and didn't believe I would pull my weight raising adopted children. She said she'd consider co-parenting with a female partner but didn't trust that I would do my share. That hurt deeply.
I also struggled with my sexuality. I now understand that a big part of my discomfort with my body was actually an unacknowledged fetish, a straight-up pain kink that I was ashamed of. I thought my lack of sexual response and discomfort with being touched was dysphoria, but it wasn't. I remember watching a video of a woman and realizing I wanted that done to my own breasts—but I didn't have them anymore. I wish I had explored my sexuality more as a woman, maybe in a lesbian relationship, before making permanent changes. I also have undiagnosed ADHD and EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), which explains my big, hard-to-control emotions. There's trauma there too; my mother had bad postnatal depression, and my dad was my main carer. I've always been triggered by abandonment fears and found mothering figures scary.
Socially, it's been a long road. It took me 18 years to feel comfortable enough to have a circle of straight male friends. I used to be uncomfortable around their misogyny, but now I'm probably one of them. And while I'm happily married, being stealth creates a terrible dilemma when dating. I felt that not disclosing I was trans was a form of rape, which made me feel trapped even after I was married.
If I could go back and tell my 19-year-old self not to transition, I think I would. I believe my dysphoria would have faded, and I could have had a good life. I would have had more kinky sex, probably settled down and had kids, maybe on my own. I wouldn't have been as successful professionally, but that trade-off might have been worth it. But that life is gone. What I have now is an okay marriage I sometimes feel trapped in and a job that means the world to me. If I detransitioned, I feel like I'd have nothing.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 20 | Started testosterone and began social transition. |
| 23 | Underwent a full hysterectomy. |
| 27 | Received a major promotion, benefitting from being perceived as a man. |
| 30 | Experienced intense grief and regret over infertility. |
| 32 | Received another career advancement due to being a man without childcare responsibilities. |
| 39 (Now) | Realized transition was a mistake driven by career ambition, internalized issues, and a misunderstanding of my sexuality, but have decided not to detransition. |
Top Comments by /u/ObviousAssignment5:
Oh gosh. There are plenty of women in my field. Nice clean gender conforming women. A few lesbians. They have to work harder to get to the same place.
Like me and running. I am an ok runner. If I’ve trained hard I can finish about 1/4 down the pack of men of my age for all 10k. But I have to train 10 x as hard to be an average male runner.
Like I’m going to say?
It’s a traditionally male dominated profession that pays well. Like most jobs it’s niche and specific enough I am identifiable if I gave my title.
Think law/accountancy/it/banking/the city sort of thing. There are thousands of us. We commute from the suburbs with our expensive season tickets, and stagger home at 9pm. We usually have an office and a secretary.
12-14 hour days are expected. We are expected to dress smartly. To get on your face has to fit. Suits for men. Business causal for women. Women tend to be childless or have nannies.
I’m nearly 40, and transitioned at 20. Stealth ftm. Fairly successful in my chosen career. After growing up in poverty I’m proud to be able earn enough for nice house and car, and not worry about bills. Happily married to a lovely bi lady I’ve been with for 16 years. I am usually read as a gay man. I’ve enough internalised homophobia to consider that a failure.
I’m really realising transition was a mistake. But I have no desire to go back. My wife thinks I’ve just forgotten how bad being a woman was, and thinks I’m becoming transphobic, and falling down the GC rabbit hole.
I would find it very difficult to continue to work in my current job if I was out as trans. And obviously if I detransed...
So what have been the tough bits? What do I wish I’d known at 19.
- You will mind the infertility
I had a hysterectomy at 23 for no reason. When I was 30 I really really wanted children. The pain was unbearable.
My wife didn’t. She didn’t want to give birth, and didn’t believe I’d actually pull my weight to raise adopted children. She said she wouldn’t mind co parenting with a female partner, but wouldn’t believe that I would raise the kids. That hurt.
- Meeting a partner will be tough
I’m stealth. I don’t want to disclose I’m trans on Tindr. But if I don’t it’s rape. Ok so I’m married. But I feel trapped in a marriage that isn’t always happy.
- Male friends are hard to find
It’s took 18 years to be comfortable enough with straight guys to have a circle of male friends. I wasn’t comfortable around misogynistic straight men. I am now. Probably one of them.
- Sexuality. Know it first.
The big drivers for me to transition were being uncomfortable with being a GNC woman. Back then my job wasn’t open to GNC women. I would have had to perform femininity
. The other was a discomfort with being touched, and lack of sexual response which I assumed was dysphoria. Turned out it was just that I had a fetish I wouldn’t admit to myself. But I wouldn’t admit I was kinky. Turned out I just had a straight forward pain fetish. Bollox. Wish I’d had a chance to play in a lesbian relationship. I remember watching a video of a woman having something awful done to her boobs. Her boobs were exactly like mine. And I realised I really wanted to have that done to my boobs. Which I didn’t have any more.
- You have Undiagnosed ADHD and EUPD
In the last couple of years I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ve got ADHD and EUPD. Much easier to get decent care with a chequebook. I have big emotions and struggle to control them.
- Trauma. So yeah maybe you want to unpack that
I can’t remember being abused by my mother, but she did have bad pnd, I get triggered by abandonment fears. So my dad was my main carer and I’ve always found women doing mothering a bit scary.
If I could go back in time and tell my 19 year old self not to transition. Would I?
In one way, yes it’s tough and I would have had a pretty good life and the dysphoria would have faded.
I would have had far more kinky sex, then mainly settled down and had kids. Possibly alone. I would have not been as successful professionally. I honestly can’t imagine that life. But it’s gone. No way back to it.
What I have is a ok marriage, that I feel a bit trapped in, and a job that means the world to me.
If I detrans I’ll have nothing.
Definitely yes!
Only because I am read as a cis man. If I was out as FTM it would be much harder.
Not when we were graduate trainees, but when the women began having children then they got left behind.
I have joked that the £3600 I paid for mastectomy was a great investment.
Couldn’t do the days we did. Kept have to relocate for partners career.
Two big breaks.
I got a promotion at 27, where I was the only male applicant interviews (only 3 interviewed). I later heard from the chair of the Interview panel informally.
Apparently I scored the best in the competency based interview. Then the male interviewer joked ‘at least we won’t need to worry about mat leave’. The chair was horrified and made a complaint with HR.
When I was 32 I got another big break. By then I had a very specific set of skills, and most of us with them knew one another. The employer wanted someone with these skills for a role that would involve relocation and travel. They first approached a female colleague, but she couldn’t make it fit in with child care, so she suggested they contact me.
Thank you.
I’ve thought about this a lot.. you say
‘How about if we fix the culture, rather than trying to reinvent biology?’
Why am I enjoying male privilege and not fighting the good fight?
Because I don’t think we’ll fix the culture in my life time. I only get one go at life, and I want the route that is easier for me.
I really love being mainstream and perceived as ‘Cis her’. Its the biggest weight off my mind.
Yeah I’m a coward.
This was written as a letter to my former self. I hope that is obvious.
A lot of people don’t change their mind, and some people do. I don’t think facts should ever be seen as harmful.
I’ve tried to find some figures: 25% of US women regret being sterilised.
So that means 3/4 don’t regret it. Here’s the study
That does sound like AGP. Doesn’t HRT take the sex drive away a bit? Which rather defeats the point.
I found accepting my fetish, but keeping it in the bedroom helps.
Lots of people like being tied up and spanked, but very few become 24/7 sex slaves.
I’ve obviously thought about this a lot. I first thought I may be trans in the late 1980s. I’ve read everything I could find on it since 1994. I’ve been in ‘ trans communities’ since 1999.
I think that throughout history there have been people who feel they do not fit in their body or assigned gender role. They have all found different ways of processing. Suicide seems not to have been a common option. But if people didn’t have the words to express distress, but couldn’t bear to be alive, you may not have know why they killed themselves.
When medical transition was first proposed the doctors doing it were overwhelmed with people desperate for it.
The modern meme of ‘I’m so dysphoric I’ll kill myself’ is frankly just a silly trend. I think that transition is a solution that attracts people with a myriad of problems.