I really relate to this. I, too, got caught up in this world and also got out before making any medical decisions, partly because I grew out of it as a social phase and partly because I after my mental health improved, I was able to see more clearly that I had been motivated not by true gender dysphoria but by other problems and was just grasping for a "diagnosis", a community, and a reason to believe that I was persecuted to explain my unhappiness.

Now I, like you, struggle with beliefs that are "unspeakable." I know I'm not transphobic, but then I see comments I agree with get absolutely ripped on Twitter and accounts banned, and I hear my friends call people TERFs and scum for publicly sharing thoughtful opinions that don't actually promote any kind of hate. So I know I have to stay silent or I will lose my friends, many of whom still identify as trans or NB.

I often feel very alone and confused, and I feel cowardly for not speaking up for what I believe to be true, that some people are getting damaged in this fight. But I'm also scared that I'm wrong and constantly questioning my sanity because I have always been so progressive and I just don't understand how everyone, EVERYONE I know could be so wrong about this when they're so very sure.

And if I dip my toes into the GC waters, there are some real rightwing nutjobs, and also some who probably started out as an ally but have just lost their humanity along the way and now just laugh at trans people.

It's very isolating. So even though I am sorry that you too are struggling, I am glad to read your thoughts and see that there is someone else in the same boat as me, saying... This is crazy! But I'm not a transphobe... Am I?? What is going on??

Yes, I think a lot of gender dysphoria is body dysmorphia. If you look at parts of your body and think "This doesn't belong here" or "This isn't what I should look like," that is body dysmorphia, whether it is gender-related or not.

I'm only a desister, and although I think hatred of my body was one of the things that led me into "transness," I don't think I ever had that true dysphoria/dysmorphia that you are describing. So I don't want to overstep and come off like I think I'm an expert. I'm certainly out of my depth in this area.

But I do just want to say this: You are only 19 years old, which is so young. I don't say that to be condescending; I just mean that when I think back on myself at that age... well, I'm just glad I didn't make any permanent body-altering decisions. You are an adult, but in my experience it take until your mid-20s to settle into who you are and be more sure of what you want. By then you'll probably settle into yourself, and if you don't, you'll be a lot wiser about what you want and what you can expect. Keep binding if it helps you, but don't make any decisions about a breast reduction.

Thank you for sharing! Your story is interesting and moving. I'm sorry you are burdened with regret.

I hope you can be kind to your body now in a way that you were not able to be when you were younger, including the parts of your body that reflect the decisions you made when you were less sure of yourself.

The intersex experience has been somehow sort of globbed in with the transgender community in a way that doesn't make great sense. I'm sorry people call you transphobic for sharing your own experience. They are scared for what your story might say about them to someone else. You don't owe anyone silence.

Thanks for this! I think because there are so few mainstream channels for GC people to communicate their ideas without being banned, some of them are attracted to this sub, and I'm happy that this is a space where people can discuss things that are taboo elsewhere.

Unfortunately, that includes people with extreme and/or judgmental views who are using the sub to air their grievances and attack anyone even considering transition. I've seen way too many harsh and cruel responses to people who come here with dysphoria or trauma, hoping for understanding.

It cannot just be a dumping ground for opinions not allowed in other subs. If people cannot share their experiences and questions without the trust that the answers will be thoughtful and rooted in support, the whole thing will collapse and become an unofficial GC sub full of political arguments instead of personal care.

I appreciate this delicate balance the mods must walk!

To me it sounds like you're struggling with intrusive thoughts, not gender dysphoria. You need help from a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist, but be careful; affirmation-only guidelines have made many in the mental health field too trigger-happy with transitioning. If you were born a girl and you love being a girl, you are not trans! Good luck with everything.

This guy is honest and is asking for help. He isn't taking his dick out in the locker room or competing against women in the Olympics. He's not barging in demanding anything. He is in pain. It is possible to transition and still acknowledge reality. There's no need to be cruel.

OP, please try to extend the same kindness to yourself that you would give to others. You are not destroyed and your body is not destroyed. But if you took your own life, then you would be, and you would also destroy your mother, who I can promise you would never recover for the rest of her days. You are trapped inside your head right now. Please give yourself time to keep growing up.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve that. It will pass.

I think it's really wise to have that kind of insight about yourself, to be able to step back from something you've been counting on to fix you and to wonder if it's addressing the real issue. This is especially difficult to do when it's all bound up with your identity and with shame, so I really admire you for that.

Your worries about getting the surgery and not getting the surgery are all based on the perceptions of others. Will other people like how I look? Will the wrong people like how I look? Your instinct to question that the external change might not remove the internal struggle is sharp.

If you came here to ask this question, I think you are probably scared and want someone to reassure you that you don't have to do it. You don't. When in doubt, apply the brakes. You can always do it, but you can never undo it. Take some more time to think it over, and relax. Be nice to yourself.

This is heartbreaking to read. Please take a deep breath and try to relax, and believe this: You will be okay. Your feelings right now will not last forever.

You are dealing with not only gender dysphoria, but very serious hatred of your own body that is obsessive and will not go away no matter how much you work out or how many surgeries you get. The problem is in your mind, not your hips, so you need to treat your mind.

Reading your descriptions of your body is very like listening to someone with a severe eating disorder describe their body. They can get thinner and thinner until their bones are sticking out, but they can never get thin enough because their perception of themselves is distorted and because they are addicted to punishing themselves.

You do not deserve to feel this way about yourself. Please prioritize your mental health and seek therapy. I know that depression saps the energy that is required to even bother to get help, and then god forbid you don't like the first therapist you talk to and have to look AGAIN! But you deserve the help and you don't have to live this way. Do yourself this kindness.

Do you think you'd be able to find a neutral therapist? It might do you some good to focus on the inside instead of the outside for a while. You don't deserve to walk around feeling like you aren't quite right, and if that's your MO, you will probably always find some goal you can't reach, some standard you can't measure up to. You don't need to "pass" as anything, and you don't have to feel like a fraud or a failure.