My name isn't important. I’m a woman from the Netherlands, and I’m writing this to try and make sense of my own story. My transition journey is over, and I’m left with the permanent consequences.

It started when I was a teenager. I was a confused girl with a big imagination, but no one took that seriously. When I was an adult and said I was a man, however, everyone believed me instantly. Looking back, that feels incredibly unfair. I think a lot of my feelings came from a place of deep pain and trauma that I hadn't dealt with. I hated my body, especially my breasts, and I think I was trying to escape from being me.

I went all the way with medical transition. I took testosterone and I had all the surgeries, including bottom surgery. I was fully convinced this was what I needed to be happy. But the trans community I was in felt dishonest. It was all about validating every feeling without any question, and if you were honest, you were accused of gaslighting. I never really fit in there because I couldn't ignore that feeling.

The big, life-changing realization didn't come from therapy—I never found a therapist who understood—it came during an experience with LSD. On that trip, I saw clearly that my transition was the biggest mistake of my life. It was a terrifying truth, and I spent over a year running from it, trying to convince myself the reasons I thought of while high weren't real. But they were. I finally had to stop and face it.

Now, I’m completely off testosterone. But the damage is done. My body is permanently changed. My face is completely male; I pass 100% as a man. Even my own family and friends, who knew me as a girl, tell me they can’t see a woman in me anymore. I can’t get any female hormones because I’m now legally assigned male. I don’t even know if I still have ovaries or if they work. I’m likely infertile.

I’m filled with so much regret and grief. People talk about grieving like you’ve become disabled, and that’s not far from what this feels like. There are things I still love in my life, but I feel blind to them because the pain and regret are so overwhelming. I don’t know where I fit anymore. I can’t afford things like hair removal because doctors say I’m a man and it’s not covered, and I can’t go into debt trying to fix it.

I don’t regret my name change, as I did that for trauma reasons unrelated to transition, and I won’t be changing it back. Dealing with detransition is forcing me to deal with all that old trauma all over again.

My thoughts on gender now are simple: it’s not a fairytale. I got so caught up in the idea that changing my looks would change my reality, but it didn’t. The reality is my female body is gone, and I’m left living in a physical reality that doesn’t match who I know I am. I have serious regrets about transitioning. I wish someone had questioned me more, had helped me deal with my trauma instead of just affirming my escape.