My whole journey with this started when I was 52. I was bored with my life and feeling pretty low, and then I started seeing stuff about transitioning online. It seemed to pop up everywhere in my feeds, even though I never looked for it. I got this idea that it would be a fun diversion, a way to escape from how I was feeling. I decided to start taking estrogen, buying it myself without a doctor.

The changes started almost right away. My emotions were all over the place, and I began to grow breasts. At first, it felt amazing. The estrogen made me feel like a beautiful young woman, and I loved the way it softened my emotions and made me feel more connected to women. I even changed my name to one that could be for a man or a woman. For a while, I was totally set on the idea and even thought about getting bottom surgery. I was convinced this was the right path.

But then, a couple of years in, things started to shift. I had a really disturbing experience the very first day I took hormones. I got very stoned on cannabis and had a kind of vision. I saw myself a few years down the line with breasts and in women's clothes, and the image felt bizarre and wrong. It freaked me out so much that I stopped using cannabis for over two years because every time I did, that same unsettling feeling would come back, showing me how others might see me.

I started to realise I would never actually look like a woman. I’m a tall man, and no amount of hormones was going to change that basic fact. I began to notice people staring, laughing, and taking pictures of me when I was out in public. It was exhausting and really hurtful. I travelled to a few different countries, and it was the same everywhere. In Nepal, people pointed and laughed every day. In Cambodia, it was even worse. I used to love swimming and going to the beach, but I became too self-conscious to do any of that anymore. Having breasts as a man is not easy to hide, and it makes you a target.

Around this time, I found gender-critical forums and communities online. Their views made a lot more sense to me than the trans ideology I saw in other spaces. I never believed a man could become a woman; I just thought I could enjoy feminine things. I started to see the whole trans movement as a kind of groupthink or even mind control. The online trans communities felt like an echo chamber, just the same few topics on a loop, and they were very quick to ban anyone who questioned anything. I got banned from several groups just for having a different opinion.

I started to pull back. I took surgery off the table completely after I saw some post-op pictures; it looked horrifying and final. I stopped hormones a few times to see how I felt. Every time I stopped, my old male self would start to come back, and I didn't like him. I felt more stable and happier on estrogen; it changed my personality, my outlook, and my emotions in a way I preferred. But being on it caused me health problems—stomach issues, a painful lump in my chest, and eczema in places I never had it before. I started to worry about the long-term effects and being dependent on big pharma for the rest of my life.

I’ve ended up in a kind of middle ground. I don’t identify as trans. I think that’s a stupid idea. I present as a male in public now—I cut my hair and gave away most of my women's clothes and makeup—but I still sometimes take a low dose of estrogen because I like how it makes me feel on the inside. I’m just a somewhat feminine man. It’s confusing to have a body and mind that don’t match, but I’m trying to just be myself without labels.

Looking back, I have a lot of regrets. I feel like I was groomed by the internet and social media. I was influenced by what I was seeing online and got swept up in something without thinking it through. I think a lot of young people are being brainwashed into this, and it breaks my heart. If I had seen an honest therapist at the start, I never would have gone down this path. My transition damaged my relationship with my adult son, and it’s been incredibly lonely. I lost friends over it. I’m now married to a wonderful woman who accepts me, but it was a close thing; she nearly left when I told her about my past.

I believe my desire to transition was related to autogynephilia (AGP)—a sexual interest in the idea of myself as a woman—and a form of escapism. It was also a way to shock people, something I’ve enjoyed since I was a teenager dressing as a punk. But it wasn’t worth the cost. The constant discrimination, the health worries, and the loss of my old life have been devastating. My main thought on gender now is that it’s all nonsense. We don’t need labels. You can be a man who likes feminine things without trying to become a woman. We’re just men and women playing with image. The most important thing is to be true to yourself and not get caught up in ideologies that demand everyone agree with you.