I don't mind the term, I've come to acceptance that butch or stud ( is what we call it in the Black community) is what I've always been since I was young "inbetween" is the new term I like to use, as nonbinary wannabe gatekeepers have irked my nerves with all of their "rules". I just use nonbinary to connect with other like minded people that feel inbetween or genderless..

I am trying to juggle my masculinity and femininity, and it hasn't been easy. Especially when you look in the mirror and realize you don't know who's staring back at you anymore. It actually feels worse than pre T some days. I feel like if masculine women were celebrating when I was a kid I most likely wouldn't have started T. I may be stuck like this. But I hope more young girls realize that it's okay to be masculine and still embrace being born female and don't ruin their lives. Thanks for reading.

I switched to the T gel earlier this year. My levels have dropped significantly. After years of poking myself I was over it. Haven't had my levels checked in about 6 months though so not sure. Haven't talked to my endo about estrogen. I've researched a few topicals. Idk if I want to though. My doctors have been great about supporting my decisions whenever I come to them about something.

Did you read anything they said? They were born male and their mother forced them to transition to a girl because she didn't want her son to be gay. What are you even saying? This is insensitive and misinformation. Once he goes off of estrogen his testosterone will eventually come all the way back. He'll be able to grow facial hair and his body composition will change, breast tissue will get smaller, everything will revert back. It's different when afab stop taking T. The results of testosterone are permanent, unfortunately. Fat redistribution may happen.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It definitely resonates. I plan to gender marker change next year from M to X ...only bc it looks pretty bad ass and rebelish. I don't know how to explain I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed maybe even alienated trying to embrace womanhood after living as a male since a teen. I feel out of place like im invading space. It's sad that masculine afabs are made to feel this way, especially after being on T for a long period. Like Idc how many surgeries I've had I was still born a girl, society can't take that away from me.

I also feel like having a beard and trying to embrace my femininity can put me in harms way now and make me vulnerable to abuse. Homophobes / transphobes could mistake me as a gay man or trans woman in early transition, and try to harm me because they have issues. I've never experienced harm in that way. I've seen many stories though, terrible stories of Black trans women being murdered at alarming numbers. I've even seen a few videos of them being attacked for no reason. I carry protection but it's always in the back of my mind.

I do have to admit though it has been feeling so good to stop identifying as a man. This is my first year of just feeling free of that.

Do you have any tips on facial hair? I don't foresee myself going the electrolysis route. I've only ever shaved with clippers. I'm waiting on my order, for the first time I'm going to shave with a razor. I'm hoping it will give me the smooth face I miss. But also saddened that my hair grows so fast I will probably have to shave every other day. I wish there was a reverse medicine.

I've had support through everything. My family wouldn't care I identify as a zebra cheetah. Even with all of their support, calling me chosen pronouns and name, being there for surgeries etc. It still didn't help me with depression. If anything it enabled my indenity crisis. Love them to pieces though. They've only wanted to see me happy. They didn't know that I felt like I was dying on the inside despite it all.

The fact of the matter is hormones isn't the solution for everyone, even if we think that it is at the time. I've recently told them I identify as nonbinary and explain that it means I feel inbetween. And they said, okay, whatever makes you happy baby (lol)

I iterally started balling my eyes out because I feel like I ruined my life and wasted so much time and missed out on so many opportunities. Also the fact that I have to live the rest of my life as a bearded woman sucks, even with being more masculine leaning. The days where I want to feel pretty and be more feminine looking I feel ugly. So I have to cope with that. I've been researching biological women with beards. Women with facial hair is actually more than I thought. Most just shave it from embarrassment. But it seems to be a growing community that's embracing it.

My mom tells me not to focus on the things I can't change, because I can't get those 17 years back. I have to move forward and not let these thoughts consume me. I'm taking it a day at a time. I'll be 34 years old next year. I may have lost my youth, but I plan to take advantage of the last of my "mature" years if you will.