I wanna preface this by saying there are people out there willing to talk to you and sit with you through these moments.. For example 1-800-273-8255.

I've read your entire post many, many times. I am deeply saddened and feel tremendously for you.. I am sorry you've gone through this.. I notice you use alot of labels, and talk about ideas, and subjects that are commonplace on social media but are not as prevalent or important in a day to day life.

Perhaps removing yourself from all forms of social media, for a set period of time, would be healing, renewing, and refreshing to your mind. Stop listening to harmful people on the internet that only misguide and fill your head full of ideas and fantasies of how your life could/should be if you did this or that.

You realize there are 7.888 billion people in the world and you claim to speak for all of them? How do you know there is not a man or woman out there that will love you for you. You don't!! Your mind is lying to you.

Why is dating such a focus for you? A partner is not going to "fix" any of your woes. Focusing on self and learning to love self properly and wholly is where you need to start. Do this and a partner will eventually arrive.

You say you dislike women and anytime a man refers to you as one you desire to harm yourself, perhaps this is something to be examined with a therapist. Not so much the SIB but the root cause.. What is causing you to dislike women, and self harm when referred to as one.

You are giving what others think about you too much weight, allowing it to take up too much space in your mind.. Why? Do not care what others think.. Be you, be bold, and live in the truth. You're a masculine woman, who likes masculine things and who likes appearing masculine. Give no mind to others. I do not hate you and I'm sure most here do not hate you as well..

You may not be able to relate to others here.. but I can tell you I can relate to your statements.. "Not wanting to exist anymore." "Wanting to be dead instead of being your birth sex." These same thoughts rolled around my mind and tormented me.

Instead of focusing on how we all have different motivations for desiring transition perhaps you should focus on the lie we've all been sold..Focus on that! Get angry be mad! Then use that for something positive. Focus on helping each other, focus on building up each other up, not on tearing each other down. We are all broken.. We were all sold the same lie.. We are much more alike than most want to admit.

You are not stuck.. Though you may feel it.. Time continues to pass and this moment and these thoughts and feelings will too. Gratitude and Thanksgiving work wonders at combating these negative self talk patterns.. Start slow and each day make a list of the things you are thankful for..

This community does not seem to enjoy when I wear my preacher hat.. but oh well.. It is a life we are talking about here, your life! Your precious life.. Have you considered reaching out to God? The bible says he is close to people that are broken hearted.. The bible also says once you call upon him he will never leave nor forsake you. God loves you.. I love you.. I do not want you to take your life.. You and your life are worth soooooo much more than you're giving credit..

I am going to be as lovingly honest as I can. Firstly, YouTube is social media.. It is media (entertainment) where many gather and interact. (social) You said you watch it all day.. I agree with what another poster here said.. Spend some time outside, be in the sunshine, gaze into the blue sky, feel the grass between your toes, smell the fresh air, listen and watch how the wind moves through the trees.

Stop the constant comsumption of media. Sit alone with yourself and reflect.. Think YOUR thoughts and feel YOUR feelings.. If you haven't done this in years it will be painful.. but the more you take time for yourself the less painful and easier it will become and eventually you'll find yourself at ease. You might even begin to enjoy it.

Secondly, the truth is you cannot have what you want! I am sorry..I am not going to lie to you and I am not going to sugarcoat it. You cannot be biological male! Until you yield this resistance to truth and accept that you can be a masculine woman; I am afraid you will remain in this state. I fear for your life.. I suggest you explore the root of this resistance with a therapist.

Thirdly, reading your words I can't help but notice a tinge of anger and hostility towards your parents, women, and femininity in general. Not all women have the toxic traits you speak of.. You've felt pressure your entire life to conform to these undesirable toxic traits, I understand, and since you refuse to conform you've experienced trauma.. Explore this with a therapist. Unfortunately the women of the world we live in today more often than not embrace these traits, that does not mean you have to. It is okay to dislike these traits as they're toxic and evil.

Hello, I am sorry to hear your battling such conflicting ideas about how to view yourself; being in such a state for a prolonged period of time can be and is exhausting as well as confusing. I hope and pray my words can provide you with what you are here seeking.

Battling and going against the truth will always be a fruitless effort, the truth always wins. You can be a feminine man, you can be gay, but you cannot be a woman. You were born a man. However, you can be a man that looks and behaves like a woman, but in doing so will bring great shame upon you.

Perhaps the reason you feel disgusted is guilt and shame from revealing your nakedness to strangers online. In a way you are prostituting the likeness of your body by giving it away for the desires of yourself and others. Stop, and watch how much better you begin to feel.. Stop and watch as these thoughts you're battling begin to subside.. You are worth so much more!!

You shower afterwards in attempt to cleanse yourself and remove the shame and guilt you feel.. It does make you feel better for awhile as the water has a temporary cleansing effect but the feelings come creeping back that is because the devil is a liar!

You say your soul always feels like a woman..What does that even mean? What is a male soul? What is a female soul? Truth is souls do not have a sex.. There is no male or female soul.. There simply is, or isn't.

The body you're given at birth is what determines your sex. Maybe it is your soul contains more LOVE than others, and due to this world that wants to label everything, you and the world have mistakenly perceived that LOVE as something other than what it is. It is a wonderful thing to be a man with a HUGE loving heart, this world needs more men with loving hearts!!

Perhaps you are struggling coming to terms with your biological identity and the social expectations thereof. I love you brother. I pray the confusion be removed from your mind and you begin to think clearly and embrace truth.

I believe that the rhetoric of love is love is harmful and ruins people and their lives.. Acceptance is not love, but is indifference. Being a hypocrite would be to continue down the path of transition and then say it's wrong for others; however, stepping out of transition and warning others of the destruction it brought to you and will bring to them is one of the purest forms of love.

I believe that love warns and disciplines.. Our parents did not hate us when they disciplined us and sent us to our rooms as children for misbehaving; this was, and is a result of their love towards us. Love does not willingly allow individuals to harm themselves or lead them down the wrong path; love chastens and corrects.

Sit with these questions and answer them in depth to yourself. I agree there are inherit differences between male and female, it's the truth.

Instead of being someone who is tormented by what you can't have. Settle for what you can. Accept you're a woman who desires to be a man, and that influences you towards masculine expression.

If you truly walk the walk men will accept you into their spaces. You'll grow on them and be seen as one of the boys. Those that don't accept you, your truth and expression aren't even worth your time as they've got evil in their hearts.

Maimed is an amazing word that perfectly describes the result of any body modification surgery.

Maim - verb - wound or injure (someone) so that part of the body is permanently damaged.

I've had an orchiectomy. Due to the surgery my body is permanently damaged (maimed) and as result I cannot have children.

We are all humans and we all make mistakes. There is no need to hate yourself. You say you never socially transitioned but speak of going back?Forgive me but your statement is abit confusing to me.. Six years of HRT to never fully express yourself as feminine, to what end? What was your reason for starting HRT?

You've undergone irreversible surgeries, there is no going back, only moving forward. I understand you're unhappy with your body but hate? Your body works tirelessly to keep you alive it is something to be cherished, nourished, and loved.

I've had an orchi and stopping estrogen did not make me suicidal in fact it provided great clarity to my mind and thought patterns. Toward the end of my transition estrogen made me needlessly emotional brought anxiety, jealousy, and health problems. Stopping estrogen and beginning detransition brought me face to face with the reality, as result of my actions, that I will never be able to have my own children and that was quite depressing and I felt great shame for what I'd done to my body..On the other hand I enjoy the result of orchi for lust does not have any power over me..

What you do now is up to you.. Not a single soul can tell you what to do.. What do YOU want to do?

I am sorry to hear you're going through a season of struggling, what you're experiencing is extremely difficult to process and navigate. You are not alone in your struggle; many others have walked this path to self acceptance. Be with them. Explore other's perspectives. Seek guidance, and ask questions. There is not a one size fits all answer. The answer is unique and individualized as such are you. It is for you find. There is help and support out there.. Keep looking.

I can give you the truth. Transition and hormones will push these feelings (dysphoria) to the deepest, darkest places of the mind, not remove them.. One may not have to think about or feel them for sometime and one may feel happier and relieved, for the moment..

In my case, eventually the dysphoria began to creep its way back into my existence through thoughts similar to "you'll never be a cis(man/woman)" alongside jealousy, depression, pain, hatred, and regret. Now there is additional complicated feelings to wrestle with, and questions. Why couldn't I just accept myself as birth sex? Why did I need to complicate the situation and cause these heavy feelings to pile up? What did running from myself accomplish? I've ran a circle, right back, to where I started but now I'm carrying more.

Why?? Well, because it is all about learning! A bit clique but, we are all trying to find ourselves.. Sometimes we must be what we are not to find and accept who and what we are.

Best advice I can offer is not to worry what others think of you. Additionally you should not worry about: "being a woman, body parts, or reproduction," until the time for worrying about such things arises. Society wants to put labels on everything.. Do not prescribe to their labels.. You are a human. You are a woman having complicated feelings about her life and gender. Truth is the weapon to defeat these labels. Worry about today and the things of today that are deserving of your attention. Focus your attention on your job, hobby, school, business, family.. When your mind is truly occupied with these things you'll be surprised how little space is left for dysphoria.

Perhaps with a therapist, you should begin to address, process, and integrate why you feel, you struggle with everything to do with being a woman. As you do and as time passes, it will become less intense. To start it will hurt and it will take time. Be patient and allow yourself time and opportunity to explore as many perspectives as you like..

Thanks for your post, I love it and the discussion it has and will continue to generate.. Though tough we (trans/detrans) need to have these discussions. We need to come together and support each other. We need to love each other. You speak of and use the word repression alot.. What is repression? (Inhibit, prevent, subdue, restrain?)

To promote transition? To promote detransition? I'd wager that whichever side you pick you are also pushing repression. I pick the truth..and by choosing truth I also indirectly choose to promote detrans. If my choice to promote truth and detransition is disgusting to you so be it.

To push detransition is to promote the truth and is loving.. To promote transition is to surpress the truth and accept, as well as support, an individual's agency regardless of the consequences. Pride is sin. This snowflake world does not enjoy tough love but it is often required in circumstances such as these.

Sides, and separation.. Can we bring that into this conversation.. It is a rising trend among the members of this subreddit.. Why is that? Why all the labels, and categories? We are all human. We are all flawed. We all make mistakes.. We are all capable of love.. let us conduct ourselves toward each other in such a manner.

Yes, there is plenty of research showing transition, "did appear" to improve the quality of life. What a wonderful choice of words.. Did appear? Well did it or did it not? For how long? Most if not all studies on transition are funded by and are working to promote an agenda, why would they allow any contradictory evidence to be studied let alone published.

Self hating trans people? All trans people? Is that not the foundation of most if not all trans..They dislike, or even hate: some part of, or aspect of, or stereotype of, or role of the body they've been given at birth.

This is how I see it. Transition is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute! It leads to destruction.. I do not want to see anyone willingly or unwillingly destroy themselves.. So I offer the truth! Sharing the truth is like handing them a parachute.. Accept the truth, wear the 'chute, avoid destruction. Accept not the truth and continue on to destruction; but at any point on the way down, they can choose to wear the 'chute, for they've known the truth and the choice to acknowledge it rests upon them.

Hope this makes sense and brings about thoughtful and positive discussion.

I detransitioned not due to lack of access to care, but because, I came to the realization that I was killing myself and would end up dying much sooner if I kept on that path. The end of that path, for me, was hell for eternity.

I detransitioned because I realized that I was suppressing the truth and the wrath of God remained on me and destruction, from the enemy, began to enter all areas of my life. When I repented for my sins and asked for forgiveness I was forgiven and given the Holy Ghost. Thereafter, began to experience the true selfless, unconditional love of our LORD and savior Jesus Christ, and I realized (with his help) that what I had been searching for the entire time could only be found in Christ.