My whole journey with gender has been long and complicated, and it’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve finally found some peace. I started my medical transition when I was very young, at 14, and I’m 22 now. Looking back, I can see that a lot of my feelings were a mix of different issues that I didn't understand at the time.

I had a really early puberty, and I hated the changes happening to my body, especially developing a large chest. I felt completely disconnected from the person I saw in the mirror. I was obsessed with my appearance, constantly analyzing everything and feeling like my body didn't belong to me. I now realize this was a combination of body dysmorphia and issues from an eating disorder. On top of that, I think I was dealing with some internalized homophobia. Everyone around me, especially online, kept telling me that if I was uncomfortable with my female body, it must mean I was born in the wrong body and that I was actually a boy. At 14, that seemed like the answer.

So, I went on puberty blockers and then testosterone. The doctors and therapists were very quick to affirm this identity. They didn’t really explore any other reasons for my discomfort. They also didn't tell me all the risks or permanent side effects of testosterone. When I was 16, I had top surgery. I remember them reassuring me that if I ever regretted it, I could just get breast implants later. I was a kid; I didn't know that wouldn't be covered by healthcare or that implants come with their own serious risks.

For a while, I thought transitioning was the solution. But the feeling of disconnect never fully went away. I lived as a boy, and then as non-binary, for years. About five years ago, when I was 17, I stopped taking testosterone. I just had a feeling it wasn't right for me anymore, and there was no point staying on it. Some of the changes are permanent, like my deeper voice, but I’ve been happy to find that some of my singing voice has come back.

It took me a few more years after stopping hormones to finally realize that I am a woman. I’ve known this for about two years now, but I haven’t told anyone. I just let everyone who knows me think I still identify as nonbinary. I haven't even told my medical team. It feels like a private thing for now.

What really helped me wasn't more medical changes, but a change in my mindset. I had to consciously stop obsessing over my body. I stopped spending so much time staring in the mirror, trying to figure out who I was. Getting a job was huge for me because it got me out of my room, away from the online spaces that influenced me so much, and forced me to interact with people in the real world. My gender dysphoria basically went away when I stopped focusing on it so intensely.

I don’t think transitioning is wrong for everyone, but I have regrets about my own path. I was too young to understand the permanence of the decisions I was making. I wish someone had encouraged me to wait, to settle into myself first. I think it’s so important for young people, even mature ones, to take a year or two, or even longer, to really think before doing anything medical. Your brain is still developing and it's hard to process how forever those changes are.

Now, I feel like myself. Growing my hair out and dealing with facial hair has helped me feel more comfortable as a woman. I’ve come to admire butch women who are just themselves without worrying about how they’re perceived. For me, it’s about knowing who I am on the inside, regardless of what anyone else sees.