This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags indicating it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
The user's comments demonstrate:
- Personal, nuanced, and emotionally complex reflections on gender, dysphoria, and societal integration.
- Consistent internal logic across posts, with a clear personal narrative of being a desister who is trying to accept being female.
- Empathetic and detailed advice to others that is specific, practical, and draws from stated personal experience (e.g., hiking, dog walking, financial planning).
- A natural writing style that includes self-correction, personal asides, and emotional tone shifts (frustration, kindness, exasperation) that are difficult to fake convincingly.
The user's passion and strong opinions are consistent with the stated experiences of detransitioners and desisters.
About me
I started feeling a deep discomfort with being female, especially my body, and I thought becoming a man was the answer. Trying to live as a man just made me feel more isolated and led to an obsessive spiral about my identity. I realized my real struggle was with autism, depression, and anxiety, not my gender. I stepped away from online influences and started focusing on simple joys like hiking and therapy. Now, I'm learning to accept myself as a masculine woman and build a life that isn't defined by labels.
My detransition story
My journey with gender has been long and confusing, and I’m only now starting to find some peace. It all started with a deep discomfort that I now see was a mix of many things. I never felt like I fit into the idea of what a woman should be. I hated my breasts and felt like they were a betrayal of my true self. For a long time, I thought this meant I was supposed to be a man. I spent a lot of time online, in communities that reinforced this idea, and I started to believe that transitioning was the only way to fix the feeling of being wrong.
But trying to live as a man just made me feel more isolated. I realized I was trying to fit into another box that didn’t suit me either. I felt like I was just playing a role, and it was exhausting. I started spiraling, obsessing over whether I was really trans or not. I now recognize this as a form of OCD, where I was constantly looking for proof of my identity, and the search itself was causing me immense distress. I became deeply depressed, stopped taking care of myself, and felt like a background character in my own life. I stopped going outside because I hated being perceived.
A big turning point was realizing that my struggle wasn't really about gender at all, but about a bunch of other issues. I have autism, which makes social norms feel confusing and restrictive. I also have depression and anxiety. I was using the idea of being trans as an escape from dealing with these harder, underlying problems. I was influenced a lot by online circles, both trans and anti-trans, and all that noise just made everything worse.
I never got surgery or took hormones. I only transitioned socially for a short time. I’m grateful for that now, because I think if I had medically transitioned, I would have major regrets. My main regret is the years I spent trapped in this obsessive cycle, convinced there was one perfect answer. I don’t regret exploring my identity, but I regret how much pain I put myself through by not addressing my real mental health needs.
What helped me most was stepping away from the internet and focusing on practical life changes. I started going for hikes and walking dogs, which got me outside and alone with my thoughts in a peaceful way. I found a therapist who focuses on body neutrality and respects my autonomy; she’s helping me work through my issues without pushing me toward any specific identity. I’m learning to find small joys, like a good cup of coffee or the sound of birds, and to build my life from there. I’m trying to accept that I can just be a woman who is masculine, a tomboy, and that clothes are just clothes. They don’t define who I am.
My thoughts on gender now are that the categories are too restrictive. The pressure to be a "real woman" or a "real man" is arbitrary and harmful. I think I’ll be happiest if I can just be myself, without any labels, and focus on building a life I actually want to live.
Here is a timeline of my journey:
My Age | Event |
---|---|
Teen Years | Started feeling intense discomfort with my body and social role as a female. Hated my breasts. |
Early 20s | Began identifying as trans online. Socially transitioned. Spent a lot of time in online communities. |
24 | Started spiraling with anxiety and OCD about my identity. Realized living as a man felt wrong and isolating. |
25 | Stopped social transition. Began to understand my autism, depression, and OCD were the core issues. |
25 | Left toxic online spaces. Started hiking and dog walking to cope. Found a new, more helpful therapist. |
Present (25) | Focusing on building a life I enjoy, separate from gender labels. Learning to accept myself as a masculine woman. |
Top Comments by /u/Possible-Emu-8797:
“…distress turned into dissociation. I stopped caring for myself altogether. I felt like a background character in everyone else's life, like I didn't really exist.” <- please speak to a therapist; you need help to deal with very difficult things like depression, disassociation, depersonalization, and suicidal ideation. These are issues beyond advice on a subreddit.
“I've never felt connected to masculinity either.” <- That’s okay. Some on here will tell you to do more stereotypically “masculine” things to “fix you,” but I’m going to tell you that you don’t need fixing. It’s okay to not feel masculine or want to be masculine or feel connected to masculinity. Gender is overly restrictive. It’s hard, but you might be happier if you let go what it means to “be a man.” The standards society puts on “being a man” are arbitrary and limiting. This will be very hard to let go of given your religious background, tho.
“I kept spiraling, doomscrolling Ovarit and absorbing transphobic content.” <- the best thing for your mental health will ALWAYS be getting off the internet.
“I've been depressed since my teens. I never felt real joy or ease.” <- find hobbies. Hobbies outside people. Things you enjoy. Go for hikes. Take up painting. Channel your fear and discomfort and sadness into art instead of stewing in it. You need an outlet. And you likely need a change of scenery. Assess your life. Your financials. Your career. Find a financial advisor. Talk to them about financial security. The security to change jobs. The security to move. The security to get mental health help. Find a head hunter to find you a better job, one you enjoy. If your location and job aren’t issues, take up a pottery class at the local community center. Take daily walks. Just 30 mins. Outside. Sit and listen to the birds or running water or the wind. Find little joys. Enjoy coffee? Tea? A particular soda. Get it. Don’t deny yourself. And enjoy it slowly. Take life slowly. You have all the time in the world. Don’t rush yourself into decisions thinking you have a deadline; you don’t.
“I keep going through my memories, looking for proof I wasn't trans just to admit to myself that my struggle isn't real.” <- This obsession with finding proof sounds like OCD. I recommend a good therapist. Look for someone who is “body neutral” and “autonomy positive,” as they will respect whatever decision you make, like a decision not to transition.
“My body has masculinized beyond repair.” <- no one is ever “beyond repair.” Whatever choice you make, even if you make no choice at all (which is itself a choice), you are not ever “beyond” anything. It’s easier said than done, but stop looking at yourself as something broken and in need of fixing, and try to look at acceptance. It’s VERY hard. A body neutral and autonomy positive therapist can help you find acceptance.
“I stopped going to therapy and taking psych meds.” <- go back.
“I've stopped going outside. I've stopped taking care of myself. My mental health has only been getting worse and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel terrible all the time and I can't live with myself. I just want to die at this point.” <- Please go back to therapy. I learned the hard way that it’s best to tell them about the dysphoria. “Cis” and “trans” people get dysphoria. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you work through it.
“I don't think anything could ever save me.” <- no one is beyond saving or beyond help. Make sure your immediate needs are met. Right now, focus on surviving, not on finding the most perfect answer to the world and your identity. Are you fed? Did you get sleep? Order your favorite meal, or one you remember enjoying, and then go sit under the warm spray of the shower. You don’t need to stand or clean yourself. Just sit there. You don’t even need to get undressed. Feel something other than pain. Refresh yourself. Or get in dry, comfy clothes and sleep.
You are spiraling right now and just need something to break that spiral.
Much kindness and luck
I have found that my life—as someone who insists on not transitioning—has become a lot easier if I pay trans people or the idea of being trans no mind. Be and let be. Don’t think too hard about what other people are doing with their life and what that means for you or society or for hypothetical others. Seriously. Just focus on yourself and who you are without labels and try not to think of what labels others use. If there are consequences for the labels those others use—like your former friend—they’ll face those consequences by themselves. If they’re cringe, they’re cringe. They’re not you and you’re not them! Give that a phew 😅 and carry on being your best and most confident self.
ATP, someone says something abt their identity, I shrug and move on. It’s not worth my confusion, y’know?
You can be whoever you want. You want to be a tomboy? You feel comfortable as a masculine woman? Be that. Own that. Who you are is up to you, and only you.
I would stop listening to chronically online people on Tumblr. Don’t let them tell you who you should be or how you should be. Just because they put down one type of being doesn’t mean you need to change yourself for them. Stop listening to the way they shit on other people and other lives. And if the shit they say makes no sense to you and your worldview? Put it out of mind. You will find so much more peace in life if you accept “some things just aren’t for me to make sense of.” If those people on Tumblr face consequences for their behavior and identity and actions, they’ll face it by themselves. You don’t need to solve anything for them. Not do you need to reconcile someone else’s life with how you live yours differently. Just live your life without their input. People who complain constantly will only make you miserable, so cut these online circles off. Find other, more positive and less conflict-driven, online communities.
Maybe easier said than done.
Also maybe look into goth and punk scenes? You may find comfort in alternative spaces. More freedom with presentation. More acceptance for not looking like a normie. Just remember: clothes are clothes. Clothes do not have an identity. Wear what makes you comfortable. Explore fashion and presentation. It’s a form of self expression, so have fun with it!
I will mention mindfulness techniques, thank you very much for the advice!
Part of the issue is that I just don’t think I can fit into society thinking I’m a man, and this feels like it’s in major part the reason for—as another user put it—my “spiraling,” and that’s why I’m asking for how to better integrate. If I can integrate myself, I think I’d be happier, you know? If I become more like other women (the women around me), I think I’d feel less like this. I see integration as necessary to ending the dysphoria, but that necessitates a change in mentality I’m not sure how to achieve. It’s not that I’m obsessing over my presentation, but that it feels like I should be, and trying better to be a woman until I believe it myself.
I digress… I’m going to bring up the mindfulness strategies thing and try to get back into writing. In the meantime. I thank you for the suggestions and the kind words and support.
I’ll also be sure to eat and sleep! I do enjoy both much!
^^ I think this is very good advice for you, OP.
If these thoughts are quite distressing and very unwanted, look into Trans OCD. Some cis people with OCD start obsessing over their identity, often with unwanted and deeply distressing thoughts about transitioning. A constant “I could be trans, I could be trans, I could be trans, I could be trans“ (or similar), meanwhile you very much don’t want to be a woman and don’t “feel” like a woman and the idea of transitioning fills you with dread and sharp stress. << So this all means that you could be aided by therapy. Talk to someone about this distress, someone who isn’t a rando on Reddit.
Liquid_Fire_’s advice is similar to what is provided to individuals with OCD when they begin obsessing over concepts.
Wear whatever you want to wear. Seriously.
Now, personally, as breast cancer runs in my family (maternal side), I have never looked sideways at a woman without breasts. Having or not having breasts does not a woman make. I think people need to judge women’s bodies less and look at our bodies and our gendered parts more neutrally. But I’m also not going to tell you to do it. I am never going to push you to make any sort of decision with your body as I believe you have absolute bodily autonomy. I think telling people “transition is the worst decision you could ever make” is just as harmful and just as much peer pressure as telling someone they absolutely have to transition.
Be yourself. Be happy. Be kind to yourself. And don’t live by other people’s standards or by the arbitrary standards of what society thinks it means to be a “real woman.” You like dresses? Wear a dress.
I think you might have misunderstood my question about integrating into normative society slightly. I do not think being trans is normative or integrating. I think all it can do is isolate me and ostracize me. A “normative life” would be accepting that I’m female and thus a woman (and vice versa).
As for the therapist, you are right. I’m shopping around for someone who might be prepared better for identity formation and integration issues.
Also, thank you 🫶. Trying to find some perfect, ultimate answer may be part of my issue. I’ll see what I can do to get to a better place first; prevent spiraling. Because, yeah, I am.
I fear we may be getting a bit off topic 😅. I don’t mind the discussion, but would like to keep the focus on the question(s) in my OP.
Think of a “tomboy” as a social chameleon. A girl—“tomboy” seldom refers to a woman, past a certain age, “masculinity” in a woman is not tolerated—knows when she has transgressed the feminine too much. Tomboys know when to be “masculine” enough that they’re not “prissy” or “stuck up,” but feminine at the right moments so they’re not a “disappointment” and queer (peculiar, off, strange). Tomboys are still expected to—and do—perform femininity. A man will not be happy if his date wears a suit to their fancy anniversary, as he’s expecting her to “clean up nice,” and that means putting on a dress and heels. You put on a suit, and he gets weird, saying “I’m not gay, but you might be.”
Being “one of the guys” is not seen as simply being relaxed and chill around men; it is seen as an attempt by a woman to get close enough with a man to “woo” him eventually. It’s viewed like some “friends to lovers” trope. She’s the fun one, not “prissy” and “stuck up” like those “girl’s-girls.” She’s masculine in the right ways, feminine when it counts. Because at the end of this (false) romantic comedy, he’s still expecting her to want what women stereotypically want. He’s still expecting her to wear white down the aisle. As you said—there has to be “the right” balance of masculinity in a woman. She still has to observe the “feminine pretense,” which according to feminist Tania Modleski, is a "'feminine' compensation on the part of [a] woman for having usurped what she perceives to be a 'masculine' authority and thereby 'unsexed' herself"
"Womanliness therefore could be assumed and worn as a mask, both, to hide the possession of masculinity and to avert the reprisals expected if she was found to possess it… it did not represent her main development, and was used far more as a device for avoiding anxiety…” —Feminist Joan Riviere
As someone who finds it hard to go outside due to dysphoria and a strong desire to not be perceived, take up hobbies that require you to be outdoors and alone. I cannot tell you how much more at peace I am after a hike. For a little extra $$$ on the side, I’ve started dog walking in my free time. This helps one cope—compartmentalize—with the crappy aspects of late stage capitalism. When it’s just you and the wind and the birds, crappy jobs and poor performance seem miles away. Take up fishing.
I would also tell your therapist. I learned—the hard way—that “body positive” just means they’re supposed to respect your 🫵 bodily autonomy. If you bring up the dysphoria, but express that you don’t actually want to be a woman or transition, “body positive” means they’re supposed to be there to help you work through that complicated feeling in a way that respects that decision.
The therapist can certainly help you with coping strategies, mindfulness techniques, and the loneliness.
Also… get off the internet. Men in those alt-right internet circles are all fucking miserable pricks who revel in making other men miserable.
Make some goals for yourself. Depression and suicidal ideation can be the brain’s way of saying: something is very wrong here. Shitty life syndrome and all that. Make a list. Get a financial advisor. Seriously. Talk to them about the $$$ of moving. You need a change of scenery. Get a tutor. Tell them about your struggles academically. Get a head hunter (job) and have them find you a better fucking job. Then start saving. Start planning a move.
And maybe take up photography or something. Carpentry. Model train building. Fishing. Hiking. Find a hobby that you like and can get lost in. Read more. It seems you like books. Play long-form story video games with logic and critical thinking exercises built in (something that works and stretches the mind).
Change is possible. Sometimes it’s about taking the small steps first.
“My therapist eventually admitted there wasn't much I could do about it beside tackling my other mental health issues.” <- It’ll be easier said than done, but find another therapist. Find one who is willing to try different treatment options, not just ones that make you feel numb and apathetic. Medicalization isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. And certainly address your other mental health issues. It’s not bad advice. The autism, the depression, and the BPD. There are other avenues for you, I promise.
A financial advisor may help with the affordability issues. It doesn’t hurt to try and get insured. Maybe through employment or state insurance?
“I live in a country where deviations from gender norms (especially for males) is heavily punished.” <- there may still be small things you can do to find more comfort with your body image. From growing out your hair to taking a walk every day. These steps don’t have to be either gender-conforming or non-conforming.
“The internet has honestly been my only refuge.” <- the sites you have been visiting have been the exact opposite of refuge, and have caused you to spiral and push people away. Stay away from these sites, they’re only worsening your mental health.
“I don't have irl friends I can go out with, and I can't go out alone because of social anxiety and constant paranoia.” <- I cannot stress enough how much you need a professional to work through this.
“momentary joy doesn't change anything when you're suffering at the core of your being.” <- you find moment after moment after moment. I have been suicidal, I know where you’re coming from. And I’m telling you that finding small things to live for snowball into larger things to live for. Something soft-feeling. Something kind. Something lovely-sounding. Something good tasting. And then another something and another. Not materialistically, humanly. Make a list. You eat a mango and love the way it tastes? Add it to the list of things which bring small joy. Drink coffee while listening to the birds? Add it to the list. Keep adding small things to that list.
This isn’t a cure; it’s a method of keeping yourself alive.
“Everything feels like a chore.” <- Yes, it does. Remind yourself that it’s okay to do something when you have the energy. I haven’t done dishes in 2 weeks. I don’t have the energy. I tell myself “it’s okay if they don’t get done tonight, I need sleep.” This tip is about doing small things when you can. And finding adaptations which consider your energy levels. Can’t brush your teeth? Keep mouthwash tablets at your bedside. Or disposable toothbrushes with toothpaste pre-loaded on them. Sometimes, making sure your needs are met means just eating a piece of toast. I didn’t have the energy to cook last night. I ate two slices of plain bread just because I “should” get some sustenance in me. It’s okay to be tired. Don’t push yourself, just focus right now on surviving.
And please, please, seek different professional help.