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Reddit user /u/Purple_Owls's Detransition Story

Detransitioned: 25
female
low self-esteem
hated breasts
escapism
depression
influenced online
puberty discomfort
only transitioned socially
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic user.

The comments display a consistent, nuanced, and personal perspective that aligns with a desister's experience. The user expresses a complex understanding of gender, shares personal anecdotes, and offers empathetic advice, all of which are indicative of a real person reflecting on their own journey. The passion and frustration present are consistent with the stated experiences of detransitioners and desisters.

About me

I started feeling out of place as a girl when my male friends stopped including me. I thought becoming a man was the only way to be happy and escape my discomfort with puberty. I almost pursued hormones, but I realized I was trying to escape my body and low self-esteem, not change my gender. Now I know I can just be a masculine woman with short hair and guy friends. I'm grateful I didn't make permanent changes and have found peace by accepting myself as I am.

My detransition story

My whole journey with gender started when I was a kid. I never really connected with other girls. All my friends were boys, and that was fine until we got a bit older and everyone started to care about that stuff. I stopped getting invited to birthday parties and events just because I was a girl. It made me feel deeply lonely and left out, and I started to wish, sometimes desperately, that I had been born a boy. I thought that would solve everything and finally let me fit in.

As I got older, that feeling didn't go away. I hated the expectations put on me to be a cute, girly girl. Puberty was especially uncomfortable; I really hated the development of my breasts and the changes that were making me look more like a woman. I saw transitioning as a way out. I thought if I could just become a man, I could finally be happy and escape all that discomfort.

I started to look into it seriously. I spent a lot of time online, reading about hormones and surgeries. I saw how excited people were about their transitions, and it seemed like the answer. I remember meeting a guy, Mike, who had recently transitioned. He was so euphoric, but his story also worried me. He had a tough home life and had gone from identifying as a straight woman to a straight man and was scheduling top surgery incredibly fast. It made me wonder if he was really a masculine lesbian trying to escape his situation, and it planted a seed of doubt in my own mind.

I started to realize that a lot of people, including myself, were confusing their gender identity with their overall happiness and self-worth. We were taught that you’re not any better or worse because you’re a man or a woman, but it felt like being a man was the only way to be happy and accepted. I also began to understand that medical transition isn't the simple, reversible process it's often made out to be. It changes your voice, makes you grow hair, can alter your face, and can make you infertile. It’s not like a tattoo or a boob job that you can just remove.

I had a lot of internalized issues to work through. My low self-esteem and depression made me think changing my body was the solution. I now see that a lot of it was about escapism—wanting to escape the body I was in and the social role I felt trapped by. I thought if I became a man, I could finally be part of the "inner circle" with my male friends, but I had to accept that no matter what I did to my body, that might never happen. I would always be seen as different.

I never ended up taking hormones or getting any surgeries. I am so grateful for that now. I benefited immensely from stepping back and focusing on other parts of my life—my job, my friends, my hobbies. I realized my gender doesn't define me. I can be a woman who has short hair, wears masculine clothes, doesn't wear jewelry or nail polish, and has mostly guy friends. I don't have to destroy my body to be that person.

I don't regret exploring these feelings because it led me to a place of self-acceptance. But I do regret ever thinking that such a permanent, medical path was the only solution to my problems. My thoughts on gender now are that there is no right or wrong way to be a man or a woman. The pressure to medically transition, especially on young people who are just uncomfortable with puberty, is dangerous. I think we’d all be much happier if we focused less on how we are perceived and more on who we are as whole people.

Age Event
Childhood Felt disconnected from other girls; all my friends were boys.
Early Teens (~13) Started puberty; felt intense discomfort with breast development and female expectations.
Early 20s (21) Met a trans man ("Mike") and began seriously questioning and researching transition.
Early 20s (22-24) Realized medical transition is not reversible; began to understand my feelings were tied to low self-esteem and a desire to escape.
25 Fully accepted myself as a masculine woman; decided against any medical transition.

Top Comments by /u/Purple_Owls:

13 comments • Posting since March 17, 2022
Reddit user Purple_Owls explains their decision to detransition, stating that while they wished to be born male to escape feminine expectations, they believe medical transition would have destroyed their body, brain, and relationships, unnecessarily complicating their life.
92 pointsJul 1, 2022
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Yeah, this is a lot of my feelings on being trans. Would I love to have been born a male, get to do Boy Scouts, play on boys sports team, be a male like all my friends, yes. I hated the expectations on me to be a cute little girly girl growing up. But I wasn’t. And i don’t think that destroying my body, brain, and relationships, is gonna change that. I think that it will just further unnecessarily complicate things.

Reddit user Purple_Owls (desisted female) explains why cosmetic procedures like tattoos and breast augmentation are not comparable to the permanent, non-cosmetic changes caused by HRT.
67 pointsApr 24, 2022
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While I haven’t particularly looked into any of the three things mentioned, I can give a few reasons why they are not the same

  1. Tattoos: These are purely cosmetic. They don’t change anything about your body, aside from a piece of your skin.
  2. Boob job: Again, purely cosmetic. And if you get bigger boobs, it can get taken out a few years down the road. I remember Chrissy Teigen got hers taken out a year or two ago. And if the boob job is to make them smaller, it’s likely due to the boobs cause the person pain cause of the weight/size.
  3. HRT is not cosmetic, and while I’ve never taken it, it isn’t as reversible as it is made out to be. From this sub and other stories, it changes your voice, hair growth, face shape, even certain personality traits such as aggression, and also make you infertile. Which if tattoos or boob jobs did that, they would be unideal as well
Reddit user Purple_Owls (desisted female) explains why they chose not to medically transition, advising that changing your body is a permanent choice while self-acceptance allows for any expression.
22 pointsMay 30, 2022
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Transitioning is not as light a choice as so many make it out to be, especially medically. If you’re having these thoughts now, in your teenage years when your questioning everything, whose to say you won’t volley for the rest of your life?

You can either change your body and hope you like the result, or keep it and try to love and appreciate you. You don’t have to be a girly girl to be a female, you can dress masculine, have short hair, etc.

Reddit user Purple_Owls (desisted female) explains her struggle with female friendships, her wish to have been born a boy, and her realization that transitioning wouldn't grant her acceptance into male social circles.
16 pointsMar 21, 2022
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I’ve always have trouble connecting with other girls. Most of my friends growing up were boys, until it got to the age where people started to care about that stuff. I wasn’t invited to events, birthday parties, all because I was a girl. It never stopped. I wished and sometimes still wish I had been born a boy.

But I know that no matter what I do, it won’t change. I can destroy my body, change my name, my life. But it won’t change. I will not be in the inner cycle of my childhood male friends, or future male groups. And I can try to be friends with there girlfriends, but in the end, the odds are they won’t like me. And complaining about it or trying to change it will just get me labeled as a pick me girl or someone trying to sleep with the guys. Just gotta keep going and hope that things won’t turn out the way I imagine they will. And try to find better ways to connect with girls.

Reddit user Purple_Owls (desisted female) explains how confusing gender identity with happiness and self-worth is a problem, arguing that self-worth isn't tied to gender and that focusing less on others' perceptions leads to greater happiness.
16 pointsApr 24, 2022
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I think people also confuse there gender identity with happiness and self-worth, which is a problem. You’re not any better or worse because you’re a man or a women. You deserve to be happy in whatever stage of life you’re at.

I think if people focus less on how others perceive them and how they perceive themselves compared to others, we’d all be much happier.

Reddit user Purple_Owls comments on the "Don't Say Gay" bill and dating preferences, arguing that it's not bigoted to oppose gender discussions for young children or to have genital-based attraction.
16 pointsJun 28, 2022
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I think a lot of what he said is correct, and people on both sides of the aisle agree. I’m pretty left, but if I or anyone said any of the stuff he said, you’re labeled a bigot and a transphobe.

For example, the Don’t Say Gay bill in Florida. It only bans discussing sexual and gender identity for 1-3 graders. I don’t think most state starts sex ed then, and why give the teachers, who are significantly burned out, another thing to teach that will inevitably land them in hot water with parents? Little kids don’t need to be questioning there gender identity. They’re still learning how to spell and read! Gender identity is confusing to adults, let alone kids.

For example, in Connecticut, sex ed didn’t even start until 4th grade, and it was done by the middle school sex Ed teacher, who came down a few times a year to have discussions. Mostly about changing bodies. No discussion about sex. And even once I hit middle school and high school, we never had those discussions. I acknowledge the world is a different place then it was when I (25f) was little, but still.

And yeah, the thing about gay men and transgender men. If they aren’t attracted to someone with a vagina, it’s transphobic. Same thing for straight people. Personally, I’m a straight women. Will I treat trans men and women with respect? Of course. I’ll be nice to them, I won’t invalidate them, die anything to harm them. But would I date a trans man? No. I like dick, and I want to have a family one day. Yes, my future husband or I could be infertile, but at least we can try, and then consider other alternatives. And that is ok! Because it is my preferences, you can’t force someone to be sexually attracted to someone else.

Reddit user Purple_Owls comments on the complex dilemma of support in trans and detrans discussions, noting there's no right answer for wishing you had more or less.
13 pointsJul 1, 2022
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I feel like this is a hot point of contention in both sides of the trans and de trans discussion. If people supported you, you wish they hadn’t cause it affect your future health, choices, life. If they didn’t, you wish they had so you could have tried it, realized sooner, etc. it’s a tough discussion and I don’t think there is one right way for anyone

Reddit user Purple_Owls (desisted female) advises a detransitioned male on adopting a more masculine appearance through thrift shopping and avoiding feminine-coded accessories to help with being misidentified as a lesbian.
11 pointsMar 17, 2022
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I know you said you don’t have much money, but maybe you could go to a thrift shop or something and get some more masculine clothes? Since, I know it’s appearance based, maybe wear less jewelry and less “feminine” colors? Avoid painted nails, etc. Whether you love the stuff mentioned or have already stopped wearing it, just keep moving forward.

Also, remember, gender is not all you are! You are so many more things than what gender you are or are perceived as. You have hobbies, interests, life experiences. Your gender does not define you. Try to focus on those things instead :)

Reddit user Purple_Owls (desisted female) discusses the social pressure to not question a friend's rapid transition, sharing a story about "Mike," a 22-year-old FTM who quickly pursued surgery after a difficult home life and a recent shift in identity.
10 pointsApr 24, 2022
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I think that especially at first, like maybe 5-10 years ago, changing your gender was viewed as something that’s reversible and that if you give any force back, you’re seen as a bigot. If it’s about a relationship, job change or interest, your friends are more than welcome to give you tips and a bit of constructive feedback, but if it’s there gender, than you can’t say anything.

I met a friend’s friend a few years ago. I forgot his name, let’s call him Mike. About 6 months before I met Mike, he transitioned. When I met him, he was very excited about being male. His only conversation he wanted to be in was about gender. Very euphoric. But whenever someone accidentally misgendered him, he got really really sad. But it’s not the person, or his, fault. Nor is it a reflection of who he is. It was just that he was born a female, and tbh looked like a butch female. He was very excited to have started T, and to eventually get top/bottom surgery. But he also shared some concerning things. How less than a year ago, he had thought he was a straight female, but now was a straight male. And how within a year of coming out as trans, he was getting top surgery. How he had a tough home life.

Maybe Mike was a “butch” or masc lesbian. Or maybe was finding a way to escape a tough home life, so shattering the little girl that his parents loved was a good start. I haven’t seen Mike since that summer, so I can’t say what he is doing now. He could still be Mike, he could be non-binary now, he could have gone back to his female name.

But I knew I couldn’t say anything to him at the time. That this was all concerning. I mean I was a 21f, he was about 22ftm, so I’m defiently not a therapist, nor was I his friend. But I hope he is good now. Whatever that means for him.

Reddit user Purple_Owls (desisted female) explains that there isn't a right or wrong way to be a man or woman, arguing that strict gender stereotypes can be sexist. They advise exploring presentation through haircuts, clothing, and social circles without medical intervention, and note that body discomfort during puberty is a common experience.
9 pointsApr 26, 2022
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I think that a big thing that sometimes trans people forgot about is there isn’t a right or wrong way to be a man or woman, and honesty it comes off a bit, ironically, sexist sometimes. That if you wear a dress and makeup you must be a woman. If you like sports you must be a man.

But men can like dresses and makeup. And girls can like sports. And you can do things without surgery or T or anything to be less “girly”. But you can also change certain aspects of your body easily. Shorter nails, shorter hair, larger muscles. Can wear sports bras or bralettes, binders, to get a more desired look. Meet more guy friends, etc. And none of that makes you any less of a woman.

You mentioned a dislike of your body during puberty. Lots of kids go through that, boys and girls, it’s a scary time. It’s why people look back and go “ew middle school”. It’s a rough transition period. And it’s ok you were/are questioning it. Questioning things is a part of life. And remember, your gender is not all you are.