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Reddit user /u/Qu33nW3ird0's Detransition Story

female
low self-esteem
regrets transitioning
depression
started as non-binary
only transitioned socially
bisexual
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

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Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.

The comments show a consistent, nuanced, and deeply personal perspective over a four-year period. The user describes a specific desister experience (never medically transitioning but identifying as non-binary/trans-leaning), expresses complex emotions, and discusses a personal evolution in thinking that is characteristic of a genuine individual reflecting on their life. The passion and criticism are consistent with the stated background.

About me

I started as a tomboy who felt immense pressure to be a certain kind of woman, and I was bullied with homophobic slurs for not fitting in. I later identified as a trans man because it felt like an escape from those expectations and the constant judgment. I realized I was just trying to be myself without the hate, and that the whole concept reinforced the stereotypes that hurt me. Now, I’ve desisted and see myself simply as a gender non-conforming woman who is at peace with my body. My freedom comes from ignoring what others think and rejecting the cages of gender entirely.

My detransition story

My whole journey with gender started with just being a tomboy. I never really fit in with what other girls were into, and I spent my teens and twenties hating myself for not "feeling" like a woman was supposed to feel. I felt a lot of pressure to be a certain way, and I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the attention span for makeup or the interest in stereotypically feminine things. Because of that, people would call me homophobic slurs and tell me I wasn't a real woman, that I must want to be a man or that I was an "it." That hurt, a lot.

For a while, I identified as non-binary, and that leaned into identifying as a trans man. It felt like an escape from the cage of expectations that other people had for me. Looking back, I think I was just trying to find a way to be myself without getting all that nasty shit from people. It seemed like the world had found a new, more polite way to package the same old misogyny and homophobia by calling it "gender identity." It codified the very stereotypes that made me feel so awful.

I never took hormones or had any surgeries. I only transitioned socially for a period of time. I think a big part of why I went down that path was because of low self-esteem and depression. I just wanted to be seen as an individual, a person, and not a set of stereotypes. I thought changing my label would fix that feeling of not belonging anywhere.

I don't really feel a strong sense of comradery with anyone, straight women or queer women. It's like they're all speaking a language I only know a few words of, and they often seem to disdain me for it. And the men who share my intense, ADHD-driven interests in male-dominated hobbies often think I'm just faking it to get with them. So I've felt pretty isolated through it all.

Now, in my thirties, I've desisted. I don't identify as trans anymore. I see myself as a gender non-conforming, bisexual-leaning woman. The biggest change for me was realizing that "female" is just a descriptor of my material body. Anything beyond that is probably just misogyny trying to tell me how to act. I've benefited immensely from just stopping caring about what other people think. I don't beat myself up anymore for not performing femininity. I prefer my freedom.

I don't regret exploring my identity because it led me to where I am now, which is a much more peaceful place. But I do see the whole concept of gender identity as a cage, both the one society puts you in and the one you can put yourself in. My goal now is to just walk outside of all the cages and ignore people's attempts to put me back in one. I've become a gender abolitionist because of all this. I believe we need to solve the base problems of misogyny and homophobia, not just create new labels that reinforce stereotypes.

Even now, years after desisting, I still sometimes feel like I don't belong in women's spaces, like I'll be asked to leave a makeup store. But I have to remind myself that I am a woman, and there is no place meant for women that I do not belong.

Here is a timeline of my journey:

Age Year Event
Teen Years 1990s Felt immense social pressure to be feminine; was a tomboy and was bullied with homophobic slurs for not conforming.
20s 2000s-2010s Continued to struggle with self-hatred for not "feeling like a woman."
Early 30s circa 2018 Identified as non-binary, which later leaned towards identifying as a trans man (social transition only).
Mid 30s circa 2021 Stopped identifying as trans (desisted). Came to see myself as a gender non-conforming woman.
Now (Long end of 35) 2024 Comfortably identifying as a GNC, bisexual-leaning woman with a gender abolitionist perspective.

Top Comments by /u/Qu33nW3ird0:

7 comments • Posting since June 8, 2020
Reddit user Qu33nW3ird0 (desisted female) explains how labels are cages and that escaping the pressure to "pass" is key to accepting oneself as a woman.
35 pointsJul 14, 2021
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Cages are uncomfortable. First and foremost we want to be seen as individuals, as people, and labels and stereotypes remove that. Sometimes we put ourselves in a cage of our own making to escape the ones other people want us to be in. I'm looking at the long end of 35 and only now have I begun to understand that walking outside the cages and ignoring people's attempts to put me back in is best. Female and woman is a descriptor of my material body and anything beyond that is probably misogyny.

Getting through the next day is most important. And if you can't do that, the next hour. The next minute. Until you realize you're not trying to get through the next minute, hour, day. You're just you and ignorant BS rolls off your back. It comes with time. I wouldn't focus on passing. The concept of passing seems like the ideas of what a woman should be are still sticking. You're already a woman, and the pitch of your voice and length of your hair is a facet of you but not the whole.

Reddit user Qu33nW3ird0 (desisted female) explains how modern gender identity concepts have codified the same misogyny and homophobia she experienced for being a gender-nonconforming woman in the 80s.
30 pointsApr 3, 2022
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I identified as non-binary for a while, leaning trans-man, so here's my take.

I was born in the 80s and dealt with this crap, but it wasn't based in notions of gender identity. When I didn't have the attention span to wear makeup every day, I had people throwing homophobic slurs at me or taunting that I wasn't a "real" woman and that I wanted to be a man or that I was a thing or an it. Nowadays misogyny and homophobia and stereotypes have been made polite through gender. Codified and streamlined and systemized. Basically, same crap, a more advanced presentation. It's why I call myself a gender abolitionist. You're dead on with questioning the concept of gender identity.

I've run into a lot of leftwing people (which I am and have always been one) who have found a way to not question anything by saying,"Well, if it gives them comfort or makes them feel valid it can't be bad." And they say that to avoid thinking about anything or solving the base problem, which is misogyny and homophobia.

Reddit user Qu33nW3ird0 (desisted female) comments on overcoming self-hatred, explaining how she stopped trying to "feel" like a woman and found freedom as a gender non-conforming person.
25 pointsJun 12, 2021
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I was a tomboy, wasted my teens and 20s hating myself for not "feeling" like a woman, and in my 30s now I'm just a GNC bi-leaning married woman who doesn't beat herself up for not caring about performative femininity anymore. You'd be surprised how just not giving a fuck gets you through other people's nasty shit. I still think about how I wish people would like me sometimes, and then I think about how I could dedicate my every waking moment to being a walking stereotype and people would still be shitty. I prefer my freedom.

Reddit user Qu33nW3ird0 (desisted female) explains feeling out of place in women's spaces like Ulta, despite never medically transitioning, and shares her coping mechanism.
18 pointsMar 30, 2024
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I've been desisted for years and I still feel that way whenever I go into a women's store, recently I went into Ulta for leave-in conditioner and the entire time I felt like they might ask me to leave lmao. I struggle with this even though I never medicalized, I just try to remind myself that I am a woman and there is no place women belong that I do not belong.

Reddit user Qu33nW3ird0 (desisted female) discusses finding women-only, gender-ideology-free hobby groups for gaming, sci-fi/fantasy, and crafts, and expresses interest in a similar space for writing and art.
14 pointsMar 20, 2024
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It's the same across a lot of fandom spaces too. I've found on Facebook there are some groups for gaming and scifi/fantasy that are explicitly woman only and gender-ideology free (if you know where to look) and there's at least one textile/craft group I'm a member of that's the same. Now that you mention it, I would love a writing/art group that is like that. I should look to see if I can find one.

Reddit user Qu33nW3ird0 (desisted female) discusses feeling alienated from both straight and queer women, and describes her "apathetically bisexual" orientation and struggle to connect due to ADHD and male-dominated interests.
8 pointsDec 29, 2021
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I used to consider myself straight but have never felt overwhelming infatuation for specific men. Or women for that matter. Now consider myself apathetically bisexual. I don't have comradery with straight women or queer women either.

It's like they speak a language I only know a few words of, and they disdain me for it. And the ones who overwhelmingly share my interests- men- think I'm faking it to fuck them. Having ADHD and being intensely fixated on male-dominated interests sucks ass. At this point I'm pretty resigned to not meeting people I can actually be myself around, and have just started to focus on my writing and drawing. Sorry, I relate but have no suggestions. :(

Reddit user Qu33nW3ird0 explains how they used minoxidil (Rogaine), biotin supplements, and a hair topper to successfully regrow hair lost from dieting, noting that some detrans women also see hair return on estrogen.
3 pointsJun 8, 2020
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Some detrans women in here attesting to their hair returning on estrogen. I think time will be your best strategy, but if you want to speed the process along, here is my story.

Hair loss in women runs in my family, as well as very thin hair. There was a period of time where I went hard on a diet and lost A LOT of hair around the front of my scalp. It made me incredibly self conscious and I wore a mini-wig (topper) to conceal the damage. In the mean time, I took biotin, used biotin shampoo & conditioner, and applied minoxidil (brand name: rogaine) to the areas I'd lost hair. It does actually work and I managed to return to my pre-diet hairline, which still wasn't.. great.. but better than before.