My whole journey with gender has been confusing and, looking back, I think a lot of it was based on misunderstanding myself. I never had what people call classic dysphoria. I didn't look at my body and feel a deep, inherent wrongness about being female. My discomfort started during puberty. I hated the changes, especially developing breasts. It felt invasive and uncomfortable, but it wasn't that I felt they shouldn't be there; I just didn't like the attention they brought and how they felt physically. I think a big part of my struggle was that I'm autistic. The world of gender roles and social expectations never made logical sense to me. Why should I have to perform femininity? I saw it as a chore. I didn't want to wear makeup because it felt weird on my skin, and I preferred comfortable, practical clothes.

A lot of my feelings were tangled up with low self-esteem and depression. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere, and online, I found communities where people talked about transition as a solution for that feeling of not fitting in. I started to wonder if my discomfort with puberty and my rejection of feminine stereotypes meant I was trans. I spent a lot of time online, and I think I was influenced by the stories I read. I started identifying as non-binary for a while, but then I felt pressure to medically transition to be taken seriously.

I seriously considered taking testosterone. I thought about it for a long time, but I always stopped myself. I knew, deep down, that it wouldn't give me what I truly wanted. I didn't want a deeper voice or facial hair. I just wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin and have a body that felt right to me—slimmer hips, broader shoulders—but T doesn't work like a custom order. It was a difficult place to be stuck: feeling like I couldn't stay as I was, but knowing that medical transition wasn't the right path for me either.

I now see that my issues were more about body dysmorphia and the distress of going through puberty as an autistic person who didn't understand the social rules. I had internalized the idea that because I was a masculine woman, a "butch lesbian" type, I must not be a woman at all. I realize now that's not true. Gender non-conformity is perfectly valid. I can be a woman who doesn't shave, doesn't wear makeup, and dresses for comfort.

I don't regret that I never medically transitioned. I'm grateful I didn't take testosterone or have any surgeries. The whole process of questioning forced me to look at my mental health. I've come to understand that my problem was never with being female, but with the expectations placed on me because I'm female, and with my own struggles with depression and autism. I don't believe I'm mentally ill for being gender non-conforming. The illness was the depression and anxiety that made me think changing my body was the only way to find peace.