I definitely feel this. I want to go to how I was as a kid before the sexualization and abuse really started to hit, but now I'm struggling to keep identifying as myself without running to transition as an escape.

Learning that the behavior was done TO me by disgusting people, not BECAUSE of me, was really instrumental in feeling better about my experience. I hope that helps you too.

I'm not sure how much help i can be, but im desperate to reach out. I'm only a desistor, but I fully understand what you're feeling.

First off, I know for a fact you aren't alone. And I'm sure that everyone here can agree that dysphoria is very definitely a real thing caused by real internal struggles. For some people, letting go and returning to their "birth self" is a comfort and a release. But for others still, transitioning could prove to be a better solution. I believe that could be the case with you.

I think that you're too hard on yourself. The greatest battles are fought in the mind. And right now, you are totally at war. You should probably approach this from a whole new angle. Understand that you are a human being and that you are guilty of nothing but desperately trying to make sense of something that no one can make sense of. Although you are facing similar struggles to a "community" of people, you are facing struggles that only affect YOU the way they are now. And the only one that can decide the proper treatment you need is you.

But if you do want a second opinion on what you should do, please seek out therapy. A professional opinion may not be something you want to hear, but a new perspective could help you straighten yourself out so you can tackle the problem with straight eyes and clean hands.

THIS IS IMPORTANT THO: Don't let them reccomend going back on hormones right off the bat. Please make them listen to you for a couple sessions so they understand all the possible reasons why this came to be. And I mean everything you're comfortable with sharing: past experiences, including traumas, should be expressed. Not just all the feel-good moments. And if this therapist isn't giving off a good listening vibe, you absolutely have the right to find a new one.

Otherwise, I really, truly wish you luck. I know you can make the best of this horrible situation and I know that it's never too late to fix it. I believe in you! You got this! >.<

Alright, buckle up buttercup. I was literally kept awake all night thinking about this sorta thing for myself and well, you gave me a reason to organize my own thoughts. (fair warning, long read, I'll put a TL:DR at the end)

First off, I never took hormones. I was damn close to signing up though. I had everyone call me by my "real" name and pronouns, I joined LGBT "support" groups, the whole social ordeal.

I'll be completely honest, I don't know exactly how everything just... came together. About a year ago, and after months of introspection, I realized that my body never had a problem hosting the personality I have now. And it was holding onto that revelation that got me into the mindset I needed in order to be here now.

Mind you, this kind of pain takes a while to unpack, it sure did for me. (And I'm not quite done yet.) Even now, it's hard remembering that. Because of how I present myself, especially now that I chopped off all my hair, I still get mistaken for a guy. Just today after dinner, I was called sir after I held the door for someone. (And it was dinner with my husband!)

We had a big laugh about it, but had that situation happened more than a year ago, it was a 50/50 shot at either making me unreasonably ecstatic or causing an all-out identity crisis.

What personally drove me to transition was a mess of trauma, being affected by unfair stereotypes about women, and, in general, being an outcast no matter what I did. And it took facing it all before I came to accept myself as I am. Here's hoping you can relate:

• As a kid, I did whatever I wanted without a care in the world. (Ex: I didn't know, or care, that videogames were a "guy" thing, or that wanting to be the dad in games of house was a bad thing.) My mom controlled the way I dressed, but it didn't really bother me cuz it didn't stop me from being who I was.

• I never had good female role models. My mother had a wishy-washy relationship with me because I didn't turn out the way she wanted me to. And I couldn't see my grandma as much as I needed to. (Who was the ONLY female role model I had.) So, I learned much about the person I wanted to become through the overwhelmingly male characters I was introduced to. (Most prominently, Link from Legend of Zelda.) I was a VERY imaginative person, (still am) and I used said imagination to escape into worlds of my own creation. Eventually I created my own character, a male character named Rolf, and I acted him out in my everyday life because he was who I wanted to become.

• As I entered Jr. High, my parents backed out of my life completely and I was on my own. Shit hit the fan. My friends abandoned me because I was too weird for them. Rumors spread like wildfire that I was a lesbian and a freak. When I came to my parents about it, they blamed me for it, so I never opened up again. I had horrible dating relationships with both guys and girls. Peers picked fistfights with me in the hallways. I didn't fit in with the girls, I didn't fit in with the guys, and so I was isolated and deeply hurt. I learned very early that everything about me just screamed "WRONG" and I didn't know why.

• I was a late bloomer, so I had a flat chest for much of those years. When puberty hit, people called me "man-voice" because my voice dropped instead of getting higher. I never did grow into a very feminine-shaped body, and I wore mostly baggy clothes, so I was fortunately spared of most of the sexualization that happens to pubescent girls. (The worst that happened to me was having my bra straps snapped, or having male peers ask me sexual questions that I had no way of answering at the time.) My cramps were (and still are) horrible, to the point of immobilizing me. And when my mom told me I was a woman now, it destroyed any semblance of self-worth that I had. I started comparing the way I looked to other girls my age and I was self-conscious of how boyish I was in relation to their own changing forms. It seemed that even my own body was trying to mark me as an outcast.

• Going into high school, I followed my mother's ill-ridden advice to change everything and "stop being so weird." So I tried to do everything I could to make her happy. I let her cut my hair into an awful "Karen-like" hairstyle, forced myself to learn how to do makeup, and tried to wear feminine clothes no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. I even put conscious effort to change how my voice sounded. Throughout all this, I dissociated horribly from the energetic, imaginative, tomboyish little girl I used to be in hopes of being something more... accepted by everyone.

• The transition (ha) from catholic high school to public college was another huge hit. Suddenly, I was given freedom again, and I just snapped. I got piercings, I got tattoos. My mom flipped shit when I came home with an arm tattoo because apparently that's where men get tattoos. I had a horrible haircut where I tried to do a "scene" hairstyle, but it turned out to be a glorified mullet. So I slapped on a beanie and cut around it. Seeing myself with short hair was a sight I couldn't take back. Suddenly, I looked in the mirror and I saw Rolf. Big mistake.

• I was introduced to tumblr during this time. And let me tell you, that place is an echochamber hellsite. And I was "educated" about gender ideology and mainstream feminism. After seeking out my colleges LGBT club and expressing my concerns, that's when I heard for the first time that maybe I'm just a man trapped in a woman's body. And I grabbed that "diagnosis" and ran with it. I flunked out of all my classes, I sought out people who would accept my new name and pronouns and shut out people who didn't. I distanced myself from anything I liked that was even remotely feminine, and grew to harbor a lot of unhealthy disdain for other women. I became increasingly more depressed, but I didn't seek out help. In fact, it took two psychiatric ward stays, and three botched suicide attempts to make me look deeper into myself and find out what was really making everything such a mess.

And after tearing all that apart, I came to the realizations that put me where I am now. I pursued therapy, removed myself from toxic communities and the people in them, and forced myself to face myself. And I put forth special effort to unlearn the things I thought were true about women. (That they were all airheaded, deceitful, superficial, weak, etc. You get the point.) I'm still going to therapy to this day: there's plenty of things in my past I need help facing and plenty of internalizations I'm not sure I can unlearn on my own.

I never disrespected the transgender community after this whole mess. The truth is, we're all people trying to make sense of things that no sense can be made of. However, I heavily advocate for tried-and-true therapy that targets the REAL reasons for the transition instead of rubber stamping hormones and sending you on your way.

TL:DR WAYYYY too much personal info that I may or may not regret mentioning, but I'm mentioning it anyway on the hopes that you don't feel so alone and be inspired to be yourself no matter what.

My advice? FACE YOUR PAST, and do it again. Face your beliefs, and do it again. Seek out a therapist that will actually listen to what you have to say. Wear whatever the fuck you want, love whoever the fuck you want, and be whoever the fuck you want to be. Physical shell and all the strings attached, be damned. It's ok to admire things you don't have for yourself, so long as it doesn't control your self-esteem. And NO MATTER WHAT, nothing is more sacred than defending your right to exist as you are born and as you are now. NEVER let anyone take that right from you.

I really hope this helps inspire you to be the best you can be. And that whatever choices you make now and in the future will give you a better life. Good luck!!

I need you to take a deep breath and think about it a little more clearly.

Even if it did come down to it, ultimately, there's no real way to be a woman and there's no real way to be a man. Societal bullshit is the only thing that makes those "labels" seem like molds that you need to fit into. But nothing could be further from the truth!

I'm scared for you, because I was in that position. Even now I am occasionally. And it's mostly because I'm recovering from doing crazy things to myself in order to fit those molds.

I had plenty of relationships with both guys and girls before I met my husband. Though, I suppose I never started actually questioning my sexuality until college. (In general, those years of my life were just a total mess.) I never really cared about peoples bodies, and I still don't. I fall in love with the people they are, and, really, the only time I started questioning it was when my girlfriends at the time called me "boyish" and I was bullied relentlessly over things I didn't know I was doing wrong.

I thought I had to wear dresses and wear makeup and put on nail polish and gossip and listen to boy bands. And for a time, I tried to completely brainwash myself into being that person. This was after Jr. High and during my high school years. And then when I went into college, I snapped and went in the completely opposite direction. Because I figured, if I can't "woman" correctly, then maybe I'm meant to be a man. And, like you, I hyper-focused on the "masculine" interests/inclinations I had and ran with them. I changed my name to something masculine, tried to change my voice, changed my entire fashion sense, you name it, I did it. I came dangerously close to taking hormones, but I was too afraid that it might not be for me.

And now, I couldn't be more thankful for that hesitation. Cuz I was able to break through how ridiculous it all was and bring my head back down from the clouds to fix exactly what I thought of myself. Or the people around me. Turns out, I care wayyyy too much about what's going on outside of me and I was willing to make myself change to "fit in" even though there was nothing to fit into.

Look, the truth is, there's nothing that tells you what you are beyond what you're born as. BUT THIS IS NOT A BAD THING. You ARE NOT limited by your body in any way to be the person you are, or to like the things you like, or wear the things you wear, or love the people you love. If you wore baggier clothes, your body wouldn't burst into flame. I'm sure that while listening to "masculine" music you didn't get struck by lightning. Or suddenly break out into a rash. Your body has absolutely no problem hosting the person you are. You have no reason to be your own worst enemy.

Please try to remove the words masculine and feminine from your vocabulary. Those words do nothing but confuse people. (Or, in some cases, reinforce their insecurities, but that's a whole another thing.) Try thinking instead that you do/love/think/wear things because it's YOU.

And only you can be you. Please, please don't be another copy of the same tried and true "safe" molds that everyone is so obsessed with nowadays. I don't want to witness the death of someone with so much potential. Being exactly how you are without changing a damn thing is exactly the kind of rebellion this world needs! Be a masculine chick and take some names! And don't let anyone or anything tell you that you need to fix it!

Edit: And I know exactly what it's like to have a mind that warps things. I'm not sure if having a mental disorder and questioning your identity are linked per se, but I know they aren't mutually exclusive. If seeing a therapist is too out of your league, then go to a school counselor and MAKE THEM LISTEN. They're a free service in public schools, which means there's a likelihood they won't take you seriously. But if you really try, they can still help out at least a little. Otherwise, definitely keep trying to find ways to get to a therapist.

This is very hypocritical and I admit it. But please try not to worry so much about what others think about what "being female" is. Try to detach the negative connotations associated with being female and exist as you are.

Try detaching the words masculine and feminine from things too. I found that to have helped me alot. Start thinking in ways like "I do/like/wear this thing because it's me."

The people who judge you aren't worth your time, and I say this for both men and women. Some people are just straight up evil and judge each other cuz they have nothing better to do.

Otherwise, all I can say is keep doing exactly what you're doing. It gets easier with time and eventually, you'll make peace with yourself in this crazy world.