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Reddit user /u/Rare_Treat_5098's Detransition Story

Transitioned: 37 -> Detransitioned: 39
male
low self-esteem
hated breasts
took hormones
regrets transitioning
trauma
depression
influenced online
got top surgery
now infertile
body dysmorphia
retransition
homosexual
started as non-binary
anxiety
benefited from non-affirming therapy
autistic
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic.

There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor. The user's story is highly detailed, internally consistent over many months, and reflects the complex, nuanced, and often painful experience of a detransitioner. The account shows a clear and evolving personal philosophy, emotional depth, and specific medical and social details that are difficult to fabricate convincingly. The user's passion and criticism align with the expected perspective of someone who feels they were harmed by transition.

About me

I transitioned in my late thirties and lived as a woman for over two years, but I never truly felt like one deep down. I became exhausted by the constant performance and realized my feelings were more about being a softer, gay man. With the help of exploratory therapy, I understood my dysphoria was linked to trauma and later diagnoses of autism and ADHD. I detransitioned and am now learning to live comfortably as a man who embraces his softness. While I have some physical regrets from hormones, I'm finally focusing on just being myself.

My detransition story

Looking back on my whole journey, it’s strange to see how everything unfolded. I transitioned in my late thirties, at 37, and lived as a trans woman for about two and a half years. I was fully committed, both socially and medically. I was on estrogen and progesterone, got laser hair removal, and did a lot of voice coaching to sound feminine. I even got to the point of planning for bottom surgery, but I backed out just in time.

I passed well enough, especially for my age, and my voice work really helped. I had dates with bi and straight men and was accepted into women's social circles. But deep down, I never felt like a woman. I just felt like a man who had gotten really good at pretending from a distance. The dates never led to anything serious, and no matter how accepting my female friends were, I always felt like there was something lost in translation. I never fully connected.

After a while, I just got tired. Tired of the constant effort with my voice, the makeup, the struggle to find clothes that fit my male frame. I was tired of feeling stuck between two worlds, never truly blending in with men or women, no matter how "woke" they were. I started to feel like I just looked like a drag queen.

A big turning point for me was realizing that a lot of my feelings were tied to being a softer, gay man. I started to think that instead of calling myself "feminine," I could just be a "soft" man. I wanted to take back the softness that men are allowed to have, just as women are allowed to have hardness. I decided to go back to living as a man, but on my own terms. I kept my long hair, I still paint my nails, I love reading trashy romance novels, and I'm still the nurturing, soft friend in my group. I realized I actually love being friends with women, but I prefer to do it as a gay man, not as a woman. I've always loved being the 'safe' man for women, and I still do.

My thoughts on gender really changed. I came to see "gender identity" as a concept that only exists within the transgender belief system, similar to how the "soul" exists in religion. It's a idea you're given to make you feel special, but it also makes you dependent on that system. I decided to become agnostic about gender. I stopped overthinking it and just focused on living. I also saw how transitioning could be unintentionally misogynistic and misandrist, reducing womanhood to stereotypes like liking certain clothes or hobbies. I realized that liking long hair and nail polish doesn't make me a woman; it just makes me a man who likes those things.

I have regrets about the physical changes. HRT felt like it just trapped me in a different body. I never had breasts before, and now I do. Even though I've stopped hormones and my body has remasculinized somewhat, the breast tissue remains. I'm looking into top surgery, but that will leave scars. So my chest will always be marked by my transition, either by the breasts or the scars. I miss how my shirts used to fit on a flat chest.

Getting help was crucial. When I started to doubt my transition, I saw a gender exploratory therapist instead of an affirmative one. It was so helpful to have my dysphoria taken seriously without automatically assuming I needed to transition. We worked on the root causes, like my past trauma and the challenges of being a gender non-conforming gay man growing up. I was also diagnosed with ADHD and autism after I detransitioned, and that explained so much. My ADHD led to intense hyperfixations, and my autism made it hard to have a strong sense of self, making me easy to influence. The trans identity became a special interest, and once the novelty wore off after a couple of years, the fixation faded, and I was left seeing myself as a man again.

I had to go through a lot of grief and anger, especially towards myself. My counselor worked with me on self-forgiveness, which is really hard when you're an empathetic person who finds it easy to forgive others but hard to forgive yourself. It took about six months after detransitioning to feel any sense of normalcy again. I lost friends both when I transitioned and when I detransitioned, and it was painful to have people accidentally misgender me and then awkwardly correct themselves.

Now, I'm comfortable as a soft gay man. I don't use terms like "masc" or "femme" anymore; I think in terms of "soft" and "hard" energy. I want to make the box of what it means to be a man big enough to fit me, rather than creating a whole new box to fit into. The most masculine thing I can do is own what I like and not care what others think.

Here is a timeline of my journey:

My Age Event
37 Started medical and social transition (MTF). Began estrogen, progesterone, laser hair removal, and voice coaching.
37-39 Lived as a trans woman for 2.5 years. Planned for bottom surgery but decided against it.
39 Began to detransition medically and socially (MTFTM). Stopped hormones.
39 (continued) Started therapy to explore root causes of dysphoria (trauma, being a GNC gay man).
39 (continued) Received diagnoses for ADHD and Autism.
39-40 Approximately 8-9 months into detransition, feeling settled as a soft gay man. Exploring top surgery for gynecomastia caused by HRT.

Top Comments by /u/Rare_Treat_5098:

30 comments • Posting since July 26, 2023
Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) comments on the difference between trans men and trans women in gay and lesbian spaces, arguing that male-socialized trans women often assert themselves in women's spaces, making others uncomfortable.
127 pointsFeb 1, 2024
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As a gay man, I can't speak for lesbians but I do see the uptick in "gay" trans men trying to not only be in gay spaces, which that's ok, but when they try to assert to tell other men what a man is, that's when they lost the plot.

Though trans men, because of their female socialization growing up, don't do this too often. On the other hand I've seen many trans women engage with their male socialization to push and assert that they be owed to be seen a certain way. At that point we have, at face value, socialized men trying to push into woman's spaces and center themselves in that space. And that's when other people start getting uncomfortable.

Gender is essentially just personality, so not a good reason to invade opposite sex spaces or at least realize they are to be the polite visitor in that case.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) explains why they backed out of bottom surgery and discusses the unintentionally sexist stereotypes that can lead to transitioning.
64 pointsOct 2, 2023
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Very much agree with your point, I was definitely aiming for bottom surgery because I seemed like the real deal. But then the realities of it not being a real vagina caught up with me. Backed out of surgery luckily shortly after.

Another one is how unintentionally misogynistic and misandrist transitioning can be.

"What makes you feel like a trans woman? "Oh I like x, y & z femme things". I fell into this trap. Only later realising I'm most comfortable as a soft gay man. I want long hair, nails, being soft and nurturing and read trashy romance. But NONE of these things make me a woman. And I don't need them too. Flipside I find it frustrating when a woman says they feel like they're a man cause they like stereotypically masc things. Like someone saying they're a man because they like cars, sports and Limp Bizkit and I over here going "there's more than one way to be a man"

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) explains the danger of prioritizing gender identity over biological sex, arguing it erases women's innate vulnerability and creates unsafe spaces.
60 pointsFeb 10, 2024
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"You're a man so you can't experience misogyny"

This is why only gender identity mattering over sex is so dangerous. Is goes - "hey, on paper you're the gender you say you are and ergo must treat you like you have the same experience as that gender". Innate sexual vulnerability? Doesn't matte your a man. Only been a woman for 2 days? You're the same as all the other adult woman in the locker room.

It wants so madly to validate identity that it neglects everything else, all in service of social "progress"

I'm sorry I was like that for you, It too worries me over what will happen to the little girls that start to believe in it.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) explains why biological sex is the defining characteristic in a lesbian space, not a minor detail.
47 pointsFeb 1, 2024
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The way I see it both interact with society as lesbian women with the only difference being sex

Well that's the thing, this is talking about lesbian spaces. A sexuality. So given that it's about sexuality is not this tiny, barely regarded throwawy characteristic. It's essentially the main characteristic when talking about sexuality, which is what a lesbian space is for.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) comments on the prevalence of discussing male anatomy in gay men's spaces versus lesbian spaces.
46 pointsFeb 1, 2024
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Well that's the thing, I'm a gay man not a lesbian. So I wouldn't deign to guess what lesbians do in their spaces. But in gay men's spaces we talk about the male reproductive system quite a lot actually. So yeah at least for me it comes up quite a lot.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) explains his detransition, arguing that gender identity is a made-up concept and that detransition due to transphobia is a "cope."
46 pointsFeb 14, 2024
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I'm a man, I don't really use the term cis personally.

I detransitoned because I came to the conclusion that gender identity is made up fluff. Gender identity is to transgender theory as a soul is to Catholics. That any of the things I like about womanhood like nails, hair, make up, softer personality is actually a very shallow read of womanhood. None of that actually made me a woman. And "feeling like a woman" is really only something men can do.

The "detransitoned because if transphobia" angle I feel is a cope, most detransitioners I talk to, this was not their reason. Sure maybe it was the reason 10-15 yrs ago when there was more gatekeeping. But when they got rid of those "gatekeeping" checks we got more people transitioning, more potential regretted and more varied reasons for detransitions besides just transphobia.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) explains how his autism diagnosis post-detransition clarified his experience, citing feeling impartial to gender, black-and-white thinking that equated interests with gender identity, and a love for the clear labels offered by 2015 Tumblr ideology.
44 pointsFeb 18, 2024
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I was diagnosed autistic after I detransitoned. Made the whole transition make sense in retrospect. Feeling weird or impartial to gender, especially when I let myself overthink it.

I tend to be a very black or white thinker - made it easy to trick myself to think that because I like makeup and my nails pained and have long hair that that has to equal woman.

Lastly, because of my autism, I love labels and systems where everything is clear - and 2015 tumbler ideologically had plenty of, labels and clarity.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) explains his frustration with the "authentic self" narrative applied to his detransition, which he compares to leaving a cult, and criticizes other subreddits for promoting a "trans-first" perspective that hinders grieving.
28 pointsJan 31, 2024
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Very true. I've even had people just straight up apply that to my detransition story, that it's my "journey" to by my "authentic self" which feels awful considering I feel like I joined a cult and subsequently had to leave it when I finally saw the movement for what it was. It left its mark on my body and it's my work to learn to accept it now.

Insult to injury I see other "detrans" threads like r/Actual_Detrans that are run by mostly trans people (last time I checked) that seems more interested in promoting this "trans first validating" perspective. Hard to grieve when you have to walk on eggshells at the same time.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) questions why gender is prioritized over sex, especially in sexuality-based spaces.
26 pointsFeb 1, 2024
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Im genuinely not sure why you make gender the be all I'm comparison to sex and try to make sex seem so small and inconsequential.

Especially in sexuality spaces. If gender & sex are to be the same but different then sexuality would be offered the same level of weight as gender in your argument. But you seem intent on making gender the most important? I'm not sure exactly why.

Reddit user Rare_Treat_5098 (detrans male) explains that gender identity is a belief system token, similar to the concept of a soul in Christianity, designed to create dependency, and advises becoming "agnostic" to it.
25 pointsSep 25, 2023
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Absolutely! It really helped me to think of "gender identity" is to transgender as "soul" is to Christianity. It's a token, part of a belief system, given to you. To make you feel unique and cared for but also to attach and make you dependent on the belief system. It sets the stakes, if you don't work to save it or reflect on it constantly you are in danger of losing your authentic self.

You're correct, best thing to do is to become agnostic of it. Don't overthink it, just live it.

(Also no hate to any Christians here, just speaking out of my experience when I left the church decades ago for being gay)