My journey with transition and detransition was long and complicated, and it’s taken me a lot of time to understand it myself. I was born female, and from a young age, I felt a deep discomfort with my body, especially when I went through puberty. I hated developing breasts; it felt completely wrong and foreign to me. I didn't feel connected to the idea of being a woman, which I saw as a set of stereotypes and roles that I didn't fit into. I now believe there really is no such thing as gender roles anymore, and it’s frustrating to see people treat "he" and "she" as a personality type.

I started to believe that I must be a man, and I began to transition socially. I was heavily influenced by what I saw online and by friends in my community who affirmed this new identity. Looking back, I think a lot of this was escapism. I was deeply unhappy and had very low self-esteem. I also struggled with depression and anxiety. I now believe I was never a man and that this was a way to try and escape from being a woman that I didn't know how to be.

I eventually started taking testosterone. I thought it would solve my problems and make me feel at home in my body. For a while, it did make me feel better, but that feeling didn't last. The changes were permanent, and I started to realize the gravity of what I had done. I also got top surgery. I was so focused on getting rid of the parts of my body I hated that I didn't fully consider the long-term consequences. I now see my body as having been mutilated. I traded functioning parts for something that can never be what I truly wanted it to be.

I came to understand that my deep-seated issues weren't about gender at all. I think I am autistic, and that played a huge role in my social confusion and my inability to relate to the typical experiences of the women around me. I also had serious self-esteem issues and used transition as a way to try and fix myself. I benefited greatly from therapy that was not affirming of a trans identity; it helped me unravel the reasons why I wanted to transition in the first place, which were rooted in trauma, autism, and a rejection of my own body.

I have many regrets about my transition. I regret taking testosterone and I deeply regret getting top surgery. I am now infertile, which is a profound loss. I radically reduced the number of romantic partners I could have and went through serious health complications from my surgeries. I realize now that I was trying to become something I could never be. A man is not a stereotype. A metoidioplasty is nothing like a real penis, and phalloplasty has a huge complication rate for a result that doesn't function like the real thing. I was a woman all along, a masculine woman, and there is nothing wrong with that. I wish I had learned self-love for the things I can change and acceptance for the things I cannot, instead of pursuing medicalization.

My thoughts on gender are simple now: sex is biological, and it matters. For the vast majority of the world, sex equals gender, and I think that’s how it should be. I was a woman trying to become a man, but I was always, and will always be, a woman. And that's okay.