This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or inauthentic. The user provides consistent, detailed, and emotionally nuanced personal experiences as a detransitioned woman, including specific medical details (e.g., top surgery, T effects, laser hair removal), internal conflicts, and advice that reflects a complex, lived experience. The passion and occasional anger align with the expected sentiment of someone who has experienced harm from transitioning and stigma from both trans and detrans communities. The account does not exhibit the patterns of a troll or bot.
About me
I was a tomboy who never fit in as a girl, and I found an explanation for my discomfort online, leading me to transition to male in my twenties. For a decade, I lived as a man, and I loved the changes from testosterone and my top surgery. Eventually, I realized my transition was an attempt to escape trauma and other mental health struggles, not a true reflection of who I was. I've since detransitioned and am learning to live as a woman again, though I struggle with the permanent changes like my deep voice and flat chest. I don't regret the journey, but I deeply regret not addressing my underlying issues before making irreversible decisions.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started long before I even knew what being transgender was. As a kid, I was a tomboy and never really fit in with the expectations placed on girls. I felt more comfortable around boys and was confused about why I was grouped with the girls. I hated the changes that came with puberty; my breasts felt wrong on my body from the very beginning. I spent a lot of time online, and on places like Tumblr, I found communities where my feelings seemed to make sense in the context of being a trans man. It felt like all the pieces were falling into place.
I socially transitioned in my early twenties and started testosterone soon after. For a while, it felt right. I loved the changes T brought—my voice deepened, I grew facial hair, and I finally started to feel at home in my skin. I had top surgery to remove my breasts, and I was ecstatic. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted, both physically and emotionally. I lived as a man for about ten years, through my entire twenties. I got married during that time—I wore a suit in my wedding photos.
But over time, a feeling of unease started to creep back in. I began to realize that my desire to transition was tangled up with a lot of other things: deep-seated trauma, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. I had always struggled with my body image and had a complicated relationship with being a woman. I started to understand that I had been using transition as a way to escape from myself and my past. I also have OCD, and I now see how my obsessive thought patterns latched onto gender as a thing to fixate on and try to "solve."
The realization that I wasn't trans, but was instead a woman who had gone through a very difficult time, was both devastating and freeing. I decided to detransition. Coming off testosterone was a process. Some changes, like my deeper voice and facial hair, are permanent. My chest is gone forever. I’ve had to make peace with that.
Now, I identify as a woman, but my relationship with womanhood is complicated. I don't always "feel" like a woman, but I know that I am one. I spent a decade of my life being seen as a man, so sometimes I feel like an imposter in women's spaces, like I'm intruding or that I don't belong. I worry that people will always see me as a man, or as a poorly passing trans woman, because of my flat chest and deeper voice. To cope, I bought adhesive breasts that I can stick on for certain occasions. It sounds silly, but looking down and seeing a shape there again really does help on the hard days. I also wear wigs sometimes because T caused my hair to thin and bald on top.
I don't regret my entire transition. It was a journey I needed to go on to get to where I am now. It taught me so much about myself. But I do have regrets about the permanent changes, especially my top surgery. I’m sad that I’ll never be able to breastfeed. I grieve the experiences I missed out on, like having a prom or wearing a wedding dress. Most of all, I regret not digging deeper into the root causes of my discomfort before making such permanent decisions.
My thoughts on gender now are that it's incredibly complex. For me, the labels aren't as important as just being myself. I'm a woman, but my gender expression is a mix of masculine and feminine. I’ve learned that I don't have to perform or fit into a perfect box to be valid. My goal now is to just live my life without so much focus on what gender I am or how I'm perceived. Some days are easier than others. I still struggle with body image and self-esteem, but I’m learning to be kinder to myself. I’m focusing on healing my inner child and giving myself the grace to just be.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Early 20s | Started socially transitioning to male. |
| Early 20s | Began taking testosterone. |
| Mid 20s | Underwent top surgery (double mastectomy). |
| 29 | Began the process of detransitioning, stopping testosterone. |
| 30 | Formally detransitioned and resumed living as a woman. |
Top Comments by /u/ReasonableSpud:
Alright, this is a pretty loaded post, and you're very young, so I'm not going to yell.
From what you've said in your post, you're not transgender. You mentioned you don't even attempt to pass, so you're male presenting, going into women's spaces, because women accept you. That's what it boils down to; women have accepted you, because they assume you're also a woman, albeit a trans woman. You have a social life now, and have even tricked your female friends into believing you're safe. Your sexual comments and seeing them naked is a massive red flag, and throws you into predator territory.
You want to transition for the social aspect. That isn't going to last. You'll start to see changes in your body that will cause dysphoria because you don't have body dysphoria (as it seems to suggest) - you'll find that as you get older, the social aspect dwindles, and you will be around women - not young girls - who don't change in front of each other or who randomly ask for sexual exchanges. You'll be around grown adults. Young women and adult women have a different mindset. They will grow up, and you'll be stuck with your choices - detransitioning after HRT and surgery is vastly different than detransitioning after socially presenting.
Your question - can you be seen as an incel? ...Yeah. You don't believe you're a woman, you're using the title of woman to gain access to women's spaces and put yourself around women who have accepted you as a woman. You're using the sisterhood women share to your advantage, and it comes across gross.
You're 17 now - when you're in your 20s, 30s, beyond, you'll be lonely, because lesbians rarely want to date trans women, and straight women won't date a trans woman because they're women, which leaves bisexual women, who ... well, to put it bluntly, if they want someone with a dick, they'll date a man, and if they want someone with a vagina, they'll date a woman. Some lesbian, straight, and bisexual woman WILL date trans women, but not if you don't present as a woman, and they're also very hard to find.
You will eventually be lonely again because the social aspect will change, and it won't be to your liking. You go into a woman's space presenting as a man but claim you're a woman will lead to a ton of women feeling uncomfortable, and hopefully will result in you being thrown out because changing in front of friends is one thing, but going into a public space is entirely different.
You're young, and lonely, so this all can be coming from a place of desperation - but at the end of the day, what you've presented makes you seem like a predator, and if I were one of you're female friends and knew you felt this way, I'd feel so violated: you're using the accepting nature of these women so you can be close to someone, and MAYBE get to see a boob...?
Your therapist is correct. You need to work on yourself, because once your life gets better, you'll be coming to this sub with very different issues, and a lot of them won't be easily fixed.
Trans men aren't male, and trans women aren't female - that's why they're transgender in the first place, and usually seek to transition socially and medically - to better align themselves with the sex they feel they are.
Stating a fact isn't transphobic, and if that's the only transphobic thing you've seen in this sub...well...lol. A very large portion of trans people acknowledge they'll never be a different sex, but they can do things to make them comfortable and closer to. Of course that thought will trigger dysphoria. I'm pretty sure even a trans man who has fully transitioned still feels dysphoric over that fact. It's unfortunate, but a lot of trans people make peace with it and live the life they want.
If you look through posts, you'll see a lot of posts of people who want to transition, who feel dysphoric living as their birth sex, but feel they'd be "lying" to themselves because they can't change their sex, and transitioning wouldn't bring them the peace they desire.
This sub is a place for detransitioners, why would it be open to any and everyone? So trans people can come in and shame us for our stories? Tell us we're traitors? Try to convince us that the grass is greener on the other side but we just gave up too early?
I'm not saying this sub is perfect - everyone here has their own opinions and yes, that includes transphobic opinions.
This sub also wouldn't exist if trans people were more open to accepting that some people were wrong about their transition, and helping them. If I posted in a trans subreddit about my detransition, do you honestly think I'd have people supporting me...? I'm sure some would, but I'd be willing to bet I'd have a lot more comments telling me to f*ck off and that I was transphobic, and why am I posting in their sub?
Anyways. This is a sub for detransitioners to express their stories, grief, anger. It's not a sub to make trans people feel like they belong - there are many other subs and people who they can turn to for that. We're allowed to have one thing.
We're our own worst enemy, and self esteem issues would be present regardless of if you transitioned or not, it's human to find flaws about ourselves.
I don't find myself attractive as a woman. As a man, sure I was cute, but as a woman? No. Testosterone and top surgery, like you think, has ruined me, too. Except it really hasn't. People at my work tell me I look great in my outfits, that I'm beautiful and cute... things I don't see, but they do. People don't view you with the same eyes you view yourself. Some people will see a trans woman, or masculine woman, but that's okay - cis people get that confusion too, they just don't have past experiences with this stuff to have it impact them the same way.
Think about what you think is "ruined" and work on it - both internally and externally.
For example, mine was my facial hair. T gave me a pretty wicked beard, and I hated the five o'clock shadow, the shaving, the whole thing. So I got laser hair removal, and now the worst of it is gone, I've started to learn to accept little patches that I have - women also grow facial hair, no one has ever pointed it out, it's not as big a deal as I think, my background is known for their hairy...everything, it doesn't change the fact I'm a woman. I've grown to accept the patches - I don't like them, but they're just a part of me now, and it's okay.
When I go out, I make peace with the fact that depending on what I'm wearing, I'll be seen as a man or woman, but it changes nothing. Sometimes it stings, but it gets less and less as I move further away from the start of my detransition process.
You haven't ruined anything. Framing it that way will make it so much worse than it is, although I understand where you're coming from 100% - it's just a matter of finding what makes you feel good, and doing it, and learning that what other people think of you is what it is, it changes nothing on who you are.
Grieving what you could have been is understandable, and I think a lot of us have been there, and are going through it. Just make sure that grief doesn't stop you moving forward. It's fine to mourn, it's not fine to give up.
There will be many times in your life you'll go through the worst thing that's ever happened to you, and you'll find, looking back, that you made it through all of them.
So I’ve been off hormones for a very long time - more than 3 years, and hormones took really well for me, even though I was off and on them for a short(ish) period of time, and at a fairly low dose - my voice deepened, facial and body hair came full and thick, I didn’t notice much of my fat distribution, but I’m also a heavier set person (both in body weight, and skeletal structure), and my hair thinned badly and is almost bald at the top. I’ve had top surgery, changed my name and gender marker.
Things do get better. I’m recently detransitioned - less than a year, I’d say, and some days it’s easy, other days … not so much. I relate - I worry that I’ll always look like a man, or a poorly passing trans woman. I often worry that I’ve disowned my womanhood, and I’ll never fully get it back; the spaces for me, such as women spaces, aren’t really for me.
The thing I found when detransitioning is that at the end of the day, I’m me. I identify as a woman, as female, and I introduce myself as a she, but my gender presentation is a strong mix of the two. I will probably always be misgendered - and I was before I transitioned, too. I know cis people who have never done anything trans related who get misgendered. It’s a human experience, not an experience only trans people go through - I think it hits trans and detrans people harder because of our experiences with gender.
That’s just something to think about. It helped me in accepting that the way people view me will probably always be split, and that’s okay.
As for the rest of your post:
There are plenty of women who go through early balding, or thinning, or their hair is patchy. Some choose to shave their head and rock the bald look, and others choose to wear wigs. I’ve gone with wigs, and growing my hair out the best I can and making it appear fuller with headbands and hats. I have curly hair, so my bald spot tends to get hidden fairly easily, but I recommend wigs. More and more women are opting to use wigs, regardless of what their natural hair is like. If the state of your hair is distressing to you, see if you can rock a bald hair cut, and if not, pick out a couple wigs you like and rock those. Amazon sells them cheap, once you’re just finding your style I wouldn’t spend a ton of money for amazing quality wigs. Just wigs that make you feel more comfortable.
Some women have super deep voices. You’ll probably hear me say “some women have…” a lot in this response. Your voice is uniquely you. If it bugs you a lot, voice training may benefit you, since your voice probably won’t recover fully from being on T. My voice is that voice - the very clearly woman who was on T voice. And … some times I’m self conscious about it, but it’s my voice. Some people think it sounds amazing, some people get confused because it doesn’t match what they see. Either way, voice training may help, or just accepting that you’re a woman with a deep voice. Some women would kill to have one.
Your body being masculine, again, is okay. There are women body builders, and women who have a masculine body, and they’re still women. Finding a style that works with your body helps a lot. Like I said, I’m heavy set in both weight and skeletal, and I have to avoid certain clothes because it brings attention to things I’d rather it not. I don’t wear baggy jeans, or certain length skirts because they just look trash on me. I don’t have the body type for it. But I do have the body type for many other clothes. It’s just finding what compliments you and your shape. If your lack of chest is upsetting, buying a padded sports bra helps, or buying adhesive breasts. I use adhesive because a smaller chest wouldn’t match my frame, but I’ve gotten away with just a padded sports bra before.
In some people’s eyes, you’ll always look like a teenage boy, or a guy, and in others, you’ll look like a woman.
The only eyes that matter are your own. That will be your biggest struggle. Looking in the mirror and not thinking you’re a hideous woman is TOUGH. It’s tough for everyone. Tougher for those who lost their womanhood or never got introduced to it in the first place.
Your gender marker can be changed. Your cycle can be managed - if it’s a big deal, look into non-hormone related birth control to stop it. Periods suck, I get mine every month, and I end up being a wreck when I get it due to hormones, but the longer you have it, the less it becomes a traumatic event, and more just an annoyance. For some, obviously, but that’s why BC exists - some women cannot handle a cycle, so they prevent it from happening.
As for women not being attracted to you due to you looking like a man, I speak from experience - NOTHING makes me question my sexuality more than a butch woman, or an incredibly masculine woman who isn’t a trans man. There are women out there that will see you and get heart eyes.
You’re young, and unfortunately at the age you’re at everything can seem like a much bigger and unmanageable or unfixable problem.
In 10 years, you’ll remember how you felt through this period of your life and wonder how you ever thought you couldn’t make it through, or how you thought it would always be this bad.
Nothing in life is unfixable, unmanageable, and things always get better, you just need to allow them to. Take a couple deep breaths, think of where you want to go, and take little steps getting there. You’re not going to wake up tomorrow as the person you want to be, but you will wake up one day and be that person, and you’ll be happy that you gave yourself the forgiveness and grace to become that person.
I bought adhesive breasts from Amazon. I can wear dresses and everything with them, but I have to tape the fabric from the dress (or top) to my skin so that the adhesive isn't showing. It has helped a lot. The adhesive is really good, and they feel pretty accurate. Plus, I own one of the bras that have pockets for them if I don't want to stick them to my skin that day.
When I told my brother I was detransitioning, he responded with “Yeah, I figure you would.”
I can promise that if he tried to push detransitioning onto me before I was ready, I’d have been mad, and our relationship would have suffered. What he did was talk to me, he let me live my life and he was there when I figured my own stuff out. Didn’t matter that he knew what would happen. When I would talk to him about depression, even if it was trans or gender related, he never tried to push an agenda onto me. He accepted me any way that I was, and he was there to talk to.
The depression may be linked to transition, it may not, but going in with the intent of getting them to detransition will only hurt them further.
I understand as an older sibling you want to protect them and help them, but in this case … you should start by listening. You’re assuming it’s gender related. It could have nothing to do with it, and the timeline is just convenient for your narrative. Ask them. Don’t mention being transgender or anything unless they bring it up. Just like detransitioners don’t like trans people trying to push their agenda, it goes the same for trans people.
Medically transitioned, just recently started my detransition. I had my chest removed as well, and I was happy for awhile, and then came the realization that it wasn’t me being trans, but other trauma.
My chest is gone - for good. But! I’ve purchased a fake chest that sticks to my chest, and I wear a bra. I can’t wear low cut tops because you can tell where it’s stuck down, but regular shirts and stuff, looking down I have my chest back.
But while your chest may be gone, there are ways to feel comfortable. Chest plates, fake breasts - I didn’t think it’d help, but it really does. And going off T, while it won’t change some things back, it does change a lot back.
As silly as this will sound, take a deep breath. Everything will be okay, and there is always a solution. Your life isn’t over, and you’ll eventually start seeing yourself in the mirror again, it’ll just take time :)
(e) Had to repost because I forgot my flare.
Speaking from someone who has had top surgery, when I got it, I didn’t regret it. I loved it, actually. It gave me what I needed.
That being said, when I still identified as a trans man, I was upset to learn that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to become pregnant, but it was still on the table for discussion and learning I couldn’t breastfeed made me uncomfortable to learn.
Now that I’ve detransitioned, I wear adhesive breasts for certain events, but don’t mind going without, it doesn’t really effect my dysphoria.
Now in your case, I’d look into why taking T makes it worse. Is it because it’s not doing enough, or are you unhappy with what it is doing?
I’d strongly suggest pushing it back.
It’s normal to worry about if you’ll regret it, and in some cases trans people DO regret it right after surgery but then like it afterwards, but it’s such a massive change that takes time to get use to.
But in some cases, it’s that you’re not trans and it’s something else, and it’s best to take the time - real time and real deep thinking, to make that decision, especially one as permanent, and at such a young age.
Like I said, I’d strongly recommend looking into why you’re feeling this way, and try to ignore all outside influence. Do you want to remove your chest, or is it expected? Do you see yourself as an old man? Are you okay with not breastfeeding? What is the root cause of your discomfort? Stuff like that. Ignore what your friends think, what the trans subreddits think is right and wrong, and ignore what this subreddit thinks is right or wrong.
This is, unfortunately, all questions you have to ask yourself, and be completely honest with yourself. I would push it back until you can answer those questions, and be sure this is what you want.
Chubby woman who had a double mastectomy here! I totally understand the proportion thing, even with adhesives and padding, it's barely noticeable due to my stomach... only when I look down does it feel like I have breasts again. Frustrating, and when I'm outside, going past anything that shows my reflection tanks my confidence due to just the proportions alone.
That being said, it's not all the time that I feel that way. I'm more upset that I'm fat than I am over my breasts at this point in my life, especially knowing if I lost weight, I'd feel better about my chest.
The thing that helped me was (and is) - I work with women. At first, I couldn't stop feeling like I didn't belong there, that they were more of a woman than I was because they had their chest - which logically makes no sense because I would never feel that way towards another woman - like, if you and I were in a room, I would never think you less of a woman because of your chest situation.
But because I work with women, and the majority of clients I work with are women, I noticed that they're all different. I was speaking about a breast augmentation with my coworkers and a good friend asked why, and when I said I was flat chested (she knows my story), she said she was too, and that what I was seeing was all padding. It just sort of clicked that, like, oh damn, my surgery didn't make me less of a woman... Also, the other woman jumped right in with the most uplifting shit, letting me know that I was whole however I come and that my breast size (or lack thereof) didn't change that.
I'm not going to sit here and lie - being flat chested is different than a double mastectomy. What you see in the mirror is different. We can only do things that help us cope - for me, it's wearing padding and making my more feminine features pop. It's a lot of reassuring yourself, looking at it from a "my breasts didn't make me who I was and am" and accepting that truth.
It's also a lot of time, and being okay one day with your chest being gone, and the other being upset about it - but that's grief, it comes and goes, and it comes in different strengths. You're allowed to feel all of it.
Try to think of yourself the way your girlfriend, your best friend, or whoever thinks of you. They don't see what you see. They don't see who you see. They see who you truly are. Use that as an anchor to move forward and find your way of coping - one day, the grief you feel will come less frequently.
So I'll go by paragraph, and a note, I see a lot of me in this post, but you and I are two different people so my story and my outcome may be different.
Part one: People will find connections when they're looking for them, and it may make sense, but that doesn't make it so. I found connections when I was transitioning, too. "It makes sense I was xyz", "it makes senses I felt xyz"... the list will go on. People find comfort in finding reasons why (usually) negative aspects of their life happened.
I think the idea of being a man is appealing because if you don't "feel" like a woman, what's the alternative?
You going through this may just be related to depression and anxiety, mental health struggles can find you searching for a solution, no matter how drastic.
Many people don't... feel like a man or a woman, it's just an inherent knowledge. I don't feel like I'm a woman, but I am. I just know. And I know for sure now since I tried the other side.
Dwelling and thinking so much about gender will impact you and your decision. You'll find ways to convince yourself you're trans, even if it makes no sense. You'll start assigning meaning to things that aren't there.
My biggest advice is to stop trying to put yourself in a category of man or woman right now. You can experiment with your style and maybe go more masculine to see if that does anything, but at the end of the day, your sole focus should be healing as yourself, not as a woman or man.
You've not lost your womanhood, and your disconnect can be from a number of things. It sounds like you're going through a rought time, which doesn't help. And you mentioned you're constantly thinking about it - like obsession. It sounds like your OCD has moved to a different target, but it's more subtle.
We will always find reasons why our depression and sense of self is so... unknown, because we want answers, and we want a solution. Something that we can do to make us feel whole.
I wouldn't jump to being transgender as that solution. I wouldn't jump to anything - our sense of self shakes constantly, and when it does, we just have to know that it's one step at a time.
This isn't to say you are or aren't trans, but it is to say don't make any rash decisions while you're in the throw of a difficult and upsetting time.