This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears authentic. The user demonstrates deep, nuanced, and emotionally charged personal reflection on their gender identity, transition, and detransition. The internal conflict, evolving perspective, and focus on mental health and self-acceptance are consistent with a genuine person navigating this difficult experience. There are no red flags suggesting this is a bot or an inauthentic account.
About me
My whole journey started with a deep discomfort I couldn't explain; I was born female but always felt drawn to masculine things. I thought transitioning would help me be seen as a guy, but I was terrified it was just an escape from my underlying depression and anxiety. I tried testosterone for five months, but my anxiety got so bad I had to stop, scared of making permanent changes while my mental health was so unstable. Now, I see myself as somewhere in between, a person who is just drawn to a masculine way of being. I'm pausing everything to focus on building a life that isn't entirely centered on gender.
My detransition story
My whole journey with gender has been confusing and scary, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. It started with a deep discomfort that I couldn't really explain. I was born female, but from a young age, I felt drawn to masculine things. I tried for years to force myself to fit into the female role because that's what I was taught the world expected of me, but it just made me hate myself more. It felt like I was constantly repressing a huge part of who I was.
I never felt like a "man trapped in a woman's body." That narrative never fit me. For me, it was more about presentation and how I wanted to be seen by others. I just wanted to be seen as a guy, a dude. I liked the idea of people putting me in the male category. I realized that a big part of my desire to transition was about changing what other people see when they look at me. I thought that if I could look male, then maybe I could finally feel comfortable.
I struggled a lot with low self-esteem and depression long before I ever started questioning my gender. I knew that hormones or surgery wouldn't magically fix that. I kept telling myself that I had to learn to love myself regardless of gender. The path to self-acceptance without transitioning seemed like agony, but I was terrified that transitioning would just be an escape and not a real solution. I was so afraid of being brainwashed, even though I didn't grow up around any trans influences. The fear that I might wake up one day and not feel this way anymore was always in the back of my mind.
I did start testosterone. I was on it for about five months. But my anxiety got really bad, and I realized my mental health was completely out of control. I decided to pause everything because I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle the regret if I changed my body and then later changed my mind. I felt stuck between two fears: the regret of never trying, and the regret of going too far. I needed to get my mental health to a better place before I could make any permanent decisions.
My thoughts on gender are messy. I don't think male and female brains are fundamentally different. I think we're just wired to like what we like. For me, that wiring is drawn to masculinity. It’s my favorite "flavor" of presentation. I see myself as somewhere in between, not fully a man and not a woman, because my experiences being raised female are a part of me that I can't erase.
I don't have any major regrets about my transition so far because I didn't do anything permanent. The time I spent on hormones was a learning experience. I'm still heavily questioning. I'm trying to focus on building a life and a sense of self that isn't entirely centered on gender, because I know that's what I need most.
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| Late Teens | Started questioning my gender identity. |
| Early 20s | Began taking testosterone (HRT). |
| Early 20s | Stopped HRT after 5 months due to severe anxiety and a need to focus on my mental health. |
| Early 20s | Currently paused, focusing on improving my mental health and distress tolerance before making any further decisions. |
Top Comments by /u/Retexo:
Who brainwashed you into believing this? Also what age did you start medically transitioning? How soon after "realizing" you were trans did you start to seek transition, if you don't mind me asking?
I am terrified of having been brainwashed too, even though I didn't really grow up around anyone trans or trans media or LGBT anything... But I still worry that somehow, someway, the idea sucked me into it and I will wake up suddenly not a trans person.
“It doesn’t change anything about you, it just changes what other people see,” Exactly! But...for me, that’s what I want? That’s the goal of hormones... To have others see how you feel/are... When I started HRT, I never had the impression of becoming a man. I never had the narrative of “man trapped in a woman’s body” or anything like that. I just feel more comfortable as...a guy. A dude. Not a “man” per say, but male. I actually feel uncomfortable thinking of myself totally as a cis man, becuase I know I never was and never will be. My experience and being raised female has given me something no man can ever have, and my feelings right now seem to be very, very uncommon for women, so I wil never fit in with women either. I am something outside of those, somewhere in this weird spectrum in between, and I do prefer others seeing me, and treating me, as a male. There are aspects of HRT that I won’t like/are uncomfortable, but there are far many aspects of my natural shape that I don’t like/are uncomfortable as well...
Your story terrifies me, because I am so afraid that something similar will happen to me... Although I am well out of my teens, and didn’t start questioning even until my late teens. I also understand that hormones and surgeries are NOT a fix-all, and that I MUST accept myself/love myself outside of gender altogether. Which I am working on currently. Changing myself with hormones/surgery would not be an attempt at escaping myself, but rather an act of self-love that holds a lot of fear and faith in the decision... Which is why I am still heavily, heavily questioning before I make any further moves.
I guess where we differ is that I don’t feel like I need hormones/surgery to love myself. I think my journey to self-love has to come regardless of my gender identity, and I know that hormones/surgery will not give me self-love. I have struggled with self-hate prior to identifying as trans, and struggle with it post-identifying as trans, and would still struggle with it even if I did transition fully. Self-hate and self-love are things I have to overcome and find without gender even being involved. In fact, I think I need to find my self-love before I can make any big changes in way of transition. So, I do hope my story doesn’t end up like yours... But I also hope that you get to a place of peace with yourself and forgive yourself and learn to love yourself as you are and let your experiences be life lessons and wisdom rather than regrets and mistakes. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks. And yes I am honest with my therapist very much so. Part of figuring this shit out is figuring out me, whatever me is, gender aside and included. Male or female or other. I'm in it to discover myself. I just really hope that for me that's being not my birth gender...
My initial answer to your question if roles were reversed was yes. If “masculine” was labeled as feminine instead, I would be more drawn to that. I don’t think it’s about the role for me (although I am certain there is SOME of that in there too). I am drawn to what I like because it is what I like, not because of the role attached to it. Though I do find more benefit/enjoyment in some aspects of the role I find more appealing. It isn’t about shedding a label of gender, it’s about being comfortable as myself, if that makes sense.
I don’t HAVE to look like a male, but I like to, and I like for people to put me in that category rather than labeling me as female (which people will do regardless of my presentation, because that is how people are trained in society, to label male or female).
What you say about the brain study makes me happy, too, because ultimately, male and female brains aren’t different. They just ARE what they are. Which means that I am free to present myself however I want, and that my wiring is drawn towards what it likes because of it’s wiring, not because it is a “male” or “female” brain.
I almost panicked before about there being male and female brains, because it meant that if my brain showed up as “female” then I wouldn’t be able to pursue things that I like, identify how I enjoy. I like presenting masculine. I am drawn to it. Whether I present myself as a masculine woman or a male though is up to me, I think, and whatever is the most comfortable for me. Which is what I am trying to figure out. Socialization IS totally powerful, and that is why I am struggling so much with this, I believe. I was taught that the world is black and white. You’re a male, or you’re a female. The concept of gender being solely societal is baffling to me and taking time to sink in. I was also raised female, so all these feelings of being drawn towards masculinity and male presentation have been repressed and suppressed within myself for YEARS which resulted in a serious self-hatred spiral and even trying to fit into the female role by force, which made me hate myself all the more. I have never wanted to be a “masculine woman,” but rather I just want to be ME. Which, I do believe, is more geared towards masculine/male culture in our society. It’s why I struggle with it so much too, because I was trained/socialized as female. Yet, no matter how hard I have tried, I cannot stick to that, and sticking to it brings me great discomfort for some reason. A reason I cannot even explain because I don’t think there is proof to be shown. It’s simply my favorite flavor of gender presentation for myself.
Whatever my genetic makeup, nature, and nurture have been, it has all lead me to this spot here, and to deny the things that I like, that I prefer, I think would be detrimental to my ultimate well being. That being said, I’m not making any rash decisions, and I am taking a long time to explore all options that I have, and all possibilities of consequences, as well as a path towards self-care and self-love regardless of sex/gender.
Do you not agree with transition for YOU, or do you not agree with transition for EVERYONE? Such as, if a person were to transition and they really do find themselves so much happier, do you think it was still the wrong choice for them to make? Maybe that is just what they prefer at that point in their life, and who knows, maybe they will change, maybe not. Maybe it is just their favorite way of presenting themselves. Or do you think it will always lead to misery/self-hate? Despite the brain study, there are plenty of suicide studies that show transition for many people reduces risk of suicide (not completely, but a lot). What do you make of that?
(Ps, I am very interested in your viewpoints and ideas of this, thus why all the questions. I am not agreeing or disagreeing with you, just opening up dialogue as well as opening my own mind to possibilities and other views/experiences as I feel I need to explore every option of this before I make any decisions further with myself. Thank you for your thought out replies)
I entirely agree, no HRT or surgery will ultimately make me happy. It will just make existing slightly easier, if it's the "right" choice for me. The path to self-acceptance WITHOUT transitioning though is one of pain and agony and makes me deeply uncomfortable. I have accepted that I was born as this sex/gender and raised as it. Now it is just a matter of wondering whether I am more comfortable discarding that in favor of another presentation, or if that will make things worse... I honestly don't need HRT to exist, but it will help me with my presentation/how I like to present in the face of public. Without that aspect, I can never truly present in the way I find most comfortable. Well, I don't know for sure if that's most comfortable because I have yet to go for it, fully. I am taking my time, that's for sure.
I 2nd that... Are you able to handle regret if it comes up? Discomfort? How’s your distress tolerance? Do you have safety nets and coping mechanisms that are healthy to deal with any discomfort that comes up? Is your mental health in check?
I was also 5 months on HRT when I took a pause, realizing my mental health was out of control, and that I might not be able to handle regret one day. But I also may have regret never trying. Either way, I do feel like my mental health and distress tolerance needs to be at a more healthy level before I make a choice to go further with transition or not. Currently I’m stuck in a horrible case of active anxiety and working on finding medications to help me manage..
Best wishes to you.