Your genitals don't define you, you're you. I also believe in seeing the positive side of things such as; better fitting clothes, can't get sacked, and potentially better sex life if you like to receive penetration. It is part of your body, and while it might not be the one you want, it's the one you want, the healthiest you can do is care for it, and maybe eventually you might learn to appreciate it for what it is and there's nothing wrong with that, just like there isn't anything wrong with a man enjoying anal play.

First off OP, judging from your username I assume you probably visit /tttt/, and as someone who engaged in it before, not a good place unless you're very secure in yourself, so a good first step would be cutting that out.

As for your post, I used to be like you, and I came to question myself the same way you did, but I listened to my therapist and just try to stop thinking about what other people might think of me, and while I still have ways to go, now I can just have fun and be myself, and it turns out people like me a lot when I'm just myself, doesn't matter if I dress and act boyish, everyone loves tomboys after all.

Trying to be the "perfect woman" or medically detransitionning will only make your life miserable, be honest with yourself, you need to learn to "not care", because it doesn't matter, as long you're not outed by someone who knows for a fact you're trans, accusations are meaningless, people accuse biological women of being trans all the time. You're not an imitation of a woman, you're you, an estrogenized male who is perceived as a woman, you are, functionally, a(n infertile) woman.

I think those feelings are blowing to you now because of your FFS coming up, you're at a big turning point in your life so it's natural to question yourself harder than ever. Since you're still in your early-mid twenties, I would really advise you to reconsider the FFS until you're secure in yourself. Just a year ago I would have done anything to get FFS but I've done a lot of growing since (couldn't have gotten there so fast without the love of my life) and now I don't think I'll ever go for that even if I didn't have to pay for it. Now if you have specific very masculine features that you barely see in females like a receded hairline or an actually massive forehead/jaw/chin, please reconsider.

I mean, whether you transition or detransition, real friends are gonna constructively challenge you, and you should be open to that, but a lot of people are gonna very non constructively challenge you, and you're right that to those people you shouldn't justify yourself. It's all about learning to take apart good from ignorant criticism.

You'd need a before picture for comparison, but it is possible you had bone development. After being 5 months off T your face is unlikely to change, but you could give weight cycling a try to see if it helps, permanently getting rid of the facial hair and letting your hair grow will help you "pass" enough though.

Either way it is what it is, obsessing over it won't help at all, you need to accept your new self, you're more than a woman or a detrans person, you're you.

I can relate to that a lot, it's basically a skinwalker feeling, I've felt this same feeling just from someone copying my fashion and from u/aellagirl who is a woman with ASD who to me feels like a man using female body for sex/money. It's not a very rational feeling that I'm still parsing through.

OP, transition and detransition are a part of who you are, they'll always be, and I think it gives you a lot more insight as a person and you should be proud of that, there's definitely someone out there who would be proud to be your partner as well. Yes a lot of women want a very masculine man who would never be feminine in sexual ways, but some women will find that experience you have with gender to be a good feature of yours, they'll probably be people that are pretty open minded, which is a good quality in someone, especially a partner.

This is BDD, you'll just feel worse if you detransition now, what you need to do is work on being okay with yourself without the need of external validation, once you've achieved that you'll be in a much better place to question whether you want to detransition or not.

There's no easy fix unfortunately, you'll have to learn to "stop caring", and I don't say that lightly as I'm in that process as well, but I'm much further then I was, I don't feel like I need to wear makeup outside or dress all nice anymore for example, and it has really improved my life, I did take a big shortcut by finding the love of my life which to me is sort of a place where I belong.

So my advice would be to find and make for yourself "places" where you can feel at peace (getting a therapist if possible would be a good start, finding friends too), once you have that try and slowly expose yourself to situations that make you "care" so much about your appearance (exposure therapy basically), that's the best advise I can give, I hope it can be helpful in the slightest.

Exactly, just like you can identify as a man while being feminine in your behaviour and clothes, you can keep identifying as a man with any kind of meatsuit you have. At the end of the day we're all just a conscience born from a brain that needs a body to survive, if you could thrive in a some a completely inhuman body like a giant arachnid that can communicate while preserving the same brain, you'd still just be you.

There's no such thing as "being a woman inside", you're just a brain that wants specific things out of life, usually because of early childhood development, maybe it aligns with your body, maybe it doesn't. Medically transitioning is just about trying to align your body with your wants.

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Now it gets tricky because people usually don't have a solid grasp on their wants, nor on how to achieve them.