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Reddit user /u/SadFaceOne's Detransition Story

Transitioned: 17 -> Detransitioned: 17
male
low self-esteem
regrets transitioning
escapism
trauma
depression
influenced online
homosexual
anxiety
This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
On Reddit, people often share their experiences across multiple comments or posts. To make this information more accessible, our AI gathers all of those scattered pieces into a single, easy-to-read summary and timeline. All system prompts are noted on the prompts page.

Sometimes AI can hallucinate or state things that are not true. But generally, the summarised stories are accurate reflections of the original comments by users.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious

Based on the provided comments, the account "SadFaceOne" appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.

The user identifies as a "desisted male" and a "gay adult," which is consistent with being a desister (someone who considered but did not medically transition). The comments display:

  • Personal, nuanced experience with detailed reflections on grooming, community dynamics, and internal conflict.
  • Consistent narrative across two years, offering supportive, tailored advice to others.
  • Emotional depth that includes anger, frustration, and compassion, aligning with the expected passion from someone who feels harmed.

The account exhibits no patterns typical of inauthentic behavior, such as scripted replies, irrelevant content, or agenda-pushing beyond the shared concerns of the subreddit.

About me

I was a depressed, feminine teenage boy who felt I didn't fit in, and I thought becoming a woman would solve all my problems. Online communities groomed me with promises that transition was a cure, offering validation I craved but silencing my doubts. I was saved by reading one story of regret, which made me realize I was just running from my self-hatred and trauma. I learned my discomfort wasn't with being male, but with not having a solid sense of self or a life I was proud of. Now I'm a happy gay man who found peace through self-acceptance and building a real life, not by changing my body.

My detransition story

My journey with gender started when I was a teenager. I was a feminine boy who was uncomfortable with myself, struggling with depression and a lot of confusion. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere. All my friends were girls, and I felt like being a gay man was an obstacle that would make them treat me differently. I thought that if I could just become a woman, I could finally blend in and be happy.

I found a lot of support online in trans communities. They told me that all my problems—my sadness, my feeling of being an outcast, my discomfort with my body—could be solved by transitioning. It was presented as a magical cure-all. They gave me so much positive feedback and validation, which I craved because I had such low self-esteem. I now see this as a form of grooming; the community was so eager to pull me in, and that positive reinforcement would be taken away the second I showed any hesitation.

I was lucky. Right as I was getting deep into this, I found a story online from someone who had transitioned and deeply regretted it. That story saved me. It broke the illusion for me and made me realize that transitioning wouldn't solve my underlying problems. I had been using the idea of transition as a form of escapism from my depression and anxiety. I was running away from my trauma and my own self-hatred instead of facing it.

I realized that what I really wanted wasn't to be a woman. I wanted to be desirable and to be free from the expectations placed on men. I was a gay man who hated the stereotypes and felt inadequate because I wasn't "manly" enough. I wrongfully blamed my masculinity for all my problems. The truth was, I would have still been the same sad, insecure person after transition, just with a different set of problems and a body that had been permanently changed.

I came to understand that my discomfort wasn't really about gender. It was about not having a solid sense of self. I had no passions, no goals, and I was using transition as a surrogate life goal because it was an easy, novel experience that came with instant social praise. I learned that the key to happiness wasn't changing my body, but building a life I was proud of. I started pursuing old dreams, going to school, and finding value in myself that had nothing to do with how I looked or what gender people saw me as.

I am a gay man, and I'm happy with that. I don't regret not transitioning, but I have a lot of anger and sadness about how I was manipulated. I see the same thing happening to so many other young, vulnerable people who aren't as lucky as I was to find a dissenting voice in time. The pressure to transition is so strong, and the stories of people like me who almost did it are silenced because they don't fit the narrative. We're told our suffering doesn't matter because we're no longer part of the "oppressed" group.

My thoughts on gender now are that it's not the most important thing about a person. We are all so much more than stereotypes of masculinity or femininity. The real path to peace is self-acceptance, not changing your body to fit an ideal. I benefited from stepping away from gender-affirming communities and instead focusing on therapy and building a real life for myself.

Age Event
16-17 Felt intense social discomfort, depression, and low self-esteem. Began exploring gender identity online and was influenced by trans communities that promoted transition as a solution.
17 Discovered a detransitioner's story of regret. This broke the narrative and caused me to stop my social transition before any medical intervention.
18 Began the process of self-acceptance as a gay, feminine man. Started focusing on building non-gender-related life goals and passions.
26-27 Now a happy, fulfilled gay adult. Fully accepted that my value is not tied to my gender expression or desirability.

Top Comments by /u/SadFaceOne:

24 comments • Posting since March 7, 2021
Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains the social and psychological factors driving high rates of detransition, including untreated mental health issues, the appeal of a supportive community, and a culture of "trans proselytism."
109 pointsMar 7, 2021
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It's not surprising that there are so many people going through this.

All manner of people feel like something is wrong with them. That they don't belong anywhere. Mental anguish and suffering that they don't understand. Mental illness and trauma that goes without treatment. Depression. Lack of fulfillment. Almost every teenager feels that 'something is off' in their lives. Not to mention the many people who simply have interests and desires that are gender-nonconforming, but don't know how to express those desires.

Then, they learn that their problems can easily be explained with one solution; Transition. Told by an extremely supportive and massive community that everything they do is good, that they're valid, how happy they'll be once they make it to the other side and 'pass'. This community also takes that positive feedback away if you show an ounce of hesitation. For many people, this positive feedback is the only positive reinforcement they get in their lives. If you actually happen to be suffering from severe GD, this might be a good thing. For everyone else, the true underlying cause of whatever caused them to feel that hole in their hearts lingers, untreated.

On top of that, by bringing more people into the fold of being 'trans', trans people reaffirm the validity of their own existence while also feeling the high of 'saving' another person by helping them 'realize' they are trans, creating a culture of trans proselytism.

Some people, like myself, are lucky enough to have heard the stories told on this sub early on in the process and escape the cycle. Others, like you, are not so lucky.

There are going to be a lot more of us as this current generation of children grows into adulthood. But you're wrong about one thing; Even if you feel like you didn't gain anything, you have.

You've gained an experience and story that can help save other people from the suffering you've experienced. Don't be afraid to speak it.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains why honesty is the only fair solution for a detransitioning person in a relationship with a non-binary partner, arguing that secrecy about detransition and same-sex attraction will lead to bitterness and a failed relationship.
31 pointsMar 21, 2021
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This is less a problem to do with gender and sexual identity and more just a classic relationship problem based on fear of revealing truths that might lead to undesirable consequences.

There's no magic answer, workaround, or way to bend the logic so everyone leaves happy.

If you keep your desire to detransition a secret, you're not only depriving yourself of your needs, but you're depriving him of his right to be in a fully honest relationship based on truth. If you don't tell him, eventually, a bitterness will grow between you because you will view him as the 'source' of your discomfort.

If you divulge that you want to transition, but lie about the fact that you're 'same-sex' attracted, you're STILL depriving yourself of your desire and depriving him of a relationship where he knows why you're attracted to him. You'll always be attracted to the parts of him he seems to dislike, considering he hates being referred to as 'she/her', and will always be subtly pushing him in that direction.

The only fair solution is to be entirely honest about everything. Tell him you're detransitioning. Tell him you're same-sex attracted. If he accepts you, good. If not, your relationship would only have fallen apart two or three years down the line due to mounting tensions and stacking lies, wasting years of your lives.

Your goal right now seems to be, "I want to be with this person."

If you really love him, your goal needs to be, "I want both of us to end up in a relationship where we're both accepted fully for who we are by our partners, even if that means we're not together."

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains that transitioning isn't about intelligence, but about being exposed to alternative viewpoints before making irreversible changes.
25 pointsMar 8, 2021
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You're not a moron.

Therapists, psychiatrists, scientists, government officials; These people are all highly educated and intelligent, yet they often fall into the same logical traps and cultures that cause so many people to transition or push transition no matter the circumstance.

At this point, it's not a matter of being 'smart', 'dumb', 'intelligent', 'moronic'.

It's a matter of being lucky enough to have heard a convincing alternative point of view before enacting irreversible change.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains the disillusionment after transition, offering hope and a new purpose beyond gender-focused goals.
24 pointsMar 8, 2021
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If you're like many trans people, the transition was the ultimate goal of your life. It was the point when everything would finally get better, when you'd finally dip your toes on the green grass of the other side.

Unfortunately, 'the grass is greener on the other side' is true, especially in this situation.

It's heartbreaking that we live in a society where transition has been put up on such a pedestal as the ultimate goal, and that people like you who climb that mountain and find out there's no treasure on the other side are forgotten.

But this doesn't mean your life has to be over. In some ways, you're more free now than you were before, in terms of gender nonconformity. You no longer have a choice, so you no longer need to obsess with gender, transition, or any of that. There are no more 'what-ifs'. You don't have any more decisions to make. The weight is no longer on your shoulders.

The reality is, you were wronged and manipulated by societal forces you had no control over. But that doesn't mean that you need to spend the rest of your life pondering the 'what-ifs', or living in spite.

You can use your story as a powerful message to help those who were in your situation have the information needed to think twice.

You can find a new goal to achieve, a new mountain to climb, and replace the gender-focused world you've been living in with something else. A childhood dream, a new hobby, a new profession; If you have the strength to work towards and achieve transition, you certainly have the strength and will to pursue any other passion.

We all have regrets. Some are caused by ourselves, others are pushed onto us. But no matter what you regret, as long as you're alive, you can still pursue a happy, fulfilled life.

It might not mean much, but I believe in you.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains why transitioning won't resolve feelings of being a misfit, masculine inadequacy, or life's purpose, warning it trades one set of insecurities for a more difficult and uncertain set.
14 pointsMar 8, 2021
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You say you're not neurotypical, that you're a misfit and an outcast; Transition will not solve these problems. Transition does not cure ADHD. The personality traits, personal-hangups, and mental issues that lead to one becoming a misfit and outcast are not improved or fixed upon transition.

Given the way you describe masculinity and your masculine traits, it seems like you feel inadequate in your masculinity and powerless to fix it, causing you to turn to transitioning as a way to negate those feelings of inadequacy; After all, general society does not judge women if they're not manly enough. You will only be trading one set of standards for another, and the new set of standards you will live under as a woman will be much more stringent and much more difficult to meet due to being born male.

The insecurities of not being 'man enough' pale in comparison to the insecurities you will face in the process of trying to 'pass' as female. Think about the negativity you feel right now, about your masculinity, and how you need to live up to expectations; You don't realize that even with all those insecurities, you are still a man, and that's not something anyone can take away from you.

Transitioning flips all that on its head. No longer will you be able to be secure in your gender. The self-defeating, depressive, insecure thoughts running through your head will not be 'People think I'm not manly enough.' The thoughts will be 'People don't even see me as a woman, period.' Yes, right now, there is a culture of accepting trans people no matter their appearance, but in your post you admit you understand it's performative.

If you've spent your life worrying about gender stereotypes, transitioning feels like a weight lifted off your shoulders. The process of transition is a process that lifts all gendered expectation from you. It is socially accepted to ignore all your gendered faults, and socially taboo to point out any gendered inadequacies you may have during transition. This also means you will never, ever be able to trust the compliments of those around you again, and they will lose all meaning. And, once you finish the process, you'll never know if the people around you accept you as a woman, or are doing so out of fear of social reprisal. At least when you're judged for not being man enough, you know it's happening. Transitioning leads to a permanent limbo of uncertainty.

----

Unfortunately, transition does not help you retain physical appearance as age takes its toll. Age comes for all of us. Men, women, cis, trans; It is inescapable. The fear of losing sexual appeal is universal in all humans, and has nothing to do with gender identity.

Transition also will not help you in terms of your insecurities about your job and the meaning and purpose of your life. Transitioning is a placebo for the aimless, giving them a goal to work towards that is almost universally praised, with plenty of resources to help them along the way. However, it's a goal that, once reached, accomplishes very little. You will be back where you were before with all the personal hangups you have now, but transitioned.

The solution isn't as easy as transition. If you want to be happy, really happy, for the rest of your life, you need to accept yourself for who you are, improve yourself so that you no longer need to feel insecure, or become secure enough in yourself that you don't allow the judgements of others to affect your mental state. You need to find a job, hobby, goal, any kind of passion at all to work towards and give your life meaning.

If you do decide to transition, I wish you luck.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains that true self-acceptance comes from valuing close relationships over strangers' stereotypes, arguing that androgyny is just another category and the only escape is to be known deeply as an individual.
14 pointsSep 24, 2021
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The world is full of stereotypes, and it's simply unavoidable. It's how our monkey brains have evolved to make social interactions with strangers easier. Human beings are programmed to recognize patterns and will expect those patterns in any person who shares a defining trait with other people, be it gender, sexuality, skin color, hair color, etc.

It's completely understandable to feel upset and strange when you feel like you're being categorized. It's dehumanizing.

If you become so androgynous that it's hard for someone to know that you're a man or a woman, you're not breaking free of stereotypes and categorization. You're just entering a new category.

The only way to break free from the chains of stereotyping is to form close bonds with people. To really show them what and who you are as an individual, you need to spend time with them. Show them your interests, desires, dreams, and listen to theirs in turn. The more someone knows about you, the more you become 'you' in their eyes. Their opinion and view of you also become more important when this happens, because any judgments they make will have the actual weight of knowing who you are behind them.

Value their opinions far more than strangers, who are only putting you in a predefined, easy-to-understand category because it's impossible for them to know who you really are by any real metric.

And, most importantly, understand that no human will ever truly be able to see you how you see yourself, simply because you are you, and they are not you. They are viewing you through the lens of their life, and you're viewing yourself through the lens of your own life.

The true path to self-acceptance is realizing that it doesn't matter what strangers see you as. Accepting yourself means being fine with whatever conclusion they come to because it's not reflective of your character or who you are as a person.

It's a hard path. We're wired for social acceptance as a survival mechanism. I'm certain you can do it.

You're a human being. You're an individual. You have hopes, dreams, aspirations, flaws, doubts, quirks, things that are impossible for me to see or know, but I know you're a person behind that screen. A person who doesn't belong in any category regardless of how you look or how others perceive you, because you're a unique collection of an impossible array of experiences that could never, ever be reproduced.

When someone calls you by the gender of your birth, remember that. They're relying on surface information because everything that makes you 'you' is a vast ocean that requires time, energy, and commitment to understand and appreciate.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) argues against pushing medical transition on vulnerable groups, emphasizing the need for alternative treatments and thorough mental health evaluation, stating that even a small number of detransitioners matters.
12 pointsMar 8, 2021
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It's going to be hard to find this data, because we're a minority inside a minority.

But arguments against pushing transition on children, teens, and the mentally unstable are sound regardless of the statistics. The fact remains that there ARE detransitioners. There ARE people who are pushed to transition and abandoned when it doesn't work out.

Looking into alternative treatments, advocating for less invasive solutions, informing people that transition isn't sunshine and rainbows, treating other mental illness and solving personal life problems before pushing for transition; None of these things hurt those who would actually benefit from transitioning, but they DO help in saving those who would otherwise undergo a lifetime of pain.

Don't let them convince you that, because there are so few of us, our sacrifice is worth it because our lives are worth less than theirs.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains that physical pain from large breasts is separate from the shame, which is caused by societal objectification and judgment, not the breasts themselves.
12 pointsMar 8, 2021
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It seems like you're undergoing two kinds of pain; Those related to your breasts, and those that are not.

The pain actually related to your breasts is in your back. This is the only pain that they're directly causing you.

The fact that you're ashamed of them, that you feel dirty and inappropriate; This has nothing to do with your breasts at all. There is nothing dirty about breasts. There is nothing inappropriate about breasts. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

This pain isn't caused by your breasts, but by the people around you who have made you feel ashamed for something completely natural. If someone stares at your breasts, it is not because your breasts are 'dirty', or that you're being 'inappropriate'; It's because they are a pervert.

If you ever have thoughts or feelings of shame due to the size of your breasts, make an active effort to realize that it's not you who needs to be ashamed, because you have nothing to be ashamed about.

It's the people around you who judge, stare, and objectify that are shameful, dirty, and inappropriate.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains that fear of not meeting gendered expectations is the core issue, advising self-acceptance over transitioning or detransitioning to fit an archetype.
11 pointsFeb 17, 2022
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There are different expectations put upon men and women from birth to death. They're cultural in a lot of ways, but there's a reason many cultures seem to agree on what's typically 'masculine' and what's typically 'feminine'.

You say that you're terrified that people expect you to act like a 'male', and I assume from what you've posted that that's the reason you transitioned. However, you're now saying that you feel like 'less of a woman'.

Feeling like less of a woman is your first fear, with different wording; That is, you're afraid you're not meeting the expectations of those around you that you're being 'womanly' enough, just like the fears you have that you can't meet the expectations of those who expect you to be 'manly' enough.

This culminates into your final question. 'Who do I want to go through the world as?'

To me, with the limited information in this post, it feels like you're really asking, "What do I want those around me to think I am while I go through this world?'

If that's the case, you'll rarely be happy, with yourself or with others, because people will always have presumptions based on how you present. Presumptions that you'll always be chasing, assumptions you'll feel obligated to fulfill, ideals and stereotypes you'll feel like you're always coming up short on.

The truth is, there is no winning. Nobody can ever perfectly embody the 'ideal' of being either a man or a woman, because human beings, including you, are defined by so many more aspects than that.

I know for a fact that the most interesting, the most engaging, the most humanizing parts of you are your hobbies, ideas, hopes, dreams, mannerisms, morals, etc., rather than how well you fit into feminine or masculine archetypes, and I personally think it's a waste to focus so much on immutable characteristics such as those.

No matter what you choose, to transition or detransition, the biggest obstacle you'll face is self-acceptance. The comfort of just being you, and realizing that it really doesn't matter if someone thinks 'That's not very feminine/masculine.'

Accept yourself, whether that's a feminine boy or a masculine girl or anything in-between, and you'll come to be surrounded by people who really do accept you for who you really are, and you'll never have to worry about being masculine/feminine enough again. And the people who don't accept you for not being manly/womanly enough, well... It's just reflective of how little their opinion matters.

Good luck, on whichever path you choose.

Reddit user SadFaceOne (desisted male) explains that embracing femininity doesn't require transition, arguing that a feminine gay man can find acceptance in GNC communities without changing his body.
7 pointsMar 8, 2021
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You don't need to transition to embrace your feminine side. Being a man doesn't mean you're masculine, and being a woman doesn't mean you're feminine. Here's the thing that egg subreddits and religious mothers won't tell you;

It's okay to be a boy and like girly things.

There is no such thing as your 'true self'. If you transition into a woman, you will still be the same person you were before transition, but with a different body. You will not suddenly become enlightened.

Fully embracing femininity does not mean becoming a woman; This would mean that the most butch, masculine woman is still more feminine than the most feminine, girly man, and that's simply not the case.

Fully embracing your femininity means finding a community of people who will accept you for your feminine desires, and indulging in them entirely without fear of judgement. There are many gay communities just like this. There are many GNC communities just like this.

Given you say you don't suffer from dysphoria, I think you have a flawed understanding of what transexualism is.

"I tick many boxes when it comes to the "Homosexual Transexual" archetype (feminine gay boy that played with dolls and hang up with girls when s(he) was a kid, homosexual, twinky bottom, fairly young (early 20s), I find many similarities in some drag queens/GNC people in the media"

You're not describing a 'Homosexual Transexual'. You're describing a feminine gay man. Drag queens embrace their femininity while accepting that they're men. GNC people are the same. If they're who you identify with, than you should know that what you want isn't transition, but the bravery to be able to explore your feminine side regardless of societal standards of biological sex.