This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, the account appears authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or an inauthentic actor.
The user's story is highly specific, nuanced, and internally consistent over a two-year period. They identify as a desister (considered but did not medically transition) and a butch lesbian, which is a recognized and common experience within the community. Their passion, personal history of trauma, and detailed reflections on gender, masculinity, and their life in Brazil are not typical of automated or troll accounts. The advice given is personal and practical, aligning with someone who has lived experience.
About me
I grew up in a traumatic home in Brazil where I was taught that being a woman was bad and being a lesbian was a curse. My desire to become a man was tangled up with escaping that abuse and internalized homophobia. For a long time, I seriously considered transitioning, but I was held back by health concerns and the limitations of surgery. Through therapy, I realized my gender confusion was deeply linked to my childhood trauma. Now I am at peace as a butch lesbian, focusing on my health, my wife, and finally loving myself.
My detransition story
My journey with gender started a long time ago, and it was messy and confusing. I was born female in Brazil in 1978, and the world was a very different place back then. There was no talk about being transgender like there is now. I grew up in a home filled with a lot of pain. My mom was abusive—physically, sexually, and emotionally. My dad was distant and sometimes emotionally abusive too. I hated him more, even though what my mom did was worse. It took me a long time in therapy to really understand how deep that childhood trauma went.
My dad had wanted a boy, and my mom would often say things like "boys' toys are more fun" and "being a woman sucks." I saw my male cousins get privileges I never had. I found my dad's Playboy magazines and got this idea in my head that I could only have a girlfriend if I became a man. My mother called being a lesbian a curse word. All of this created a lot of internalized homophobia for me. I didn't see a future for myself as a masculine woman who loved women.
When I hit puberty, I naturally had high levels of a hormone called androstenedione. This gave me some masculine traits—a more muscular build, a flatter chest, and other physical changes. A part of me was really happy about that, but I also felt like it wasn't enough. I still felt this pressure to be a man.
Then, in my late teens, the internet arrived. It was a revolution. I discovered online chats and finally found out that lesbians were normal, real people. This was a huge deal for me. It was the first time I saw that I could possibly be myself. I managed to have relationships with women and eventually married my wife, all while living as a very masculine woman.
But when the bigger transgender movement started happening online, all my old doubts came rushing back. I spent a long time seriously questioning my gender all over again. I had a lot of discussions with people, but I could never find a definitive reason why I should transition. The desire to become a man was always there in the background, but it felt more like an escape from my past and my discomfort than a true path for me.
A few things held me back. I was worried about the serious health complications from taking testosterone and having surgeries. The main thing was that bottom surgery couldn't give me a functioning penis, and that felt like a deal-breaker. I didn't want to go through all that for a result that wouldn't truly satisfy me. I also realized through a lot of therapy that my drive to transition was tangled up with my CPTSD, low self-esteem, and the trauma from my abusive childhood. I was using meditation, reading Zen philosophy, and focusing on my health to manage my mental state.
I finally settled into understanding that I can be a masculine woman and that's perfectly okay. In a way, I feel like I can express my masculinity more powerfully as a woman because it stands out more. I'm a butch lesbian, and that identity feels right and strong to me. I don't regret not transitioning. I found a simpler, healthier life by focusing on my well-being, my wife, my work, and my hobbies like natural bodybuilding.
I think everyone should be free to modify their body if they want to, but for me, it wasn't the right path. My journey was about untangling my feelings about gender from my trauma and learning to accept myself.
| Age | Year | Event |
|---|---|---|
| Teen | Early 1990s | Experienced puberty with high androstenedione, leading to natural masculinization. Felt both happy with the changes and not "enough." |
| Late Teens | Mid 1990s | Internet access revealed lesbian communities, providing first glimpse of a possible future as a masculine woman. |
| Various | 2010s | Engaged in extensive therapy to address childhood trauma (CPTSD) and gender questions. |
| Adulthood | Present | Settled into identity as a butch lesbian. No medical transition, no regrets. Focus on health, marriage, and well-being. |
Top Comments by /u/Sauron_78:
Your mom is an absolute narcissist. Go to a psychologist if you have the chance. The therapist should help analyze your whole situation and find a way out.
If you don't have access then look for Social Workers or something, if your government allows.
I know several male bodybuilders who have short stature. In fact being short is a bonus for growing muscle and looking "full" in less time than tall people.
Also at age 17 your "growth plates" have not closed yet so if you get on HGH there is a chance that you can still grow several centimeters. Maybe just letting the natural T will have the same effect.
Considering the seriousness of your situation I believe you will find doctors that will prescribe these hormones to help revert the situation if necessary.
It that's any help: I never went on T but I had high androstenedione as a teenager and so my nether parts are a bit bigger than average and I have naturally flat chest. I'm above average muscular for a woman too.
Perhaps it won't make much difference to her, as you might have been just another case like me. It may be a relief for you to tell her, if you feel like you are hiding something and bring more intimacy to the relationship.
I will never have a functioning penis
That's the main reason I didn't go forward with it plus all the unknown risks involved taking hormones and doing surgeries. I didn't want more complications, I wanted a simpler life.
The body usually heals itself when given proper food, exercise, plenty of water and mindfulness.
Best of luck <3
I was born in a Brazil in 1978 and back in these days nobody talked about transgenders. There were a few "travestites" as they were called, men who wore women's clothes and sometimes did boob jobs, but they always lived underground. We never even guessed the internet would exist, we got the first PCs in the early 90's but they didn't connect to anything. We just watched TVs filled with machismo. Gays only appeared as jokes, women were always shown as "sexual".
My father had a previous marriage which resulted in one son and 3 daughters; the boy turned out to be gay and all the 3 girls were very feminine and hetero. Later my father divorced his first wife and got my mom pregnant. I remember that when I was young my mom told me that my father wanted to have a boy. My mother allowed me to play with all kinds of toys and would sometimes say such things like "boys' toys are more fun", and "being a woman sucks". My male cousins had privileges that I didn't. One day I found my father's stash of playboy magazines and I got hooked. I remember clearly thinking that "I can only have a girlfriend if I become a man". My mother used to say that "lesbian is a cuss word, don't ever say that word in front of anyone". On the other hand my mother did some things to me that can are considered sex abuse but were excused by being "medical necessities". My mom is a classical homophobe closet case.
As teen I had high androstenedione and developed some masculine characteristics and I was happy about it, but I felt like I wasn't enough. Finally when I was in my late teens the internet arrived and I discovered that lesbians were normal people. There used to be "chats" back then, no video no nothing, but it was a revolution already. The desire to become a man was always on the back of my mind thou. Opposite to what I expected I managed to have girlfriends and finally a wife while being a masculine woman. But when the transgender "wave" started I felt like I would question myself all the time. I had some serious discussions with a lot of people and it never made sense really. I could never find a definitive "reason" why I should transition.
After a lot of therapy I settled down as I realized I can be a masculine woman and that's ok.
As a matter of fact I feel now like I can project my masculinity more strongly as a woman than I would if transitioned to male, if it makes sense. Because masculinity in a woman stands out immediately.
The world is self-similar, all living creatures grow following fractal mathematics.
I think we need an FTM explosion to happen in order for a detrans explosion to happen and move on from that.
Sure there will still be trans people afterwards but the experiences will become more clear for everybody.
I think the big media moguls are male and still catering to the male gaze.
Having said that here are some female GNC artists, anyone interested can find them on youtube: kd lang, Tash Sultana, Cassia Eller, Zelia Duncan
I think I should also mention Angela Roro, Simone and Ana Carolina that are long haired, may not look masculine at first sight but definitely have a butch vibe and are confirmed lesbians.
I listed mostly Brazilian references because I grew up there. Would like to know references from other countries too.
I think its important for you to focus on your emotional well being and your health. You don't own an explanation to nobody. People are free to do stuff and then change their mind. If they judge you, block them.
I use a masculine name in my account here in reddit and people get confused sometimes but it doesn't matter. I just say I'm a butch lesbian and that's it really, never had any issues.
Like some people here said, I'm not sure if I'm "actually cis", even thou I never got into T. I had high androstenedione as a teen and developed some masculinization naturally and I like it.
So why don't I take T and go all the way? Well I don't want to bother with all the complications that come associated with it.
I only get frustrated if I try to compare myself with the "perfect male images" projected by the media. I have a wife that loves me, a decent job and some hobbies, why complicate things?
I think everyone should be free to pursue the body modifications they want freely, without having to define trans or one gender or another. I like being queer and I like when I see other queers walking around. It makes the world more interesting.
We need you alive to help the LGBTQ+ community. It does not matter what you identify with, for me the weirdest the best. Just be yourself and take each day at a time. I was at a similar position at 17, and thinking about the community is what kept me going. If I died it means that the fascists won. No way. I'm 43 now, still alive, still weird. I won people's respect through study and work.
Yes I have a history of childhood trauma. Mom was abusive physically, sexually and emotionally. Father was sometimes distant sometimes emotionally abusive. I hated him more that I hated her however.
It wasn't clear to me in the beginning of therapy. Because my mom's sex abuse was subtle. But after months of therapy it just was so obvious and I just can't deny Freud. Not all what he said was great, I prefer Alice Miller much better, but Oedipus complex definitely happened in my case.
You don't need to go back to living as a woman if it makes you sick. Take it easy, it is difficult enough dealing with emotions during therapy.