Forcing yourself to ‘be’ anything will probably cause you harm in the long-run. I don’t think anyone should convince you to /force/ yourself to detransition. It is something you should choose yourself.

It sounds like you’re in a tough situation— I’m really sorry to hear that you feel like you can’t be happy and help those you love at the same time…

Something I’d like to point out though is that you are probably just as capable of helping people now than you were pre-transition—even if their willingness to accept your help has changed due to their beliefs.

Personally, I don’t think there is such thing as ‘being’ a woman or ‘being’ a man. People are born a certain way and people express themselves a certain way—and one doesn’t have to be indicative of the other. People are people.

You mentioned that transitioning has led you to focus more on yourself and less on your sibling. Maybe you could simply shift your focus away from transition, for the time being, more so to help your sibling?

I get where you’re coming from. For a lot of people, I was the only trans person they ever knew in real life. It seemed like, to them, I was living evidence of trans existence—which was really a mental burden tbh and probably prevented me from ever considering detransitioning for a long long time.

I’m kind of against making any sort of ‘announcement’. I can’t help but feel like it would just cause more confusion/problems. Without even saying anything, some people are slowly understanding what’s going on. My plan is just to keep living as myself and doing/wearing things that make me happy. I think that is all we have to do at the end of the day.

I think a lot of people will agree with me here that simply repressing your feelings is not the way to go. In my experience, repressing just compounded my issues internally and left them to flare up somewhere else down the line. The only way you can accept your biological reality is by dealing with it head-on.

I want to preface my advice with the fact that I really relate to everything you said. I thought I was trans around age 12, and growing up I felt like I was missing out on a 'normal' 'male' life by having to endure female puberty and wait years after that before starting T. I was super bitter about this, and looking back, the sense of urgency I had was something I probably should have looked deeper into before later deciding to proceed with hormones.

From your post, it sounds like you may have some internal hang-ups. Feeling "locked in" your body is not a good relationship to have with yourself. Also, viewing your body (or at least its feminine biology) as "grotesque" or "ruined" isn't something you should have to live with. Understanding that your body doesn't want anything else but to keep you alive and understanding any potential things that could be underlying the intense negative emotions you have geared towards yourself will be vital in achieving self-acceptance.

I know you said that you didn't experience any abuse or neglect, but you did mention that you grew up in a religious household that restricted you from free self-expression. Maybe explore this deeper to see if you are perhaps holding on to anything from the past. At least, for me, the smallest of things from my childhood that seemed insignificant affected me more than I ever knew--once I started to dig in to it.

Whether or not you eventually decide to start HRT, I think ironing out any visceral qualms you have with yourself could be very useful. It is fact that no trans person can ever become cis. There will always be something 'holding them back' from being 100% biologically the opposite sex. For this reason, it is best to make all the repairs you can internally before resorting to external methods--just to ensure you are doing the right things for the right reasons beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Apart from self evaluation, I think something that was really useful to me was taking a step back and appreciating all of the things my body does for me unrelated to gender. Things like savoring a good meal, breathing, and hiking are sometimes taken for granted when we are miserable. I know your discomfort is probably all consuming right now, but pushing past it to just be with yourself could help center your situation and give you space to think.

I know this is an absolutely ginormous comment, but I just want to finish this with the idea that really pulled me through and opened the door for self-acceptance:

My body is not my enemy.

For the longest time, I believed the opposite--and it was miserable. I think understanding that me and my body are on the same team for my health and well being really helped me accept all of the parts I thought it shouldn't have.

I wish you the best in finding self-love and happiness.

When I was in middle and high school, I had a similar attitude towards people who were questioning. I too was 'diagnosed' with 'gender dysphoria', and I truly felt like anyone who changed their mind or just wasn't dead-set on going through with medical treatment was making a mockery of me--and here I am now several years later detransitioning...

I learned that my then-hostile attitude towards people who were figuring themselves out was a major defense mechanism for me. Deep down I felt like these people invalidated me somehow, and worse they made me question my identity in ways I flat out refused to. At the time, I was cloaked in so many layers of cognitive dissonance and repressed emotions that getting through to me was impossible. All I cared about was maintaining the exterior I had developed in order to feel safe and comfortable around others.

I should have felt happy for those people who figured themselves out early. Even if a couple of them did experiment with trans identity for attention (though, I think most were actually struggling in some way), we were all children and entitled to our growing pains. Someone who is truly secure in their identity shouldn't feel threatened by someone else who happened to make the wrong choice.

I'm really sorry that person made you feel that way. I was in her shoes years ago, and I regret the way I treated myself and others struggling with this.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is live on authentically and not let this past limit you. Maybe keep your distance from the person you described to prevent any future problems (unless, of course, she is a close friend). I have no advice to "feel like a girl" again, because I'm not sure if such a thing exists. I know people perceiving you as a girl again will probably help you assimilate back into some normalcy, but don't push yourself into anything that doesn't come easily. All we have to do (and all we really can do, happily) is be ourselves.

Of course this doesn't apply to all people with that flair, but I've seen some who come here just to prove they are 'true trans' or show how 'different' they are from anyone else here. If someone is already 99.9999999% sure they want to transition and is not really looking for any actual input, it is disheartening to see them in a space for people who are actually seeking help.

I think dropping all things gender really helped me. Instead of learning to like myself ‘as a female’, I focused on just liking MYSELF. Taking time just to be with myself, appreciate things about me unrelated to gender and free from the lens of things I like or do being particularly ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ really helped.

I didn’t go to therapy or find jesus in order for things to get better. I know these things can really help some people, but I truly think the only person that could have ever helped me figure things out is me. The only way for me to help myself was through uninterrupted time alone to think and feel.

Best of luck to you.

The first month or so after stopping T was hellish for me. T changes your brain's chemistry for sure. The boost in confidence I got from it similarly made my dysphoria manageable. Before T, I thought I needed surgeries to be happy. After T, like you said, I could finally imagine myself living happily in this body.

A lot of those confident "good" feelings dropped off the deep end when I quit T, even though I knew it was the right decision for me. It left me with no protection from the toxic ideas I had about my female body. Needless to say, dysphoria hit harder than ever before because I took away the only "solution" I had ever given myself. This manifested itself in a lot of physical discomfort, self-critical behavior and just feeling absolutely lost. I understand where you're at, and I'm sorry.

I'm not sure why you chose to detransition and if your reasons are similar to mine, but even though you aren't transitioning anymore you can still give yourself a path and goals to look forward to. For example, nursing yourself back to health through kindness and gentleness directed at yourself. You could make fitness/nutrition goals for yourself, or even just mindfulness goals like journaling or meditation. All of these goals could lead you down a path of becoming a healthier (and hopefully happier) version of yourself.

I also think there is a lot of pressure in "being" a man or "being" a woman that really crushed me when I first started to detransition. I wondered, how will I ever "be" a woman again after so many years of rejecting womanhood? The truth is, I was always a woman. Even while taking testosterone, even while presenting male. All I have to do to "be" a woman is exist. Even if my likes or behaviors or appearance doesn't align with what I or anyone else thinks it "should", existence alone is enough.

It took a lot of struggle for me to get to this point, and I'm still coming to grips with a lot. But it's more than worth it.

Please don’t. There is so much more to life than this, even if it truly seems unbearable.

I’m not a lesbian and I didn’t transition due to sexual trauma. Like you, I have wanted to be/seen myself as a male from a very young age. We exist.

You said you greatly dislike women. I would suggest digging deep into the roots of that. Ask yourself: why you feel so horrible when men would see you as female? Ask yourself: what is so terrible about being a woman?

I also want to note that there is no such “concept of being female”. It doesn’t exist. There is no such thing as ‘feeling female’. Striving for these things will only bring you more pain.

A lot of female detrans people I know don’t change anything about themselves when they choose to detransition. Same wardrobe, same hobbies, same mannerisms—and they are still women. All you have to do is be yourself and do what you want. That is quite literally the only thing that goes into ‘being’ female.

Only recently I’ve learned of the internalized hatred for women (and myself) I’ve harbored within for almost my entire life. It is soul sucking and repairing it can be the hardest thing ever. Even so, there is hope.

I’m sorry, but this is kind of bullshit and provides nothing constructive. Just because female people are treated poorly in this world doesn’t mean being female is inherently bad. We need to identify what is wrong with the things society imposes upon us and attack those instead of ‘accepting the reality’ of our existence.

That mindset only breeds contempt and bitterness.

I realized that I have a lot of issues underlying my feeling trans that have been silently accumulating since childhood. My 'dysphoria', my desire to be a man, my disgust/discomfort with being a woman--all of those things had many many things leading up to their development that I was never aware of because I never looked within.

After about four and a half years on T and coming off of antidepressants, I was able to begin to realize all of this--though at first I really didn't want to. Living as a transman was easier for me mentally than tackling all of the things that had been weighing on me my entire life. I wanted to live free of these burdens, and I knew living as a transman would prevent me from ever handling them.