This story is from the comments listed below, summarised by AI.
Authenticity Assessment: Not Suspicious
Based on the provided comments, this account appears to be authentic. There are no serious red flags suggesting it is a bot or a bad-faith actor.
The user's posts are highly detailed, emotionally complex, and internally consistent over time. They describe a deeply personal, multi-year journey involving specific medical procedures (top surgery, testosterone), detransition, pregnancy, and the pursuit of reconstruction, all of which are supported by nuanced reflections on trauma, internalized misogyny, and identity. The writing style is conversational, vulnerable, and contains the kind of specific, gritty details that are difficult to fabricate convincingly. The account's perspective aligns with known experiences of detransitioners who are critical of their past decisions without being antagonistic toward trans people.
About me
I started transitioning at 31 to escape a lifetime of self-hatred and trauma, believing it was the answer. I had top surgery and took testosterone for 18 months, but I immediately felt I'd made a mistake. Getting pregnant at 35 was my turning point, as my love for my son made me want to embrace being his mom. I realized my desire to transition was never about gender, but was a response to deep-seated shame and internalized misogyny. Now at 37, I'm finally learning to like myself and am seeking reconstruction to heal.
My detransition story
My whole journey feels like it started with a lifetime of hating myself. I had a lot of trauma from the very beginning: abusive parents, bullying, sexual assault, drug addiction, and homelessness. I learned to shove my emotions down deep, especially after being bullied by other girls for being "weird." I desperately wanted to fit in, so I became the "cool girl" with groups of misogynistic guy friends who treated me terribly. I was surrounded by people who chipped away at my sanity. I was emotionally wrecked and desperate for the pain to stop.
I think a lot of my feelings about being a woman were poisoned by internalized misogyny. I was deeply jealous of beautiful women but bought into the lie that putting effort into your appearance was shallow and dumb. I saw looking feminine as weak and stupid. I lived as a slob, partly from severe depression, but also from a fear of being seen as female. I even looked at my own breasts in the mirror and thought, "these make you look stupid." I hated them; being touched there sent me into a panic. I felt they were ugly and didn't fit my masculine personality or style. I now see I had a lot of body dysmorphia.
My desire to transition wasn't really about gender. It was about a deep-seated shame and embarrassment about being me. I didn't like being referred to at all; it was part of my constant depression and disassociation. I was always looking for a new name or identity, a way to start over and be someone better. Transitioning seemed like the ultimate escape.
I started taking testosterone when I was 31. I was on it for about 18 months. At first, I got what they call "the T flu." Later, I contracted a mystery virus and almost died from bilateral pneumonia; I'll always wonder if T lowered my immune system. Near the end, my skin turned red and my hair started falling out, so I stopped.
When I was 31, I also had top surgery—a double incision mastectomy with grafts. At the time, I thought binding was freedom and surgery was the solution. I was even part of a photoshoot for a binder company that was later used in a New York Times article. I used to be proud of that; now it makes me feel sick. After surgery, I immediately felt like I had made a huge mistake, but I couldn't admit it to myself. Instead, I decided I was nonbinary instead of male.
Life after surgery was strange. I had what I consider a really good-looking result, but it came with problems I never expected. I have phantom boob sensations. The scars feel tight underneath, like a bra I can never take off. My nipple grafts look okay from a distance, but they're uneven and have obvious scarring. I have a patch of numbness on my chest. I feel neutered during sex, and I miss the presence of my breasts, even if I hated them being touched. Gaining weight after having a baby made my body look strange with a flat chest and a belly.
The real turning point was getting pregnant at 35. It changed everything. I realized I didn't want to be a trans or nonbinary parent; I wanted to be a mom. It forced me to get sober for the first time in 20 years, and without drugs to numb me, a lot of buried feelings came to the surface. A few weeks after giving birth, I felt my milk come in, even though I had no breasts. It was heartbreaking. I would have given anything to be able to breastfeed my son. The love for him made my own discomfort seem meaningless.
That’s when I truly began to detransition. I started to embrace being a woman. I'm now in my late 30s and for the first time, I'm learning how to do my makeup. Before, looking feminine would send me into a panic. Now, I can finally look at the woman in the mirror and not freak out. I even started to feel good about my birth name, which I had always been ashamed of.
I'm now going through the process of seeking breast reconstruction. I've talked to many surgeons and connected with other women who've had reconstruction, both detransitioners and cancer survivors. It feels like the right path to finally stop seeing my trauma staring back at me in the mirror. I'm using therapy, medication, and self-help books to heal. I've also read about radical feminism to combat my internalized misogyny and rejected porn, which I realized had brainwashed me from a young age.
I have a lot of regrets about my transition, especially the top surgery. I don't think I was truly trans. I was a traumatized, mentally disturbed person looking for a way out of my pain. If it hadn't been transitioning, it probably would have been a cult. I don't have ill will toward trans people, but I see now that my journey was a response to trauma, low self-esteem, and depression. For the first time in my life, at 37, I like myself.
Here is a timeline of the main events:
| Age | Event |
|---|---|
| 31 | Started taking testosterone. |
| 31 | Had top surgery (double incision mastectomy). |
| 33 | Stopped testosterone after 18 months due to side effects (red skin, hair loss). |
| 35 | Got pregnant, which led to sobriety and was the major catalyst for detransition. |
| 35 | Gave birth; experienced severe postpartum depression, compounded by inability to breastfeed. |
| 37 (Present) | Actively seeking breast reconstruction; in therapy and embracing life as a woman. |
Top Comments by /u/SheWasntDead:
oh yea, without a doubt the people who treated me like a joke for transitioning - who were the same people who constantly sexually harassed me/bullied me - making my sense of identity even more fragile than it already was, fueling my desire to transition, would probably treat me like a joke for detransitioning. I can't actually be sure though because I threw all those people out of my life and don't have social media.
My time on testosterone (18 months) didn’t effect my fertility, but I will say, be on the lookout for Postpartum Depression. Pregnancy fills you will happy hormones; I was happier than I probably ever was even though my pregnancy was nightmarish. Those happy hormones hung around a few weeks after giving birth but once they left - holy shit. A deep, unbearable sadness there is absolutely no compassion to. Not being able to breastfeed on top of it because of my top surgery? Im honestly surprised I survived that. My son is a year and a half now, and Im only now starting to level out.
Infant-mom internet is toxic, stay off of it. Buy a book or two, use a baby tracker app and listen to your OB - that’s all you need. Even now that my kids a toddler I barely skim mommy internet, get in and get out. These ppl are on a mission to pump themselves up by making you feel like shit.
The only thing I can say for the TERFs is at least they have sympathy for someone detransitioning, even if its coming from a place hoping to radicalize you for their political standing. Its tricky and smart. When the trans camp is either looking at you and shrugging while going “sucks to be you, Im fine” or giving you the finger because you’re a traitor, and the rest of humanity is outright disgusted by you, its a powerful tonic to have someone go “Im sorry for what has been done to you - you’re a victim”. I never used to understand why someone would detransition only to become a TERF but I get it now; you’re vulnerable and need at least someone to say they’re sorry - the first person who does might just hook you into their ideology.
This being said, no, not really. I came to the realization I wasn’t trans on my own and don’t have any ill will towards trans ppl.
I was “cool girl” most of my life before I transitioned. In highschool and subsequently wherever I moved Id eventually be adopted into a groups of misogynistic guy friends who would pass me around, treat me like complete dirt, and then get outright PISSED if I dared express even basic human emotion about how I was being treated - and I quote “Eww…. I thought you were cool?! Why would you say this shit to me?!”
Women didn’t want to hang around me which only confirmed in my mind I wasn’t like them - but looking back, what type of self respecting woman would want to hang out with the most edgy female chauvinist of all time?
I also had extremely abusive parents, including a mother that clearly has some sort of personality disorder/cries to get her way, and on top of being bullied by other girls for being a “weird” I learned to shove my emotions way down there. I remember a period of my life from about ages 10-18 I never cried. I refused to.
This is all, quite clearly, trauma response.
I try to remind myself that women are in no way more emotional than men even if they openly cry more. Men have not only created most of the most sappy romantic literature and art on the planet, you don’t have to look very far to witness a man losing his shit over practically nothing.
Edit: a word
I was part of a popular photoshoot a popular binder company used for years and feel pretty sick over it these days. My image even used in an article in the NYT about "safe binding". I used to think binding was freedom. I had focused in on my boobs as the problem and would eventually have top surgery. I was basically, insane. They were defiantly not the problem. I regret all of it so much.
Got pregnant. It completely changed my entire life. Realized I didn’t want to be a trans or nonbinary parent- I wanted to be Mom. I also could no longer live my life like I was going to die any second- I was going to have to live a long time now. It also got me sober for the first time in 20yrs - and a lot of stuff started to come out once I was no longer numbed out on drugs.
Anytime I was in the public eye it was a mistake. I’ve been featured on a popular photo blog, modeled, had those images from modeling used in other things I didn’t approve of, one of which is a huge publication, have a video interview out there somewhere with a major news publication that was supposed to be a fluff piece on my look and was twisted to make me sound as dumb as humanly possible, had the Daily Mail then write an article on that… all of which were then pounded by literally thousands of comments on the internet about how ugly and freakish I am (they’re not wrong but still, how rude)… and that was without making a statement. That was just - photos of me. Because I dared to exist and said “ok” when asked if someone could take my photo or video. There was really no winning.
Im not saying don’t do it but you have to have nerves of steel and I do not. It was all horrible feeling. I kept trying, sadly, because I didn’t want haters to mess up my opportunity to have interesting experiences but its hard to ignore thousands of people telling you you’re hideous when you have severe body issues… like “cut off your breasts” level of body issues.
Id say if you do, try to make sure you have as much legal control as possible over your image.
my DI with grafts top surgery left about 10% breast tissue. I didn't see any changes in it till I got pregnant. I also gained a good 60lbs during this pregnancy. My scars hurt all the time now and the tissue ached as it swelled. I don't think it looks the same anymore but it was so gradual its hard to tell, and its also hard to tell if this will go back to looking and feeling like it did if I lost all the weight.
T never made me feel sick long term, but I did get what they call “the T flu” when I first started which kind sounds like what you’re describing.
I did contract a mystery virus and almost died of bilateral pneumonia while on T and will always wonder if it lowered my immune system to the point that happened. I also at the end of my T use developed unusual symptoms - my skin turned red and my hair started rapidly falling out, so I stopped.
That beauty isn’t effortless and its not shallow for women to want to look good. I was deeply jealous of beautiful women but bought into the misogynistic lie that any of the efforts put into looking that good were shallow and dumb despite the double standard of men obviously loving beautiful women who spend all day and night putting the effort into looking hot.
So, I’ve spent my whole life as a slob. Looking back not only was I severely depressed so I had no interest in taking care of myself outside very basic hygiene, but I lived in so much fear of looking female because I perceived that as “weak” and “stupid”. I even brought this to the extreme of thinking I needed to remove my breasts to further avoid being seen as such. I would literally look at them in the mirror and think “these make you look stupid”.
I was just stuck. If I tried to look good I was shallow and dumb. If I didn’t then I was a failed woman… and eventually believed I was a failed woman. And then not a woman at all.